This may offend some people.
I truly do not mean to offend but I must be honest. At this juncture I will not consciously be close friends with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.
I realize that goes against almost EVERYTHING I have ever said about accepting people for who they are. It’s a giant screw-you to a group of people who have done nothing wrong and do not deserve exclusion of any kind.
But I’m being honest. I cannot.
I truly believe we should embrace and not judge people with mental illnesses. I believed this before I knew I had one. I believe that STIGMA is the single-most damaging phenomenon in the world virtually.
So why am I such a hypocrite?
Because I tried and tried, or maybe I just knew quite a few people who happened to be Borderline. I didn’t judge. I didn’t condemn. I didn’t ostracize. To me, a person with a mental illness is NORMAL and EQUAL to anyone else.
But I couldn’t do it. I admit this. I couldn’t hack it.
For me, people who are severely Borderline to the point where the symptoms show (some may be mildly) have messed me up too many times. I end up realizing this. If I keep on doing something – whatever it is – again and again with the hope of the outcome being different but every time I do it, the outcome is EXACTLY THE SAME then it’s my fault and my duty to myself to stop the behavior.
Unfortunately the behavior was befriending people with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have it, and are reading this, you can say fuck you right now.
I’m sorry. It is not a happy choice. I don’t believe it’s right but I have to. Why?
Whilst training I kept hearing about Borderline patients. Most therapists dreaded them. That’s not an exaggeration. Truthfully I didn’t know much about Borderline. I only heard about it around that time, it wasn’t properly understood. I learned Borderline is a personality disorder often characterized by the “I love you / I hate you” extremes in behavior. It is often caused by some severe trauma in childhood and is hard to treat as with any personality disorder. Often times Borderlines will turn on a person not because they are evil or wicked but out of a ‘bites the hand that feeds’ set of responses, or because they perceive the other person to be betraying them.
They are not ‘bad’ or wicked or evil people. They are hurting. They are crushed by the things that caused them to develop this disorder. It is not their fault.
So according to how I live my life, I should be inclusive and welcoming and I was. The only problem was the same thing kept happening. It went like this;
A Borderline person befriends me or I befriend them. We get on well. We are friends nothing more. At first, the Borderline friend really likes me and I really like them. We have a good friendship and things are great. At some point the Borderline perceives that I either do not mean what I say, or I am ingenuous or I am a liar or I am fickle. It could be for a perceived reason or paranoia. It could be based on some degree of reality and then amplified by 1000 percent. The outcome is they switch, they turn on me, I become the ‘enemy’ the perceived reason for bad feelings they have. The bad things that have happened in their life become my fault because I am here, and their past is not. Their response to this is extreme. It can involve a great deal of abuse verbally. We end up not being friends anymore. I am hurt, they are hurt.
If I let this keep happening, though I no longer get hurt anymore, I would be exhausted! I cannot do this. Nobody could. That doesn’t mean Borderline sufferers could never have friends. I believe certain friendships are impossible and that includes me.
I am not blaming myself. If I did I would be buying into the most common accusation a Borderline will throw at me THIS IS YOUR FAULT ENTIRELY YOU DID THIS. I know that is not true.
But .. I accept that I am a certain ‘kind’ of person just as a Borderline is a certain ‘kind’ of person and we – do – not – work.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m too high on the sensitive scale, or the intensity scale, or the closeness scale, maybe I’m too affectionate, maybe I’m too effusive, maybe I’m not effusive enough. Maybe it doesn’t matter.
One thing I know. I can’t do it. And they can’t do it. So unfortunately, contrary to anything else I believe in, I shy away from making friends with someone who admits they are Borderline and that is very sad and I feel very badly about that. But there is no choice. Just as many therapists refuse to see or are reluctant to see, Borderline patients, I am basically avoiding a problem I cannot solve. I realize that is wrong on many levels I just don’t know what alternative exists besides me being a punching bag and I will not let that happen.
Classic Borderline symptoms include; Too much intensity, an extreme adoration of a person that is over-kill and too sudden, the opposite response of extreme dislike/rejection/hate of a person that is sudden also. Many times someone with Borderline is a survivor of childhood sexual or physical or emotional abuse of the worst kind. Borderline is more common among those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder 1.
I feel Borderline people have a really hard time of living in this world. They almost didn’t have a chance, and I admire them for surviving. I would like to help them, befriend them, support them. I do support them in believing them equal to every dignity and right anyone else has. They are not bad people. But the hardest part of being Borderline is that you drive people away. You don’t mean to but you do it. You end up isolating yourself when you least want to. You are lonely but cannot keep lasting relationships. You don’t want to be angry or hateful but you end up being because you perceive that’s what is being done to you.
It’s incredibly unfair.
A friend of mine who was Borderline told me a very valuable lesson. She said, when you are friends with a Borderline person you had better have immaculate boundaries. By that she meant – don’t send mixed-messages of any kind. Do not contradict yourself. Do not say one thing to a Borderline and the opposite to someone else. Do not act like a lover if you are a friend. Do not say you are a friend if you are an acquaintance. Borderline people are very literal. They will take you at your word and if you diverge from your word they will hold you to it.
That might sound like a good thing and in theory it is. Sometimes we have awful boundaries and can be real teases or send mixed-messages. So having healthy and well stated boundaries can really help any friendship. But in the case of Borderline sufferers, people who do not have well-defined boundaries or are very needy, very insecure, very anxious, may inadvertently clash with a Borderline and cause their symptoms to be exacerbated or triggered. In other words not everyone is a good match to be friends with a Borderline. This is not just on them. It’s on us.
I recognize I am not a good match for a Borderline. When I look at my friends they actually do fall into distinct categories. They are either; Very secure and confident. Very sincere, stable and compassionate or very messed up and mentally ill and lonely. The latter is the group I have struggled with the most. If I’m depressed and my friend is depressed it can often work because we can mutually support the other, and understand. A Bipolar friend may get exasperated with me because I’m never manic. A Borderline friend will find me to be imperfect.
I am. I’m imperfect and I’m not super-secure and confident.
So – note to self and note to any Borderline people – we don’t mix well.
This is the first time in my life I have actually realized a good boundary is not being friends with or their being friends with me, a certain group of people. It feels wrong. It feels discriminatory. But it isn’t. It is the setting of those boundaries and the accepting that not everyone gets on and if we know we don’t get on with a certain kind of person then be respectful, we kind, be good, but don’t go the full hog and befriend them with the expectation your friendship will work.
That is growing up. That is experience. That is logic and ultimately, it’s more merciful than keep on doing the same thing expecting a different result.
As for those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I won’t be the one to write about you because that would be insulting and insensitive. But I will say this, in this Mental Health Month period I hope much is written about BPD people to help them and help others not stigmatize or judge them. A personality disorder is a mental disorder and requires the same level of compassion and treatment as any other.