She stands in the doorway
The outline of her slim shoulders
The hallway light seems peachy
She is home and without her
Home will be a strange wasteland
Where survivors cling to wreckage
Watching for her shape every night
The smell of her still on tortoiseshell hairbrush
Why didn’t she need it when she left?
How did she choose what to take and what to leave?
The only choice I was certain of
..
I was not under consideration
That need, to not need
Suffocating on duty and then
Deciding to toss it into wastebin
Along with other chains
I have carried as my own brand of perfume
She who gave me life, wanted life without me
Always did, from the first day they placed me in her arms
And she thought … oh no
It isn’t her fault
Love never arrived
But I am left alive
Yerning to matter, knowing I never will
It is a bigger part of me than I care to usually admit
A voice in the dark always crying for Mommy
I thought I’d grow up and get over it
But wherever you go, there you are
In my case, a kid whose mom didn’t want
I’m still looking at doorways
Watching for her tread
In other’s faces, a memory yet
Even as I grow older than she was
When she squeezed her heart
And despite the shared DNA
Found it held
Nothing of me
Rust.in.the.Soul 