Mental Health Month “HIV/AIDS”

I decided to write about HIV/AIDS during Mental Health Month because whilst mental health and HIV/AIDS has a relationship, there are many other diseases and conditions with more of a relationship than HIV/AIDS and mental health. So more is talked about say, Alzheimer’s and mental health, Parkinson’s and mental health, menopause and mental health, etc.

As a neglected relationship I wanted to talk about the links with mental health and HIV/AIDS as much as anything, to be mindful of this fact; HIV/AIDS may be less of a world scourge than it was in the eighties and nineties but it has by no means gone. In fact, many who work in the field believe it is only a matter of time before the current cocktail that keeps HIV/AIDS as a manageable disease for the majority, will start to fail and require further research and medication. Additionally though we are on the cusp of a quasi-cure it would not in its current state, be do-able for the vast majority, most particularly, the poor. In addition, HIV/AIDS speaks to a larger issue, that of the continual zoonotic transmission of a disease from animals to humans (or equivalent).

Recent studies demonstrate, the rate by which potentially fatal pandemic diseases can be transferred interspecies, is far higher than previously thought. Researchers believe it is a matter of time before another HIV/AIDs style disease, will occur and spread. Whilst we may dismiss this as fear mongering, history shows us otherwise. Considering this and the history of HIV/AIDS the entire subject requires more in-depth analysis to ensure if this happens, all those infected are offered treatment rather than the select who can afford the Big Pharma monopoly prices.

If India had not stepped in, the ten million who died in Africa (and the number was in actuality far higher) would have continued to climb. If a Western country were to lose ten million to a disease, there is no way the monopoly of Big Pharma would have been permitted and as with the Anthrax scare the patent would have been lifted on the medication to ensure everyone had access to cheaper generic versions of the drug. India told this to the WHO years beforehand and offered to help those struggling countries like africa by supplying generic medication as less than one dollar a day, WHO and effectively, the Western world, ignored them and millions died.

Now the WHO and others are trying to force countries like India into not producing generic versions of existing medication in order to save lives. This at the behest of the already massively profiting pharmaceutical industries of the Western world. Profit it seems, literally comes before lives.

What does this have to do with mental health?

Having a disease like HIV/AIDS has a myriad of outcomes, not least a deleterious effect on our well-being and mental well being. Even if the disease is ‘managed’ the trauma of having a disease that is communicable, stigmatized and life-threatening, alongside the inevitable connection to sex, drugs, homosexuality and other stigmatized and judged things, causes a great deal of psychic stress.

When our bodies are unwell our minds are unwell.

Living with a disease like HIV/AIDS or hepatitis C can literally cause depression.

Surviving a disease like HIV/AIDS can cause similar issues known as ‘survivors guilt’ and the suicide rates both during the AIDS crisis AND afterward were extraordinarily high for this very reason.

Some people in power at the time felt that saving Africans was not a priority because quote; They would not know how to read the instructions on the medications, they would not take the medications properly, they would possibly cause the medication to work less effectively and even cause the virus to mutate and become resistant and put everyone else at risk’ so they chose to ignore the plight of Africa and other countries. It was essentially the worst kind of racist discrimination possible. On the other extreme, China did a disservice to their citizens by ignoring the problem saying they had no problem and thus, permitting no discussion or help.

Back to mental health. Imagine if you had HIV/AIDS today, would you feel ‘okay’ about it? Even if you had medication (with its side-effects) and you knew you may live a relatively normal life span? It would still affect you in so many ways, you would have to inform anyone you were intimate with, you would have to consider it when having children, you would have to let those you worked with and your insurance know. Even if you did not see it as a stigma, some people invariably would (because people love to judge) wouldn’t that cause at the very least, some anxiety and possibly other mental health issues?

A friend of mine contracted Hep C during college, he was deeply ashamed and despite therapy he ended up being celibate. That may be an extreme but it’s also one example of how illness, disease, viruses, and medical conditions can exacerbate mental health even when they don’t do so biologically like Parkinson’s does.

Many years ago after a sexual assault I was told my assaulter was HIV positive. I didn’t at that time have any idea of prophylactics for those exposed to HIV. Fortunately a professor of mine did and she told me where to go. I think to this day, if I had not met her, told her, and she had told me where to go, I may today be HIV positive. Maybe not a big deal if you are, but when you are not, a huge deal, which speaks to how people really feel about HIV/AIDS.

Taking the prophylactics which are basically the HIV/AIDS medication, for six weeks, demonstrated to me and gave me more empathy for, those who have to take them for the rest of their lives. They talk about how good they are at extending and maintaining life but they are rough on the body, and having to take quite a few every day, as well as the cost, is all round hard. I learned then, firstly never take your health for granted, secondly never judge someone else because you don’t know what they are going through and third, we in the Western world have an innate privilege that other countries do not have and we take it for granted.

The six-week supply of medication at the time cost around $3,000. Most of the world doesn’t earn that in a year.

This is going to happen again. And when it does, more will die and more will close their eyes to this because it’s not on their door step. We choose whom we empathize with and it’s almost a trend. If everyone else is donating we donate, if nobody cares, we don’t care, en mass this is our approach to charity and change.

HIV/AIDS hasn’t gone away. Other diseases will come that are possibly more devastating. It impacts entire generations, kills and destroys entire family trees, obliterates the ‘luxury’ of considering mental health fall out afterward because resources are so precious. Think now how many are dealing with mental health issues concerning the death of half of their families from HIV/AIDS and have no resources.

We see mental health treatment as a luxury because in many ways that’s what it is. And this is wrong. The domino effect of poor untreated mental health issues, causes loss of productivity and health, it is a vicious circle, if we ignore it, we do so with the knowledge ignoring it costs us more in the long run.

Stigma alone, social exclusion, judgement, blame, condemnation and fear, can strike illness in the heart of any sufferer. Suffering in silence, unable to share your diagnosis freely, even with the protection of the law, makes those with such diseases feel they are not the same as everyone else and in some ways that ‘secret’ they carry does set them apart. Imagine for a moment how that feels? Many of us cam emphasize somewhat, we may carry our own secrets, but that one is a pretty big secret and a heavy burden. We can help with that burden just by being good to those we meet, aware that we never know the extent of their burden.

When the next HIV/AIDS comes around, I hope everyone will stand up and demand that Big Pharma not prevent the treatment of all sufferers in all parts of the world. Your economic status or skin color do not reflect what your level of care should be. The only way this changes is if we, the people, change it by not ignoring what the inequality occurring in other parts of the world in part, due to our economic monopoly.

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Mental Health Month “All queered out”

The relationship between the LGBTQ community and Mental Health has long existed. Someone who believed same-sex relationships to be a sin, may point to the mental health ‘sickness’ of those who are attracted to partners of the same gender. This goes back to the seventies where mental health and being queer or transgender, was considered a mental defect/illness. It was not until the early seventies that the bible for Psychiatrists changed this diagnosis and it no longer was considered a mental illness.

During this time of stigma, those who admitted to being queer or transgender were often subjected to camps and programs that attempted to ‘cure’ them of their ‘proclivity’ of course they were unsuccessful but they did a great job of messing up generations of queers, so much so that many stayed in the closet, marrying and having children and never ever admitting who they really were.

Someone who is anti-gay may argue, that means they have a choice because they choose to stay in the closet and marry, they can be normal after all!

There is however, nothing normal about pretending to be someone you are not, and this definitely can be one reason LGBTQ people suffer from a higher than average degree of mental illness.

If it’s an argument of which came first, the chicken and the egg, then you can cross-compare to other studies looking at marginalized and condemned groups such as racial minorities, and see that levels of mental illness rise when bigotry and condemnation in the larger society are directed toward that group. No surprise, hate begets mental illness. It’s not all in your head!

How can hate cause someone to be mentally ill if mental illness is not a mailable and ‘chosen’ ailment? Hate cannot cause someone to get cancer, so how can we argue mental illness is as serious as cancer?

Hate can lead someone to drink too much, smoke too much, and that can cause cancer. It is called an indirect relationship. Cause and effect. The same is true of hate and the LGBTQ community, if you are condemned, judged, shamed, picked on, hated and treated badly day after day, that can literally drive you out of your mind. More commonly, a pre-existing tendency toward certain mental illnesses is exacerbated and tipped over the edge.

This does not mean, anyone ‘chooses’ to be mentally ill, but like anything in life, extreme stress CAN bring on symptoms. They have long known this with Schizophrenia, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder and of course, PTSD has its roots in society as does anxiety. You cannot remove societal influence from the development of a mental illness yet it is as ‘real’ as any other disease in terms of true manifestation and side-effects.

Historically gay and minority populations experienced a high degree of stress and fear. They were having to hide who they were, meet in secret, they could be arrested because their emotions were illegal if expressed physically, and they often had other concerns such as low-income, poor access to care in the community, nobody to talk to honestly and unanswered questions about their own identity.

Our society is typically Heterosexist and Heterodominant because the vast majority of people in our society are heterosexual. It is one thing to show two women kissing, and have a bit of bisexual fun, quite another to be a committed full-time lesbian. Most people don’t relate to that, they may try to understand but that’s like a white person understanding the experiences of a black person, you can only go so far with that.

Thus, LGBTQ are misunderstood at best, and not understood at all at worst, with pastiche and parody being the status-quo. Historically this was even more so, as it was an illegal ‘act’ to be with someone of the same gender sexually (and everyone considered the deviancy of gay sex to be the key to being homosexual rather than thinking for a moment it could be about something other than sex).

Unfortunately a large portion of gay men were so promiscuous it did not help the ’cause’ because they really did live the life style that heterosexuals feared. I do condemn this in the sense that I see no good coming out of sleeping with twenty strangers a night, and whilst that may seem homophobic of me to say, having read the history of HIV and AIDS I see a causal history there as to why homosexual men became one of the earliest groups to be significantly infected by HIV/AIDS. This set the gay cause way back because straight people condemned all gays outright for the actions of the few, and believed HIV/AIDS to be a gay-plague, which of course it was not.

Reading the history of this time, I tried to better understand what would lead gay men to be that promiscuous, my first thought was, a lot of straight men would do the same thing given half the chance! My second thought was, it’s about reaction. Gays were subjected to such strict secrecy and condemnation they could not really be ‘out’ and when finally some cities were tolerant enough to be relatively out, certain populations ran with it. I understand the reaction/action/reaction cycle it exists in every subjugated population to some extent, and every new generation reacts to their parents, it’s a cycle of over-throwing the old for the new. But the level of promiscuity in cities like NYC and San Fransisco was a contributing factor as to why HIV/AIDS initially hit the homosexual male population so hard.

When we consider what a heterosexual who knows little about homosexuality must have thought upon hearing that some homosexual men with HIV/AIDS were sleeping with twenty plus partners a night, as well as doing drugs, it’s not hard to see why there was another wave of backlash against the gay community en mass.

That said, times have somewhat changed and whilst you can still find ‘bath houses’ and gay men (and some lesbians!) who wish to be as promiscuous as those early days, there is also a greater appreciation for actual relationships among the homosexual population. This should be emphasized more in our culture, as heterosexuals still believe homosexuality is about sex, and it is often a very small part of what goes into being a homosexual. The stereotypes are hurtful to the community as a whole, those include the idea that all lesbians are ugly, all queer men are paedophiles, all lesbians are men haters, all bisexuals are sex-addicts, all gay men are perverts.

Going back to mental health … when HIV/AIDS first hit, there were not enough resources to help the gay community, and there was therefore, even less help mentally. After the crisis began to die down and some treatments that worked began to help people live longer and HIV/AIDS was no longer a literal death-sentence a strange thing occurred…. there was a mass influx of extreme depression among the survivors of the ‘gay plague’ as it was known.

Survivor guilt and the depression that comes from severe illness and PTSD (seeing all your friends die) are HUGE factors in the development of mental illness. Some survivors actually deliberately stopped taking their HIV/AIDS medication and let themselves sicken and die because of not being able to stand surviving. They felt they didn’t deserve it. Why me and not my friends?

This was exacerbated by virtually NO resources for gay individuals who needed to talk about what they experienced, witnessed and felt. This still stands, in most cities throughout the US there are no specific mental health services for the homosexual and bisexual and transgender populations.

During my studies as a psychotherapist I sat in a large room with over a 1000 counselors on a briefing about ‘homosexuality and mental health’ during which everyone was told that to be homophobic or intolerant of homosexuality, was incompatible with being a mental health professional. Sounds good huh? Not so good. Of the 1000 there I would easily hazard a guess and say that a third, possibly half, were somewhat prejudiced, very ignorant and possibly homophobic. I say this after hearing them speak, the questions they asked, the people they were.

This is not condemning someone who is homophobic, any more than I would someone who is racist. It is your right. But it’s not legal and it’s not moral. So given this, those people have the difficulty of being legally required NOT to be what they actually privately are. Do you think many of them would admit this? Do you think they would stand up and say ‘I am against homosexual relationships’ and possibly lose their license? For those who are homophobic or anti-gay, you may be shaking your heads and saying ‘this is why it should not be legalized, you are forcing people to feel what they do not’ and I agree with the latter statement.

If you are homophobic you probably shouldn’t be a therapist with the exception of working in a religious community for like-minded people.

If that sounds extreme, well it is. Just as I would say if you are racist you should not work in a public setting but you would be fine in say, a community that supported your views and this cuts both ways (white and black).

LIkewise, if you are sexist, don’t work with the opposite gender.

I’ve been told that when you are a ‘ist’ you should work through your feelings and you should take clients who push your buttons. I don’t agree. Therapy is a fragile experience, and people pick up on intolerance. When I was training I saw and heard enough people to see, they KNOW when you are not comfortable with them. The same goes for ignorance, there is no place for ignorance and therapy when it comes to treatment. If you don’t understand it, refer, refer, refer. To someone who does.

The problem is funding, there are no funds for the queer community because it’s seen like Planned Parenthood as a problem more than anything else.

So if gays don’t have access to good mental health services (and other services) is it any wonder they have higher percentages of certain diseases and mental health issues?

The bottom line is; LGBTQ populations exhibit higher levels of anxiety, depression and alcohol/drug abuse than the standard population. This is not because they are all sex-addicted club fiends who pour drugs down their throats whilst sleeping with twenty partners a night. But the reality of this does lead ignorant people to label mental health as a weakness and point to this as an example. Some even go back to the idea that mental health is a perversion of nature, just as the pilgrims did when they put mentally ill people to death or locked them up.

It doesn’t take long to learn about a group of people you have nothing in common with and it can go a long way. Typically Native Americans ask that therapists working on reservations be of Native American heritage. Some say it should not matter who the helper is, it is more about their willingness to help.

I disagree. It does matter. Just as if you are black and you have been subject to racism you may wish to see another person of color, there’s nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with being female and wanting a female gynecologist or therapist.

More gay people need to educate the majority about the specific issues relating to their population so those heterosexual therapists can actually be of some help to queer populations. Even more than that, those therapists who are anti-gay or prejudiced should recuse themselves. Yes – step away – don’t see homosexual patients – do them a favor!

Currently the accepted protocol is to be objective and even if ‘you are personally anti-gay’ you can be objectively helpful to a gay client. That’s ridiculous, no you cannot. I have a friend who is fairly anti-gay and works as a therapist and he is not ever going to be helpful to a gay client and can do more damage than good. Period. I have told him this but until the system changes, his boss and other leaders will insist that anyone, irrespective of their personal beliefs, treat gay clients.

Let’s change this…. and some other things and maybe the rates of mental illness will begin to decline in the LGBTQ population and with it, the high rates of suicide.

 

Mental Health Month”Grow up & forget about it!”

Do you know anyone who was sexually abused as a child? Were you? Was your daughter? Sister? Wife? Neighbor? Brother? Son?

Childhood sexual abuse and adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse (ASCSA) are in every society in every corner of our planet. It is often assumed children are resilient and can put up with a lot, and this is true, but childhood sexual abuse can destroy and does destroy so many parts of a child’s psyche we can honestly never know with any certainty how much was taken by the act of abuse.

What we do know is abuse, any kind of abuse, including sexual abuse, is going to have after effects that last long after the actual abuse ends. One of the ways this occurs is an unconscious attempt on the part of the child grown to adulthood (or near enough) in acting out the abuse in an attempt to understand it.

Does that seem crazy?

Very often organizations working with adult survivors noticed a pattern of repeat sexual and physical and mental abuse among populations who had endured these things. At first they believed a person who say, was raped was more likely to be raped a second time and this is borne out by statistics. But in addition to this increase likelihood of further victimization there was another pattern emerging; the unconscious re-enactment of aspects of the abuse by the survivor.

What that means in plain terms is, sometimes survivors will create situations similar to the abuse and actually reenact elements of the abuse, and go through those scenarios and possibly be re-victimized as a result. They will do this without being consciously aware of doing it.

Why would you ever want to do that?

It is thought this unconscious behavior is much like an unconscious wish to understand and reclaim what happened. Without intervention the individual is not aware they are doing it, and thus, when it happens is genuinely surprised (and re-traumatized) whereas when they are made aware this is a process of the mind trying to make sense of something that is hard if not impossible to make sense of, they can break the cycle.

Like many survivors who may turn to prostitution because of feelings of worthlessness and devalued degradation and shame, some will go in the opposite direction and have absolutely no sexual desire. These extremes are one form of ‘reacting’ to something the mind and spirit are trying to reconcile. Another way is the reenactment of the experience on some level. It has even been postulated that BDSM is one outlet for survivors to ‘act out’ their feelings and possibly reclaim their lost power.

Whether true or not, for others who have not had this experience, it may appear the individual is seeking to be abused on some level. It may even be an accusation thrown at the individual. Statements like; “You must want this / you keep putting yourself in these situations and letting it happen!” The individual will perceive this as being another condemning, blaming, shaming comment.

Abuse is hard to understand. I cannot understand why someone would sexually abuse a child, a woman, a man, an animal. I don’t think I could ever understand. So in absence of understanding, we sometimes go to great lengths to try to make sense of what happened to us.

I knew a woman who would drink a lot and go home with men and wait to see if they raped her. She was not aware she was doing this, until she really stopped the compulsion and thought about it. Then she realized she was seeing if she would be ‘betrayed’ again by a man who she had trusted and who had raped her when they had been drinking together. She had tried to talk to her friend who had raped her afterward about why he would have done this, he refused to say, and so she unconsciously put herself in similar situations to see if it would happen again and maybe understand it better. Of course when she realized what was happening she realized she did not want to be raped again! But until she came to that point she was unawares this was even happening.

Legally if she had been raped whilst drinking even if she consented to go home with someone, it would be rape if she did not give consent for sex and some would argue, if you are drunk you cannot give consent so with the exception of committed relationships where many times, partners will have sex when inebriated, the rule of thumb is, if you are not in a relationship and you or your partner are inebriated do not have sex with them because you cannot guarantee consent (unless it’s very obvious). Of course this is a difficult thing to gauge and it’s unrealistic to expect nobody to drink, so that’s where the legal system can get unstuck in issues of consent. However in most cases it is obvious for example if you are passed out drunk and someone has sex with you, that’s rape and you did not give consent, if you changed your mind and didn’t want to sleep with someone you withdraw your consent.

Therapy can be useful in working through trauma that involves enacting out parts of the abuse. Childhood survivors of sexual abuse go through triggering phases in their lives where it becomes challenging to deal with the history of their experiences. Typically these occur at puberty, during your first serious relationship, in pregnancy, during your child’s puberty and other occasions. It can be hard talking to family members about this, especially if the abuser was a family member. In a healthy marriage, talking about past sexual abuse histories helps you communicate what is and is not acceptable and what boundaries need to be respected, as well as bringing you closer.

Survivors of adult sexual abuse can have large issues with rage – anger – helplessness and anxiety.

Rage – anger at the perpetrator, at those who didn’t do enough to stop it, at oneself for being a victim, at people who trigger a reminder in any way.

Helplessness – feelings of impotence, uselessness, weakness, a feeling that nothing you do no matter how hard you try will change things or count.

Anxiety – fear, phobias, self-hate, secret-keeping, terror, flashbacks, nervousness, triggers, and general anxiety around anything related to or reminding of, the abuse.

Those as well as other symptoms can lead to severe mental health challenges, not least, depression and difficulty with trust and emotions. Unlike some who if raped may hopefully get some degree of immediate support, many times adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, may never report what happened, may be disbelieved, may suppress it and keep quiet about it. Others may feel it was dismissed, forgotten about, considered unimportant and feel that people think they should ‘get over it’ by now. Those who are raped as adults and receive no support will probably also experience this isolation. That feeling can lead to mental illness if left to fester and remain unresolved. Rape Crisis Centers will see ANY child or adult of either gender who was raped or sexually abused in any way at any age at any time in their life. They have therapists who are trained in the legal ramifications, and also how to actually help those who have experienced this.

A fellow blogger reminded me to be mindful of male-rape and male sexual abuse and assault and how even if it does not happen with the same frequency it may suffer greater stigma because males are less likely to report any kind of sexual abuse, for similar reasons, but also because they are not as typical a victim and thus, they fear the condemnation of others who may think ‘you’re male, why were YOU raped? How could you have let that happen?’ As with women, and children, nobody LETS rape happen, they are victimized by a rapist and they survive that rape.

Men and boys of all ages can be raped by other men and boys. Men and boys can be raped by women, although this is the rarest form of rape and sexual abuse/assault it does and can happen. Typically the most common form of sexual abuse perpetrated by a woman toward a man is between a female relative (older) to a male relative (younger) when the power balance and physical strength is on the female’s side. The male relative may be told ‘that’s a fantasy come true’ when he tells his story of being raped by an older woman, but of course, for many young men this is no sexual fantasy, this is rape.

A man or boy can obtain an erection even against their will, because our bodies respond whether we emotionally wish them to or not, this is also true of women. A man or boy may be able to be touched to erection and then raped, and orgasm, and thus he may feel he was not raped even if he emotionally feels he was. A woman or girl can also experience this. The fear of ‘I came so I must have liked it’ is one big reason why males in particular do not talk about their sexual abuse. Another reason is, if a boy is raped by another boy, he feels people will think he is gay and whether he is or not, this can be a palpable fear in many social settings that perceive being gay negatively in some way.

For a boy who is not gay, being raped by a male, to the point of ejaculation is horrifying and leads them to have many internalized fears of ‘I must be gay / I must be twisted / I liked being raped’ instead of seeing that climaxing is no indicator of pleasure, it is a physical response to stimulation. Likewise, if raped by a member of the same-sex, the rape can be physically damaging, and emotionally scaring because that male may never have considered that they too could be raped. For girls and women we’ve always known it was a possibility, it doesn’t make it easier BY ANY MEANS but it’s a socially known phenomena, less for male-on-male-rape and yet, it has been used for years on the battlefield with both sexes.

Rape isn’t about sex it’s about domination, control, sadism, anger, violence.

Sometimes sexual pleasure is another reason that is gained by the rapist who inflicts pain, control, domination, fear, anger, violence. In other words, they get off on it. That’s the definition of a sadist and probably a sociopath (someone who has no empathy or regard for others). Equally narcissists can be deluded into thinking anything they do to anyone must be good because it feels good to them.

Those kinds of people capable of rape are our norm. But what about the good person who rapes? Is that possible?

Many times a best friend rapes their friend. In such incidences, everything you thought you knew flies out of the window. How could my best friend do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? You didn’t do anything. Sometimes people, even good people, do terrible things. We should not excuse a good person who does a terrible thing, because they committed an act that will stay with us forever. Oftentimes though, these are the very rapes that go unreported and can occur before adulthood.

Of course who wants to report rape when the system is broken? Ideally everyone should, that is the only way rapists are stopped. But even if you don’t, seeking therapy to work through the messed up feelings you will have afterward, as well as checking yourself physically and ensuring you are protected as much as possible from disease and injury is essential. This can and should include, an examination, evidence collected for should you proceed with a case (and you may not know if you want to at the time so get it taken so you have that choice) documentation of damage (for future reference in relation to your long-term health, blood tests for contracted sexual diseases and treatment if applicable including but not limited to, prophylactic treatment.

prophylactic treatment can include certain antibiotics that work to counter certain STD’s that are commonly transmitted. Others include The Morning After Pill which is not an abortion pill but a pill that prevents conception much like the regular pill but is taken once during the first 72 hours after a man has ejaculated inside you, to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

The least well-known prophylactic treatment is a HIV prophelactic. If you believe your rapist may have had HIV this is one measure to prevent contraction. You are given a large quantity of medication similar to the HIV treatment for up to six weeks typically a month, they have side-effects but they are reliable in preventing HIV transmission. Many people do not know about this and if it is applicable, it should be requested.

What about adults of childhood sexual assault? They are often raped in childhood, it is often a secret, as adults they may have scars and side-effects from this abuse including STD’s which further the shame and humiliation they feel. Seeing a good doctor who can go through your history and check on you regularly as well as prescribing appropriate medications can help though often the damage can be lasting and far-reaching which is why children abused in secret is so devastating as many are never treated until it’s too late.

With therapy it is never too late. I have seen people in their eighties who until that moment had never spoken about being abused as a child and at the termination of therapy they were glad they spoke out. It is never too late. Never.

But if you don’t get therapy for someone you love, it might lead to things you couldn’t imagine like them becoming the predator and abusing another child, as I saw many times happen, not because they were evil but because it’s a taught, learned maladaptive behavior that can be acted-out to the extent that the line between ‘abused’ and ‘abuser’ is blurred and finally, lost.

If you are friends with someone who has gone through something like this, be a friend to them and talk with them about it, don’t side-step around it, let them know you care and want to talk about it and encourage them to talk to a professional also.

Childhood sexual abuse survivors can be among the strongest most resilient souls you could ever meet, they are often the most inspirational and giving and helping. Nobody has to be destroyed by childhood sexual abuse, it is very rare that they are, but those who are, need the voice of us all, to prevent as much as we can, this quiet abuse that can be occurring right next door to us. We should all know the signs and symptoms of an abused child and not be afraid to check on a child we fear might be at risk of abuse.

That said, temper enthusiasm for helping with caution. Being brought up by a single father, many assumed I was at risk for being sexually abused by my father. He never did and never would, but I could see why they may have found it unusual for a small female child to be reared by their father. I was appreciative of their caution when I look back, but glad it didn’t cause further enquiry as that can be as damaging as doing nothing. It may be a fine balance but together, we can lower the number of children who are invisibly being abused in our society right now.

Mental Health Month “Separating Depressive symptoms from realistic opinions on humanity”

That’s a long title isn’t it? What does it mean?

Philosophers have long quipped that (wo)man’s search for meaning often consists of some degree of navel-gazing and introspection as well as consideration of the greater-meaning of life, including what is positive, negative, realistic and objective versus subjective.

The nuances of each of those, are complex within themselves, can we ever just give a straight and easy answer? Probably not. And because of that, it’s not easy to simply say, someone who has depressive symptoms is not equally influenced by, their world-view which is not always ‘tainted’ by the depression.

In other words, you may be depressed but even if you were not, you may naturally hold or possess some perspectives that could be considered more on the scale of depression than say, the reverse. In other words (lost yet?!) some of our personality is shaped by how we view the world and this can shape how mental illness influences and impacts us.

See it mathematically. If Subject A has a negative world view and also gets depression, which came first, the chicken (world view) or the egg (depression)?

Equally, if Subject A has a realistic world view and also gets depression does that mean being realistic can lead to more likelihood of depression than being say, optimistic?

The reason this matters is – many times those who depression are told the ‘cure’ lies in their perspective. Irrespective of any other considerations such as biological depression, DNA tendencies towards depression, situational depression, etc, the way they perceive the world influences the degree to which they experience depression.

This is true.

But doesn’t that translate into; It’s a choice. It is thus your choice if you do not ‘choose’ to avoid things that may exacerbate or fuel your depression.

This is also true.

So in effect am I supporting the idea depression is a choice and thus, someone’s ‘fault’ if they are depressed?

No.

But isn’t that a contradiction?

It’s not a contradiction because whilst we ARE responsible for what we do with our symptoms and how we perceive things and we know how we perceive things has a knock-on-effect, this is but one element of a larger picture. The larger picture is depression is not simply based upon our perspective of the world nor is our perspective the only cause or effect.

Additionally it is a misnomer to believe positive people never experience depression, negative people always experience depression and realistic people should be less realistic if they want to alleviate their depression symptoms. Whilst there is a relationship between personal perspective and outlook the two are not mutually exclusive, and play only one part in a more complex series of developments leading to depression. It also as stated in earlier posts, depends upon the degree of your depression, the type and the causal factors that vary from person to person, situation to situation.

THAT is why when the media talks about depression they get it so wrong, because they generalize! It’s like trying to talk for every person of color by lumping them all in together! Doesn’t work!

Typically positive thinking is beneficial. But sometimes if you push yourself to be more positive you end up becoming more depressed because you are being ingenious to how you really see the world and you are putting a guilt and pressure on yourself to be someone you are not. One side does not fit all. The way we see the world varies greatly and there is not universal ‘fix’ for depression and that includes positive thinking.

IF positive thinking helps you – emphasis it. IF realistic thinking helps you – go with that instead. For some being too positive feels ingenuous.

Negative thinking is natural but not terribly useful, we all know that. To deny it ever exists puts a lot of pressure upon us to avoid it, sometimes leading to anxiety and feelings of failure. Better to be realistic and admit, if you feel negative, work through it, try to see the other side, and re-balance yourself. Accept that sometimes no matter what you do you may not feel as positive as you would like and you may succumb to negativity for a while. Just so long as you know, there is nowhere to go but down with continual negativity.

That said, sometimes things happen that are negative and not admitting this can be almost like trying believe something you know is not true.

Realistic thinking means accepting bad things happen, not everything is good, you cannot be optimistic all the time and it’s okay if you are not.

Realistic thinking also means you balance the FACTS and you may at times seem negative whereupon you are actually being honest and realistic. Having lived in societies where this was du rigor I was used to that, but moving to America I noticed an emphasis on positive thinking and almost a SHAMING of those who were either realistic or negative. In my humble estimate this may play a part in the increase of depression.

If you live in a society that is intolerant of realistic or negative thinking at almost any cost, and emphasizes and highlights positive thinking you may feel there is something very wrong with you if you do not share that perspective.

I would argue, there is nothing wrong with you and realism should be your first point of call because you are being honest. Lying to yourself either by being too negative or conversely too positive, can have unintended consequences, and whilst aiming high and being positive has its benefits, it does not apply to everyone in every situation.

Case in point, kids today are all given high grades because nobody is allowed to fail. Yet as we know, failure teaches us some valuable lessons. We can take things to extremes and miss the truth of a situation by trying to avoid anything that doesn’t feel ‘good’ yet we learn just as much by trial and error as by positive affirmation and encouragement.

Balance is all.

Next time someone says you are a ‘Debbie Downer’ for being realistic, remind them of this.

Equally, be aware when your negativity sends you into a tail-spin and pull yourself out and re-balance to a more realistic perspective by writing out a list of how you feel versus what you know to be the truth. The key is to try to get how you feel as close to the truth as possible.

Example:

Truth – I am not a loser.

Feeling – I feel like a loser.

Outcome – We can feel like something but without proof it is true, and with evidence to the contrary, this is a feeling stemming from low-self-esteem and maybe an off mood, that can be remedied by realizing how we feel is not always what we are. Equally, define ‘loser’ and critique the ‘need’ to be more than we feel we are.

Living in today’s world with knowledge of history and current events, it’s hard not to at times feel despairing, afraid, frustrated, beyond hope, etc. That is REALISTIC. When we let that bring us down to the abyss that is when negativity has us by the throat. When we dismiss it and look to only enjoy life, that may be dismissing the truth. Sometimes we do have a responsibility to be truthful EVEN if we are going to consider things that do not make us happy. Living hedonistically without care to the world, isn’t realistic, isn’t an answer to depression and does mean we are denying our responsibility to the world at large.

For someone who suffers from depression it can be a natural desire to ‘self-comfort’ by avoiding hard things. Who can blame anyone who has been depressed from wishing to avoid hard things? To ‘not go there’ anymore? But that’s taking things to an extreme. We all must face hard things, in doing so, we learn we can cope, and we also contribute and make things better for others. Running away from that, doesn’t help us evolve and learn coping methods and it means eventually it will catch up with us. Next time you want to run away from something hard, this is worthwhile considering, as a practice run whereby you learn you can handle more than you realize and help others in the process.

Mental Health Month “Inferiority”

The next time you come across someone who has a mental illness, consider the following…

We poke fun at people calling them mentally ill (Trump) without really considering the effect such labeling may have on someone who IS mentally ill. In poking fun we are looking to someone we do not respect and saying ‘they’re mentally ill’ by implication, someone we do not respect is mentally ill – this is all bad.

Just like saying ‘he’s so gay’ or ‘that’s so gay’ you may mean nothing by it, (good grief who hasn’t said it at least once?) but it is implying a negative connotion.

White people cannot and rightfully so, use the N word, but black people can because they own the rights to that word over anyone else. Likewise if you are gay, you could say to another gay person ‘you are so gay’ and it wouldn’t be offensive because it’s about who is saying it to who. So the same applies to derogatory statements about mental health. If two people are sitting in a psych ward and say “Trump is mentally ill” that doesn’t have the same emotional fall out as if someone who is not mentally ill makes the claim.

That may be hard to undesrtand but it’s about sensisitivity and it’s just like any category of people. A Native American can make jokes about Native Americans but an Anglo person cannot. Is that Political Correctness run amock? Not really, when you consider the history behind this.

Much as I have heard some awful sexist jokes and the only person who could tell them should be a woman, and not even then. Bottom line; Don’t go there, it’s not worth it.

I would argue, black people are better off NOT using the N word, and the same applies to any group who may use derogatory jokes/statements about their group in jest, it’s probably not very funny. If that’s too PC then so be it, I don’t see it as a detriment to world humor if we reduce how many off-color jokes we tell.

Ultimately what we relate things to says a lot about what we think of them. If we compare mentally ill people to someone they know we despise, then it’s a criticism whether wrapped up in a joke or not. Next time you are tempted to joke about mental illness consider whether it’s really worth the punch line and the laughs, and whether it’s really funny or just a means of exploiting an already stigmatized group of people. If that seems too serious, so be it, mental illness IS serious just like racism is, sexism is, prejudice is.

What does the mentally ill person feel when they hear jokes and put downs related to mental illness? Inferior.

One may say, a person who suffers from a mental illness is already subject to feeling of inferiority and this is probably the case, therefore they are vulnerable to begin with, and every subsequent insult and attack adds to that feeling.

Again, I have heard people lament the ‘weakness’ and over-sensitivity, of mentally ill people. The typical taunt being; “Why do you have to be SO over-sensitive?”

I would argue, what does it take to be a little sensitive around someone you know is going through a hard time? What does it actually TAKE?

There are many people who identify or are HSP (Highly Sensitive People) and this is not always related to mental illness but the two have a relationship because of the difficulty  of being an HSP in a world of mostly harder-nosed types, proud of their ability to not be sensitive, who see any sensitivity as a weakness and are not afraid of saying so.

I’m not going to labor the point about the value of having sensitivity or the obvious detriment to compassion if we do not have any, because I know there are two sides to this, and with such extremes it is unlikely they will agree. I would only ask that less judgement and condemnation exist, permitting those who are sensitive to go about their lives unmolested.

If you are a HSP and have a mental illness, your struggle is often magnified by the accute awareness of your situation and others reactions and responses to you. If someone makes a joke at your expense that wounds you on a deeper level than those who are able to shrug it off. For some, sensitivity is perceived as a weakness of character and their attitude is one of a bully who takes pleasure in seeing the sensitive person react. If you know someone like that, maybe now is the time to call them on that.

The TV show Thirteen Reasons Why may not be a good example of mental illness, and is lacking in many ways, but one truism is the development of hurt in the main character by the insensitivity around her. This can be a determining factor that leads to the taking of your own life, as in her case. I would argue that she also hurt others, and this was not explored in the show sufficiently, nor was mental illness really examined which it should have been. But irrespective, it highlights the progression of hurt to someone with presumably a pre-existing mental condition, that acts as a trigger to take her own life.

We can be part of a reason why someone is crushed. We may not realize we have that power, and maybe knowing we do, will make us a worse tormenter, but if we want to avoid hurting others, which I hope most of you do, then considering what our words do to those who are more sensitive, doesn’t take very long, doesn’t cost anything and can literally make such a difference. It can stop someone who already is feeling inferior from feeling so inferior that they see no purpose in going on.

Everyone is equal. Nobody is inferior to someone else until they act badly and show their true colors.

 

Mental Health Month “Friends without benefits”

Friendship.

Watching TV shows, reading books, the influence of an ideal, ‘friends forever’ the friends who are there when you need them, friends for life, friends through thick and thin.

Probably should preface this with “unless you are mentally ill”

Why?

Mentally ill people struggle to maintain life-long friendships and connections. An unkind soul may say “can you blame anyone for not being able to put up with THAT?”

Yes.

One reason mentally ill people struggle is the sense of isolation, loss, abandonment, and judgement, all discussed before. Friendship and ties to the community is the basis for survival for most people. Isolation and rejection can lead to suicide and worsening illness. It is not the duty of anyone to befriend a mentally ill person but equally as a society if we put our rapid judgement aside and turned from only seeking ‘fun happy people’ to socialize with, and gave a little thought to those suffering, our empathy would go a long way.

We are selfish on the whole when it comes to friendships. We don’t want to ‘bother’ too much, we don’t want to make an effort. We want something easy and fun. If it’s not we’re likely to drop it.

But the effort we put into our children, our families, our marriages, should equally be considered when looking at friends in need. If we cannot be a good friend are we even a friend? Or are we just a fair-weather friend?

Many people I have spoken with have talked about how much it hurt to be ‘friend dumped’ and how often this occurs when they are going through a hard time. The worst being, it can compound the already existing feelings of worthlessness and self-blame.

It is not the responsibility of others to take care of mentally ill people but it begs the question … if you are only friends with someone when the going is good, are you really friends? If you only want to be friends with someone without any strings attached and no difficult times, how invested are you? In short, are you even a friend?

Friendship is perhaps an art that is lost on us these days, with our increasingly ‘busy’ lives and selfish preoccupations. But remember, society functions well when all of us care about those in our society. If we simply live for ourselves and give no regard to others and their well-being, are we really the good and giving people we envision ourselves to be?

If we are Christian is this the Christian way? If we are Buddhist is this the way of the Buddha? If we are aiming for empathy and treating others as we would hope we would be treated, are we acting accordingly? What would happen if we suffered from a mental illness? What would we expect?

It is worthwhile considering this. A close friend of mine became incredibly ill with a brain tumor and she observed that she lost many friends, including those who went to her church. It showed her the time observed adage that you know who your friends are in your moments of crisis and need. This is where physical and mental health share something in common, in both instances, people flee the individual like rats from a sinking ship.

Finally we can say this is something both mentally ill and physically ill people experience. But why?

People are afraid of illness. They see someone with a brain tumor and act like it’s contagious. They know it’s not logically but this is an instinctive fear. They want to avoid sadness at any cost, they want to avoid reality at any cost, nobody wants to dwell on the possibility of death. It takes a very strong soul to want to go there.

Consequently at your time of need, the very hour you really need people there, you are deserted. Before I began visiting the hospital regularly I was completely unaware of this, I had no idea how many hospital rooms were emptied of visitors and support systems, how many go without any friends to comfort them in their hour of need.

I recall as a kid going to see a friend who was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the state hospital and how he talked about losing all of his friends. It seems like not much has changed.

And ask yourself this … how much would it take to care?

Recently another acquaintance developed Terminal Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, when asked, her colleagues, who had worked with her for TWENTY YEARS put off going to visit, until someone posted on Facebook ‘she’s going to die! Go see her before she does!’ and then, the herd mentality took over and everyone went to visit. It was ingenuous and false, and I came to see, these people who had worked with this woman for two decades, really didn’t care, they wanted it over with.

I understand the knee jerk response to death and all things unpleasant, but we’re all going to die, is this how we would wish others to react to us? Empathy means, consideration of how we treat others, as much as how others treat us, and the two are connected by an understanding that it cannot be a one way street. As painful as it may be, supporting those in their hour of need is what makes the world a better place. If we are too busy to attend to that, what does it say about our priorities?

The same applies to the mentally ill. This can literally be a life saver, a life line, a much-needed support network. Suicide often occurs because of isolation and a feeling that the world would be a better place if I were not in it. Surely losing friends and being ignored, adds to that feeling and thus, the reverse is true if loyalty and constancy exist.

Obviously some friendships have an expiry date and that’s okay, that’s the nature of the beast, but if you’ve stopped calling someone because you are fed-up with their mental illness and it’s not ‘fun anymore’ consider this, what would you want if you were going through the same thing? Should friendship simply be about benefits?

Mental Health Month “The Workplace”

Ask many people with mental illness, how’s the workplace? Many will describe the frustrations of trying to work alongside people who either do not know or do not understand the struggles they are going through, the high rates of unemployment, underemployment and patchy employment relating to mental health.

We hear how many working days are lost to mental health, we know this, but as a society we do nothing to improve the resources for those experiencing mental health challenges. Again, for those who have not experienced any mental health issues, they may wonder, what could be so bad as to take people out of the work place?

Where to start? Panic attacks can make going to work feel like a torture. Anxiety can cause reduced career opportunities because of fear, phobias including agrophobia may make it hard to actually venture beyond the house to a place of work, depression may keep a sufferer in bed on days when they are most needed at the office, bipolar can cause a worker to shift from highly productive to shut down over night. Without a full understanding of the complexities of mental disease, your boss is likely as not, ill equipped to handle these things and that is why so many people with mental illness struggle in the work place.

But what are we doing about it?

In recent years, bullying in the workplace has been a topic of discussion and highlights that we have not progressed as far from the playground as we may think. Typically people with mental illnesses are far more likely to be the object of bullying both in the school yard and work place. We hear about work place violence and assume some ‘crazy person’ came and gunned down some innocents, and whilst there is no justification for work place violence, is there any excuse for work place bullying?

It is worth considering this if you work with someone who is being bullied. Stand up for them, let someone know it’s happening, don’t let those tensions get out of hand, and then wonder what you could have done about it after it’s too late and that person commits suicide or brings a gun to work. Equally, if someone is mentally ill and they’re making it hard in the work place let your boss know, so that they (whose job it is) can do their best to resolve the issue.

Let’s look at an example;

One

Jemima is a closeted lesbian who suffers from anxiety. Her work colleague grows suspicious of her ‘life style’ and watches her type in her password, when Jemima is out at lunch, her work colleague ‘hacks’ her email account bringing up private emails of Jemima’s to her girlfriend. The work colleague prints them out and everyone in the office giggles over their content, unbeknown to Jemima. One person in the office feels this is wrong but doesn’t know what to do. What should they do?

This is a true story. The outcome was, nobody did anything, and Jemima ended up leaving her job, feeling that she had no choice after she found out what had happened and experienced severe anxiety and feelings of shame and bullying. Some would blame her for being in the closet, whilst others would understand, sometimes it has to be that way. But what could have changed to prevent this? If one person had stood up and told Jemima’s boss, then thanks to legal changes protecting people’s private-lives, her boss, whether approving of Jemima’s ‘life style’ or not, would be legally bound to act. If they did not act then this could be protested. Additionally, Jemima’s colleague who objected to this hacking, could have told Jemima and urged her to go to HR and report this as a violation. By doing nothing, nothing gets better.

Sometimes when you stand up. You make a difference. It really can take one person to do it, think of Rosa Parks.

Case Two

Jose is Bipolar but feels if he tells anyone at work he will be fired because that’s happened in two previous jobs so he says nothing. When he gets insurance through his job he does not go to see a psychiatrist because he fears his disease being part of his permanent record and worries this will stigmatize him in the future. Consequently he pays for private care and spends a lot of money on medication.

One week he does not have any medication left and doesn’t have the money to replace them. He begins to get the side-effects of not being on his medication including being unable to sleep at night, paranoid thoughts, inability to concentrate and feelings of mania. He is not able to tell anyone what is going on, tries to do his work at home but because of not being well doesn’t do a complete job.

When he returns to work after getting paid and getting more medication his boss tells him he has to let him go because of poor performance. Jose loses his job and now does not have the money for his medication or any health insurance.

What could have been different here?

The American laws concerning healthcare protect us somewhat from workplace discrimination. This is not inclusive and it’s fallible because people can and do make up other reasons for firing their employees. If in doubt speak to the workplace commission in your state about what your rights are, knowing your rights is half the battle. Likewise, Jose’s boss would be breaking the law if he chose to disclose Jose’s health status to anyone else at his work place, so in this sense, choosing to speak to his boss about what was going on, protects Jose more than staying quiet.

The reality is however, that until stigma around mental health is gone, there are always ways to subvert someone based upon prejudice. If your boss is predisposed to thinking ‘everyone with bipolar is a nut-job’ they may circumvent the law and find a way to get rid of you despite your best efforts. Having anyone else on your side improves your chances, as well as letting the proper legal channels know. Ultimately however, not enough is done to self-guard those with mental illness in the work place and this is one failing that needs serious remedy. After all, we need an income to afford health care one way or another, if we cannot get a job, how are we expected to get treated?

The reality of mental illness is many people are in the closet about it, for a plethora of reasons, and until we reduce the stigma and judgement as a society, they have no incentive to come out. Mental illness does not mean you cannot be an asset to any job, but a level playing field means a fair one, where there is no condemnation or presupposition based upon a mental illness diagnosis.

For a GREAT example of mental illness at work – watch the TV series HOMELAND with Claire Danes. It’s one of the most realistic (as far as anything on TV goes) portrayals of the struggle against the system by a young woman with Bipolar 1.

 

Mental Health Month “If you weren’t so lazy!”

We’ve all heard the mom of a teen accuse them of being lazy. If you just did more, you could accomplish xyz.

For a teen who prefers bed to getting up going to school it’s not a big deal. When it’s a depressed person or anxious person who is told this, it’s tantamount to character assassination but how can we tell the difference between laziness and the inertia that is one of the side-effects of prolonged depression?

Laziness is where you don’t want to do something enough to do it.

Inertia is where you may wish to do something but cannot summon what it takes to do it.

And if you are able to get up and do something, then does that mean you’re lazy when you cannot? If you have the strength to achieve one day but not the next, is that saying something about your will power?

With the best will in the world anyone who has had anxiety/depression or some other mental illnesses, will attest, they’d like nothing better than to wake up feeling like they want to go jogging with their friends along the river side, or take a boat ride out on the lake, or read a book they’ve been dying to read, or start fixing up that DIY home-project of replacing the windows.

A lazy person chooses not to do these things, they may not even want to and prefer to have someone else do them.

It isn’t a choice if you simply cannot do it despite every desire to.

But surely if you put more effort in?

The impact those kinds of statements can have is dangerous. What’s the implication? Someone who doesn’t (fill in the blank) is not pushing themselves, making enough effort. Bottom line – failure.

If you are feeling depressed or anxious, chances are you are quite aware already of how disappointing it is, not to be able to do what you want to do. Being reminded of it, doesn’t motivate a person. It is not the same as pulling the teen out of bed because they are sleeping in and wasting the day, and we do a disservice to those who are depressed by thinking they can snap out of it ‘if only they do this’

But like anything it’s a fine line, because on the other hand, allowing someone we care about to be depressed and ‘wallow’ is not the answer either. Numerous studies attest to the benefits of not locking yourself away from others, avoiding the world and stimulation, when depressed. It may feel bad to get out and do things but guaranteed, it is worse to stay home and dwell. The distinction is in how we use language, avoiding blame phrases to ensure we’re not condemning someone inadvertently.

Depression like any disease can lead people to feel ‘half-alive’ and the last thing you want to do when you are half alive is go swimming or BBQ or socialize. Sometimes if it’s really bad there is nothing for it but call in a mental health day and spend it doing something comforting, hoping the crisis will pass. But if you find yourself in a rut, the loathed things may be the very things you do need to try to do.

If someone in your life makes you feel badly for not ‘trying hard enough’ explain to them depression is a consistent effort, of trying to do things others don’t even have to try to do. Help them understand the analogy of trying to push a bolder up a hill single-handed each and every day. Then next time they imply you’re just too lazy, maybe they’ll catch themselves.

Equally, take responsibility, if history proves that getting out even if it seems impossible, may be beneficial in some ways if only to get your blood flowing, try your hardest to make it happen and if you cannot do it today, aim for tomorrow. Never give up.

If the people who are in the lives of those suffering from depression and anxiety stand in solidarity and do not give up on them, there will be less feelings of hopelessness and isolation. Patience really can be a virtue, as well as considering that how and when we say things impacts a vulnerable person far more than we might be aware of.

Lastly, if you’re not able to move from the sofa today, don’t berate yourself, you tried, you did your best for today and tomorrow you’ll try again. If you see life as a series of efforts, you will soon see that some of those efforts pay off and you do keep moving, maybe at your own pace but nonetheless a pace. Don’t try to be like others who are not going through what you are going through, it doesn’t mean you are less than it means you are listening to yourself and your needs and being realistic about things. Motivating yourself as much as you can does work, but holding yourself to impossible standards, usually sets up feelings of failure.

We live in a society that reveres being ‘too busy’ and condemns ‘not being busy enough’ but if we see this as shallow advice and find a balance that works for us, instead of guilting ourselves over not being enough we can stop and appreciate our own rhythm. We are after all supposed to be living, not just running through life. Finding our own pace and avoiding the stigma of being judged for being at a different pace, means less guilt all round.

Mental Health Month “Shame”

SHAME

“Shame on anyone who provokes unnecessary shame.”

For those who have never experienced mental health issues, it may be possible to consider a mentally ill person as wallowing lazily in their feelings of elected sadness. This may provoke a feeling of ‘isn’t it a shame?’ a sense that they are wasting their life choosing to act and behave this way.

Many times the mentally ill person will be quizzed;

Do you work out?

Do you eat right?

Do you sleep enough?

Sometimes those quizzes are not kind queries but have the double-headed effect of sounding like criticisms. The implication being; If you worked out (better or more often) if you ate better (your fault) if you slept well (rather than badly, by choice) you’d not be sick.

I go back to my earlier point, barring cigarette smokers, would we say this to someone who told us they suffered from cancer? (And is it even morally right to condemn a cigarette smoker for his/her part in their disease?).

Who the hell do we think we are?

Well … we think we are the well ones, the ones who have the answers to the malady of elected depression and/or mental-illness. We think this because we have no ability to empathize with a different way of feeling, because we have no experience of it ourselves or we do and we ‘got over it’ so we assume everyone else can.

It’s worth noting, there are differing types of mental illness (no shit Sherlock!) and of those, differing degrees and/or cause/effects. By this I mean the following;

If you are raped, you may suffer depression, anxiety, flash-backs and PTSD afterward. If you don’t that doesn’t make you stronger. If you do that doesn’t make you weaker. Those symptoms may go in a short time, they may persist, they may last ages. It will depend upon a myriad of factors, mainly, whether you had a pre-existing mental illness or not.

If you are already anxious and depressed and you are raped, then it stands to reason, it will exacerbate pre-existing symptoms. If you are not anxious and depressed and you are raped, you may have fewer symptoms because you are not adding to an existing list of symptoms. Again, taht doesn’t reflect how strong you are.

See it this way … if you have an auto immune disease like thyroid, you are at higher risk of getting another auto immune disease. That’s because whatever propensity predisposes you to the development of the auto immune disease, makes you vulnerable to others because they work similarly as they have ‘auto immune’ in common.

With mental illness, people with bipolar often experience Borderline Personality Disorder at the same time, and ADHD. People with Depression often experience Anxiety at the same time.

Sounds bad?

The propensity is by no means a death sentence, it’s just like saying if you have red hair you are more likely to get skin cancer than if you have dark skin, but dark skinned people CAN get skin cancer and not every red head does. Propensity is not a certainty as there are other (epigenetic) factors at play as well as our friend CHANCE.

And chance, almost rhymes with choice – bringing us back to the point. Shame is a choice. It’s a choice we as people who experience mental illness can make, to avoid as much as possible, and it’s a choice people who know mentally ill people can make when they deal with them.

You can choose to treat others as you would wish to be treated. The law of karma let’s call it.

Or you can choose to satisify some blood lust within you and make someone else feel very, very bad. Yeah you have that power, you are almost a super hero – not.

Shame is inextricorbly linked with sexual abuse in childhood, rape, molestation, illness, rejection, certain religions, gender, sexuality and other societal conventions that often it appears, seek to remind us we are not good.

As women we are told, we are dirty if we sleep around.

As children we are told, we are perverted if we masturbate.

As loners we are told, we’re weird because we prefer a book to company.

The list goes on. It’s safe to say, it appears a fond past-time of humanity to judge and to shame. And we don’t have to be in 1600’s Salem!

Just because it’s 2017 don’t think this practice has stopped. We can find it in bullying, which incidentally, is the number one cause of teen suicide. We can find it in work-place bullying which owes a distinction because it affects older people and is growing in prevelency world-wide. We can find it in older populations who are ignored, neglected, considered less important and ‘past it’ to be contributors. We can find it in minority groups and ethnic groups, same-sex relationships, gender roles and identity or lack of, and all the shades inbetween.

My grandmother used to say; People don’t like what they can’t understand and they don’t like difference.

So I guess, if you’re left-handed, queer, red-haired, freckled, hazel-eyed and autistic you might feel left out.

Okay so that’s an extreme but how many of us don’t entirely fit in some way?

You only need to be into one thing others aren’t, or not like wearing dresses, or burn instead of tan, or have darker pigment than your other family members, to experience the feeling of shame imposed upon you by a bizzare set of ideals and rules.

In other words it’s modern society or as I like to call it, torture.

Except this didn’t start just recently, it started when we began to communicate with each other (read Vanity Fair the novel if in doubt) we use shame and shaming as a coping mechanism (attack other before we are attacked) a weapon (divide and conquer) and a tool (defeat the others first, win). Society is a battle-field. For the mentally ill they are easy targets, who among us who struggles to get out of bed in the morning can handle much more?

Even when someone doesn’t know it, they can shame others. It is very common place to say things without meaning them in a bad way. Perfectly ‘good’ and kind people can inadvertantly say something that can be taken the wrong way ‘I wish you felt better!’ and pain ensues.

Obviously you don’t want to walk around on tiptoe when talking to someone who is suffering, but at the same time, just as we should be aware of the sensitivity of other subjects we should consider the sensitivity of how we address depression and other mental diseases.

Not everyone who is bipolar is a mass murderer or school shooter

Not everyone who is schizophrenic will kill their parents

Not everyone who is depressed will jump off Golden Gate Bridge

But some may and those tiny minorities are but the extremes. Beneath those few extremes lie shades of grey. The depressed person who cuts themselves, the anorexic who develops heart problems, the BPD who alienates people and ends up alone, the bipolar or cannot read a book, and so it goes on.

Everyone has something. If we remember that, then we can treat mental disease the way it should be treated, as a disease, an illness, but not the sum of a person, only an element of their whole. Something to be conscious of, aware of, sensitive to, without stereotyping the whole.

The best technique in the world? Listen to what a person has to say. You can learn a lot. And by doing this, you afford an opportunity for your friend to speak about things without a feeling of shame or judgement. In the long run this acts much like talk therapy and can be incredibly cathartic as well as a really good way of realizing, mental illness doesn’t define you.

Mental Health Month “You have everything going for you! Why are you still sad?”

One of the most common issues with people suffering from a mental illness that produces depression of some kind (and many do, as well as many diseases whose byproduct can be depression, such as Parkinson’s Disease) is; My life is good, I know that, and everyone else knows it and often they ask me – you have everything going for you, Why are you still sad?

Does the problem seem obvious?

And yet … given how many people are routinely told this BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM there is some disconnect.

Why?

I will tell you, someone I was close to used to say this all the time about ‘other’ depressed people but never myself. It became obvious if I were not me, they would be saying it about me, and not saying it, doesn’t mean not thinking it. The rush to judgement expressed by those looking in from the outside can be as damming as any mental illness symptom. It can leave you feeling worthless, ungrateful, evil, wrong-headed, greedy and crazy.

But ask yourself this …

If depression were cured by ‘having everything’ many people who are depressed would not be depressed. After all, whilst we know certain economic factors can exacerbate depression (money worries, chronic health issues, chronic poverty) there is nothing to say the rich suffer less than the poor. But if the commonly held belief that ‘having everything’ should prevent depression why is anyone with a good life depressed?

Quite simply because depression doesn’t owe its existence to circumstance. Circumstance can trigger, evoke, worsen, any mental illness (or physical one for that matter) but it doesn’t always cause it. Again, we have to be mindful that there are varying degrees for everything. You can be temporarily depressed about the loss of a job, you can be medium-term depressed about the loss of a parent, or you can be Dysthymic meaning you have long-term-unremitting depression. Otherwise known as Clinical Depression.

Assuming depression or other mental illness, is not fleeting and circumstance based, then it’s fair to assume, circumstance would have little effect on its ‘cure’

That’s like saying I got cancer from smoking if I quit my cancer will go into remission. Not so easy.

Most people don’t ‘get’ depression, most people develop depression over time, for a multitude of reasons and non-reasons. It doesn’t occur over-night (except in the circumstantial kind) but it can rear its ugly head over night once established. Hence why depressed people are often considered ‘flaky’ because with the best will in the world, the next day you just can’t.

So … why are you still sad? Because if you could do anything to stop being you would and you probably have (done nearly everything) and (clearly) it hasn’t worked sufficiently to ‘cure’ what ails you and turn you into Pippi Longstocking.

Next time someone effectively accuses you of ‘not being happy enough’ (read: Not grateful enough) for your ‘wonderful life’ remind them, depression is not a choice, anxiety is not a choice, doing yoga and appreciating a tree is not going to turn you into a different person over night.

That doesn’t mean change cannot be a positive thing – it goes almost without saying that we know certain life-choices make HUGE impacts on depression/anxiety et al. I could fill a blog JUST on those choices and that’s why I’m not, because there are tons of blogs out there, just google ‘how to cure depression’ and you will find them.

But after you have done all that IF you still feel the way you did before or some semblance of it, do not let others bring you down further by feeling you are an ingrate.

An ingrate is someone who has a fabulous life and doesn’t appreciate it.

A depressed person is someone who (might have a fabulous) life and is unable to fully appreciate it because of their mental illness (but boy do they try!)

Keep trying! One step at a time. We break the stigma by sharing our voices.