Mental Health Month “Personality Disorders”

The first day I was interning in a crisis center, I heard two women talking, and one said; “Whatever you do, don’t ever see a client who has Borderline Personality, they’re the WORST”

Shamefully I had studied but didn’t know very much about BPD yet, as I was only a year into my studies. I went home that night and read up on it and subsequently read some books devoted to BPD including the well-known book “I love you / I hate you.”

Shortly afterward I found out a friend of mine was BPD (BPD often goes hand-in-hand with Bipolar, as we often see Anxiety and Depression co-morbidly). She educated me significantly in a first-person account of what it was like to suffer from a personality disorder.

The very words ‘personality disorder’ strike me wrong. It’s not really giving someone a chance is it? If we label them as being disordered in some way?

It is thought personality disorders ‘grow’ in childhood and upon reaching maturity can be responsive to treatment or not, depending on the depth and extent they were reinforced in childhood. They usually have triggers such as the link between BPD and being sexually abused in childhood.

Why this is – isn’t so hard to understand if we consider, we all have personalities that are shaped by our experiences – any wonder then that certain experiences will commonly shape certain personalities and responses/reactions. If we take this to an extreme, a ‘disorder’ is a disorder of that personality caused by something wrong and traumatic that occurs to a child.

Why then doesn’t every child who is sexually abused BPD?

Because BPD and other personality disorders must be reinforced. If you are abused as a child but someone finds out, the person is taken away, you are told it was not your fault, the trauma is made better by a rectify and love and lack of shame, then you may well be affected by that abuse but not altered by it in terms of your personality.

If however, the opposite occurs and that trauma is reinforced, then by its very nature of reinforcement, the personality ‘disorder’ forms and every bad thing that happens afterward goes to continue that reinforcement.

It can work something like this;

Child A gets raped by her step-father. Child A tells her mom. Her mom calls her a dirty little liar and beats Child A. Child A is then raped repeatedly by her step-father who threatens to kill her if she ever talks again. Child A remains silent to her abuse for years and it goes on, unpunished. At 15 Child A goes to a party, gets drunk and is raped by a friend. Child A is told by her friends she is a slut and deserved it. Child A internalized all of this and develops BPD which among other things is characterized by a profound lack of trust in others.

Phrased like this, are any of us surprised?

In other words, a personality disorder is a consequence to abuse. As such I find the use of ‘disorder’ punitive because we’re saying the person has something wrong with their personality we are focusing on that, without really considering how this occurred.

Why? Because BPD can be very destructive, both to the person with BPD and those who know them. When you are dealing with someone who is capable of throwing everything into flux, it’s hard to make time to consider the background. You are too busy putting out the fires. And that is why BPD is so feared by therapists and wrongly, stigmatized as being a personality disorder people dread. Whether people dread it or not, any health care worker should aim to help those under their care and treat everyone equally. Perhaps that is easier said than done, but this is why more time should be spent learning about the formation of personality disorders.

Later on in my training I was warned again about BPD folk and told that they can be highly manipulative and destructive, they can and will always try to bring you down. I recall thinking ‘I can’t see how anyone could do that’ but later on I saw several colleagues have to defend their licenses against false accusations by BPD patients who were ‘testing’ them or flexing their muscle.

It appalled me to think anyone, even someone mentally ill, could deliberately go after someone with the sole purpose of trying to ruin their life. I found it hard to understand and empathize with them on that. Which is why I now understand why mental health workers can fear certain diagnosis in people. But despite this, I believe, given the right training and awareness, people can find ways to help those who even lash out at them.

BPD is characterized by a pull-push approach to relationships, an intensity, followed by a rejection, both of which are extreme, due to an inability to trust people shifting from intense attraction/like, to repulsion and hate. For most of us, this extreme is not impossible to imagine, perhaps if we have fallen out with a friend who back-stabbed us or a relationship went wrong because someone cheated on us, we went from love to anger at very least. With BPD those emotions are amplified and far more aggressive, with anger as the source. BPD individuals stoke the flame and are among the most angry and vitriolic of the mental spectrum.

For this reason when befriending someone with BPD it’s important to secure firm and unwavering boundaries. Ensuring the BPD knows the ‘ground-rules’ in other words, don’t flirt one day, and be cold the next, don’t be close one day and distant the next, because by doing that, you are feeding into their fears that nobody is trustworthy, and that will only bring on an extreme response.

Many BPD’s confess that the hardest part of the illness is the social disapprobation and isolation. They do not maintain long-term friendships or relationships, they are at high risk for suicide and self-harm, they vacillate between self-incrimination and feelings of persecution. In short, it’s an instability of their psyche due to being fractured in childhood.

This is among the myriad reasons I condemn child-abusers unreservedly. It is not just rape and abuse, it is messing a child’s life forever when you take someone and you fracture them. If we can take child abuse more seriously and catch more of them before they go on to ruin more people’s lives, this will have the knock-on effect of reducing the numbers of people who grow up to develop BPD and save them from difficult and unfair experiences in life. The one positive of a personality disorder is you can prevent it from happening, we cannot do that with all mental illness but when we can, we have no excuse but to try our hardest.

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Mental Health Month “I can deal with it / why can’t you?”

Want to hear a horrible truth? Some of the worst judges of the mentally ill are former mentally ill (or current!) people!

How can that be? Think of ex-smokers and it will become apparent.

There is something in the human psyche in some people, where if ‘WE’ have conquered something, we become intolerant of those who do not.

Why? Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, maybe it’s a feeling that if you’re able to, others are weak for not being able to, maybe it’s just the euphoria of knowing you have, or perhaps it’s denial, you think you have, you say you have, you condemn those who have not, because you’re trying to believe it yourself.

Whatever the reason (and it is important, but it’s very complex) the outcome is if you are mentally ill and another mentally ill person or someone who ‘was’ tells you that you need to get over it, that hurts twice as bad, because you know they know! Or you think well they must do, right?

Wrong.

Just like women will sometimes tell you they cannot recall the extent of the pain they experienced in child-birth because we have hormones that specifically block some of those memories so that women will not be put off having children again, this can be the case for the ‘formerly’ mentally ill. They forget how they felt, they forget how bad it was, they are over it now, they have moved on!

Except, if they have moved on, then why are they so keen to judge?

The truth is, it is too close to home, and a part of them knows they could feel it again, maybe even already does, and so, they lash out because .. they’re frightened.

And that’s why most people do bad things, out of fear.

The man who is in the closet for being gay may tell others it’s wrong to be gay.

The person who is abusing children may be one of the loudest condemnor of sexual predators.

Humans can be hypocrites, never more so than when fear or fear of judgement is involved. We will deny our very selves and turn on those who have the most in common with us, just to save ourselves.

There are of course, other reasons, but fear is a big motivator. Denial is another. And fear and denial can, as we all know, be a great breeding ground for extremist thinking.

Think of those who join extremist cults and their stories and this will be painfully apparent.

So one of the worst things to happen to mentally ill people is … other mentally ill people.

Sad but true. When you think the one person who will ‘get it’ doesn’t, that can really leave you floundering. You may be able to ignore someone who doesn’t get it, but if someone who ‘should’ get it, still doesn’t, that can leave you thinking it really is my fault, it really is something wrong with me.

A bad recipe.

So if you have ever experienced a mental illness and you feel better now – good on you – but spare a thought and better still spare some mercy and empathy for someone who isn’t there yet and may never be.

After all, there are degrees of mental illness, and how bad it gets. There are biological reasons. There are physical reasons. There are emotional and literal reasons. No two people are the same. Some of us by our very DNA are more likely to be addicts, others are more likely to be suicidal. Studies show time and time again, we are not simply bound by the same rules, but our biological legacies. It is literally true that if you have not walked in that person’s shoes you cannot know what they are going through.

If you feel you are stronger than others because you once had a mental illness and now you do not, if you believe you ‘cured’ yourself by sheer will power and effort, and you are ready to condemn and criticise others and tell them that they need to get with the program, consider the above, and hold your tongue. It is one thing to support and encourage, it is quite another to make someone feel that if they just tried as hard as you have, they will not have whatever is wrong with them any longer.

Sadly for many with mental illness it is a recurring, cyclical or intermittent disease that will return. For others it goes away and never comes back. Much of this has to do with the type of mental illness and why it occurred. For example if someone has PTSD from witnessing a brutal attack, the prognosis for them long-term is good, if they did not have a pre-existing condition.

But for someone else with life-long anxiety or depression, being told they should be able to get over it, by someone else who has, but for differing reasons, is counter productive and damaging. It can act as a disincentive, just like the focus on being happy all of the time in our society, can be a thorn in the side of those, who are attempting to just cope with getting out of bed.

We come at things from a myriad of differing directions, lest we forget this, consider long and hard before ever judging, every single time and maybe you’ll find, there is never a good reason (to judge).

Mental Health Month “Unipolar v. Bipolar & the great error”

After a school shooting or shopping mall attack, we nod and say; “Oh the perp was Bipolar (or schizophrenic).”

For those who are Bipolar (or Schizophrenic, discussed in a later post) this is the worst kind of association and thus, stigma imaginable.

Ironically throughout my life, I have been friends with a great number of Bipolar people and can attest that assuming all Bipolar people are gun-toting and ready to blow you away is a little like thinking all feminists want to castrate men.

Sure, mental illness can exacerbate another condition such as anger, and be part of the impetus that leads to an unacceptable outcome. However, this alone doesn’t logically mean all people with certain mental illnesses ARE going to do that. Just as the vast majority of those who are Islam would NEVER be a terrorist, the same is true of those with Bipolar (or other mental disorders)

But try telling that to the media who irresponsibly fuel this stigma.

It’s like the whisper game, you whisper to a friend and by the time you’re at the end of 20 people meaning has changed.

Ask most people and they will say that they think the majority of shooters of that kind are mentally ill and typically Bipolar or Schizophrenic. How could that not impact how they see those people?

As discussed before, stigma is the worst element of any ‘label’ and is carried even when you dismiss it, as a permanent stain in our society so fond of judging others.

Bipolar, previously known as ‘Manic Depression/Manic Depressive’ is a disorder of two parts. Typically you are either Bipolar 1 or ll or mixed-effect meaning not clearly defined by either category. The problem with categorizing is obvious, the benefit is for those trying to establish treatment protocols but like anything else, mental disorders go in swings and roundabouts of popularity, and at times, it’s almost the illness-du-jour to label a higher number of people Bipolar.

I question diagnosis for the simple reason that having seen it implemented I have seen a great many mistakes in those diagnosis. At times it can seem comforting to be ‘told’ what you ‘are’ and ‘treated’ and has saved lives. I don’t dispute that. I do however, worry that the tools by which we diagnose are faulty.

A diagnosis of Bipolar is based upon several criteria, one being that you must have had a manic episode. Bipolar ll requires a manic episode of less severity. A manic episode can be characterized by many behaviors, typically including, insomnia/wakefulness for several days, excessive impulse behavior such as spending money, making rapid and interchangeable big life changes, impulsivity and promiscuity.

Of the MANY bipolar people I know intimately, and have met throughout the years, I have yet to meet two who are alike. What that tells me is labels are usually as counter-productive as over medicating can be and Bipolars are often over-medicated. However unlike Uni-Polar (Depression and/or Dysthymia) Bipolars really respond to medication and are perhaps most likely to benefit from medication of all mental illnesses. As one who doesn’t believe in the ‘magic pill’ I would stand by anyone who has Bipolar taking medication but caution against over-medication and/or not considering other options in tangent, such as diet-change and therapy.

Many people who become Bipolar do so during puberty/late teenage years. It comes on usually as an extreme manic or depressive episode that can lead to hospitalization, suicide attempts or dangerous behavior. In the past Bipolars were characterized from depressives as being ‘delusional’ and thus, ‘clinically insane’ during manic episodes, and thus, their diagnosis was higher up on the ‘illness’ scale of mental illnesses and it was easier to declare them legally unfit.

In this I would agree. Uni-polar depression is basically that, depression. Bi-polar is a mixed cycle (of varying length, degree and frequency) of mania versus depressive symptoms. As such during the manic-period of Bi-polar, individuals can be clinically delusional and suffer delusions of grandeur, extreme expansive thinking and other exaggerated and not literal feelings. One could argue when someone is depressed they are delusional also, but ask a depressed person they will tell you they know it’s depression. Ask someone in a manic episode, they don’t know it until they ‘come down’ and thus, it’s hard to reason with someone during a manic episode. Consequently they can unintentionally do a great deal of harm to others and themselves.

What it takes to push ANYONE to the edge where they choose to shoot people, is more than any mental illness alone. It takes a CHOICE. If you are delusional you don’t have the same kind of choice system as someone sane, so to some extent you can appreciate the diagnosis of clinical insanity when a very ill person shoots other people BUT despite this, Bipolar has more consciousness than say, a full on Schizophrenic delusional episode, and as such, I would argue, most people with Bipolar can choose (not to shoot people) and are more likely to hurt themselves than others (explaining the very high rate of suicide comparatively).

Does that mean they are not capable of making some VERY bad choices? Of course not, they often will, but it is often rooted in self-destruction than destroying others. Some exceptions exist but that is true of everyone. You cannot say someone with Bipolar is more likely to kill than anyone else, because statistically more murders are committed by people without Bipolar than with. As with anything, there is a tendency to push someone over the edge if they are ostracized, shamed, judged, stigmatized and bullied. At that juncture they may act out of their norm because that’s how far they have gone down the rabbit hole.

Bipolar is a very painful disease to live with because on the one hand it can produce the highest elation and feelings of wellness, ability, skill, intellect, foresight, emotion and productivity, followed by a massive crash and the exact reverse. It is the rollercoaster of emotions that cause the higher risk of suicide, imagine feeling on top of the world followed by feeling like you want to die? How is anyone supposed to live with that? This is why medication does work because it can suppress the extent of mania and the extent of depression and level off that individual to a safer plato. But of course ask any Bipolar they will tell you it also curbs the intensity and feels a lot like castration of the mind and emotional pallet which is why periodically Bipolars will ‘go off’ their medication in an attempt to ‘feel’ authentic.

In my own experience, the vast majority of people with Bipolar are considerably above-average in intelligence, and can produce in short periods of time literally incredible outcomes be it artistic or another form. They often have an addictive intensity and are highly likable in those moods, and then quite a different person when crashed. It can be challenging being friends because even when medicated there are up and downs and these medicated shifts, are often characterized by irritability, argumentive(ness) and ‘bitchiness’ which can be difficult.

But all in all Bipolars are given an unfair ‘rap’ by society and struggle every day to achieve an equilibrium that is false to their very natures. In some ways their lives are more interesting than a uni-polar depressive who fights to ever feel that euphoria or happiness, but on the other hand, the swing and mercurial dive into darkness can be more life-threatening. Stupidly I used to envy my more manic friends who seemed to have endless energy and enthusiasm, but there is definitely a high price for this.

Diagnosis is an imperfect science and it is worth noting that more and more people are being diagnosed as suffering from Bipolar 1 or ll and I find this highly suspect. If you are diagnosed you may want to double-check by getting a second-opinion. If you asked anyone if they had a manic episode, chances are they have, be it in a fever-dream or otherwise. People can be promiscuous or manic for other reasons than Bipolar and given that the medication is often strong and has serious side-effects it’s dangerous to accept a diagnosis without being absolutely sure.

Additionally, Bipolars are often diagnosed in their 60’s and beyond which I believe is a misnomer and incorrect. Bipolar disease is a manifestation of the young, and it can worsen as you age, but rarely if ever occurs in older age. If it does this could be the result of something else and that should be treated before the symptoms of Bipolar. Bipolar without a co-morbid primary causality does not just ‘suddenly’ strike a 60-year-old or I would argue, even a 40-year-old. Yes you can go many years ‘un-diagnosed’ but to suddenly start exhibiting symptoms? That’s something else and you should not accept a doctor fobbing you off.

Some Bipolars can function without medication and if you are in that category that may save you the long-term side-effects of medication and the tendency of over-medication by medical professionals, but there is no shame if you are not able to function without some medication and many Bipolars find it helps so much to get on a regiment of medication that works for them, like anything, Bipolar is a disease of extremes and can be ‘mild’ or ‘severe’ just like depression can.

I cannot tell you the number of people I have known who were let-go, fired or forced to leave their jobs when their diagnosis was found out. Equally there are examples that concern me, of Bipolar Psychotherapists hiding their diagnosis and treating patients. I have a lot of compassion for this but from my own experience I think it’s best not to hide a diagnosis even if it means not being able to be a therapist. The same is not true of other jobs, we cannot expect most bosses to understand and we’re only increasing the likelihood of stigmatization to reveal it to them. That said, in some instances with healthcare insurance tied to employment it’s impossible not to.

Contrary to Bipolar stereotypes most with Bipolar are functioning pretty well all things considered and can be supportive to others, and often leaders in innovative, creative expression. But for every success story there are many who suffer so extremely and do not respond to medication and those people are often left feeling they have ‘failed’ where others have succeeded which only makes them feel worse. This is not the case. There is no failure there are degrees of illness. For some, Bipolar can be managed, for others, it cannot just as with varying degrees of depression. If you are not able to function ‘normally’ (whatever that is!) that’s not a personal weakness or indictment of YOU.

Try convincing someone of that … not easy especially when they are bombarded with stories of over-coming Bipolar. Bipolar cannot be eliminated but it can be dealt with. The extent to how much it can be dealt with depends entirely upon the severity of Bipolar and NOT the personal weakness/strength of the individual. It’s imperative never to compare those suffering from Bipolar unfavorably and make someone feel they are failing or not trying.

Typically Bipolars are more at risk for co-morbid diseases such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Anxiety, Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder (ADHD), alcohol and substance abuse. Again, this is not because they are ‘choosing’ these co-morbidities but because of the interrelationship between some mental diseases. Consequently Bipolars also report higher rates of sexual assault, and injury.

Our understanding of the facets of any mental illness is our way of being an inclusive and supportive society for those among us who suffer. What does it take to read this and learn more about a disorder that affects so many people in our society today? What does it take to become more aware of the pitfalls in hope that you could help someone in crisis in the future?

Finally, it is worthwhile considering holding off on a diagnosis of Bipolar in children unless ABSOLUTELY certain because many manifestations that ‘look like’ Bipolar are in fact not, and medication has a deleterious effect on growing-brains that is little understood. Therapy and treatment for the effects is a less dangerous way of dealing with symptoms that resemble Bipolar in children. It is uncommon to manifest as Bipolar before puberty and I personally though not a Psychiatrist, caution against diagnosis until late teen age years (17+).

Mental Health Month “Separating Depressive symptoms from realistic opinions on humanity”

That’s a long title isn’t it? What does it mean?

Philosophers have long quipped that (wo)man’s search for meaning often consists of some degree of navel-gazing and introspection as well as consideration of the greater-meaning of life, including what is positive, negative, realistic and objective versus subjective.

The nuances of each of those, are complex within themselves, can we ever just give a straight and easy answer? Probably not. And because of that, it’s not easy to simply say, someone who has depressive symptoms is not equally influenced by, their world-view which is not always ‘tainted’ by the depression.

In other words, you may be depressed but even if you were not, you may naturally hold or possess some perspectives that could be considered more on the scale of depression than say, the reverse. In other words (lost yet?!) some of our personality is shaped by how we view the world and this can shape how mental illness influences and impacts us.

See it mathematically. If Subject A has a negative world view and also gets depression, which came first, the chicken (world view) or the egg (depression)?

Equally, if Subject A has a realistic world view and also gets depression does that mean being realistic can lead to more likelihood of depression than being say, optimistic?

The reason this matters is – many times those who depression are told the ‘cure’ lies in their perspective. Irrespective of any other considerations such as biological depression, DNA tendencies towards depression, situational depression, etc, the way they perceive the world influences the degree to which they experience depression.

This is true.

But doesn’t that translate into; It’s a choice. It is thus your choice if you do not ‘choose’ to avoid things that may exacerbate or fuel your depression.

This is also true.

So in effect am I supporting the idea depression is a choice and thus, someone’s ‘fault’ if they are depressed?

No.

But isn’t that a contradiction?

It’s not a contradiction because whilst we ARE responsible for what we do with our symptoms and how we perceive things and we know how we perceive things has a knock-on-effect, this is but one element of a larger picture. The larger picture is depression is not simply based upon our perspective of the world nor is our perspective the only cause or effect.

Additionally it is a misnomer to believe positive people never experience depression, negative people always experience depression and realistic people should be less realistic if they want to alleviate their depression symptoms. Whilst there is a relationship between personal perspective and outlook the two are not mutually exclusive, and play only one part in a more complex series of developments leading to depression. It also as stated in earlier posts, depends upon the degree of your depression, the type and the causal factors that vary from person to person, situation to situation.

THAT is why when the media talks about depression they get it so wrong, because they generalize! It’s like trying to talk for every person of color by lumping them all in together! Doesn’t work!

Typically positive thinking is beneficial. But sometimes if you push yourself to be more positive you end up becoming more depressed because you are being ingenious to how you really see the world and you are putting a guilt and pressure on yourself to be someone you are not. One side does not fit all. The way we see the world varies greatly and there is not universal ‘fix’ for depression and that includes positive thinking.

IF positive thinking helps you – emphasis it. IF realistic thinking helps you – go with that instead. For some being too positive feels ingenuous.

Negative thinking is natural but not terribly useful, we all know that. To deny it ever exists puts a lot of pressure upon us to avoid it, sometimes leading to anxiety and feelings of failure. Better to be realistic and admit, if you feel negative, work through it, try to see the other side, and re-balance yourself. Accept that sometimes no matter what you do you may not feel as positive as you would like and you may succumb to negativity for a while. Just so long as you know, there is nowhere to go but down with continual negativity.

That said, sometimes things happen that are negative and not admitting this can be almost like trying believe something you know is not true.

Realistic thinking means accepting bad things happen, not everything is good, you cannot be optimistic all the time and it’s okay if you are not.

Realistic thinking also means you balance the FACTS and you may at times seem negative whereupon you are actually being honest and realistic. Having lived in societies where this was du rigor I was used to that, but moving to America I noticed an emphasis on positive thinking and almost a SHAMING of those who were either realistic or negative. In my humble estimate this may play a part in the increase of depression.

If you live in a society that is intolerant of realistic or negative thinking at almost any cost, and emphasizes and highlights positive thinking you may feel there is something very wrong with you if you do not share that perspective.

I would argue, there is nothing wrong with you and realism should be your first point of call because you are being honest. Lying to yourself either by being too negative or conversely too positive, can have unintended consequences, and whilst aiming high and being positive has its benefits, it does not apply to everyone in every situation.

Case in point, kids today are all given high grades because nobody is allowed to fail. Yet as we know, failure teaches us some valuable lessons. We can take things to extremes and miss the truth of a situation by trying to avoid anything that doesn’t feel ‘good’ yet we learn just as much by trial and error as by positive affirmation and encouragement.

Balance is all.

Next time someone says you are a ‘Debbie Downer’ for being realistic, remind them of this.

Equally, be aware when your negativity sends you into a tail-spin and pull yourself out and re-balance to a more realistic perspective by writing out a list of how you feel versus what you know to be the truth. The key is to try to get how you feel as close to the truth as possible.

Example:

Truth – I am not a loser.

Feeling – I feel like a loser.

Outcome – We can feel like something but without proof it is true, and with evidence to the contrary, this is a feeling stemming from low-self-esteem and maybe an off mood, that can be remedied by realizing how we feel is not always what we are. Equally, define ‘loser’ and critique the ‘need’ to be more than we feel we are.

Living in today’s world with knowledge of history and current events, it’s hard not to at times feel despairing, afraid, frustrated, beyond hope, etc. That is REALISTIC. When we let that bring us down to the abyss that is when negativity has us by the throat. When we dismiss it and look to only enjoy life, that may be dismissing the truth. Sometimes we do have a responsibility to be truthful EVEN if we are going to consider things that do not make us happy. Living hedonistically without care to the world, isn’t realistic, isn’t an answer to depression and does mean we are denying our responsibility to the world at large.

For someone who suffers from depression it can be a natural desire to ‘self-comfort’ by avoiding hard things. Who can blame anyone who has been depressed from wishing to avoid hard things? To ‘not go there’ anymore? But that’s taking things to an extreme. We all must face hard things, in doing so, we learn we can cope, and we also contribute and make things better for others. Running away from that, doesn’t help us evolve and learn coping methods and it means eventually it will catch up with us. Next time you want to run away from something hard, this is worthwhile considering, as a practice run whereby you learn you can handle more than you realize and help others in the process.

Mental Health Month “the stigma-ism’s”

You can get rid of mental illness by …

believing in God more

working harder

socializing more

going to the gym regularly

quitting bad habits and making good ones

replacing negativity for positive thinking

sucking it up

reducing how often you ruminate

and so the list goes on

The problem with all of the above, whilst absolutely good habits for most of us (bar sucking it up) are, they imply therefore, the sufferer of mental illness is not doing enough to help themselves and ultimately they leave the after taste of judgement.

So how do you strike a balance between helping someone or seeking to help someone with a mental illness and coming across like ‘if only you did this, you would be well’ and thus, not understanding mental illness isn’t a lamp, it doesn’t get switched on and off easily, mental illness isn’t a fad (though it isn’t always life-long either) and (some) mental illness isn’t easy to dismiss with will power alone.

Why do we judge?

Why do we stigmatize?

Have you ever thought about that? What is within most of us that causes us to judge others?

If you really think you have NEVER judged someone unfairly or harshly award yourself the “unlikely” prize!

If you really think you have a right to judge someone else regularly, it’s probably best to stop reading now.

Judging has its place. If someone kills your entire family in front of you, chances are at some point you will judge them and find them guilty. Those who have lost family members to these examples of violence, typically say they have to forgive the perpetrator to some extent to prevent it consuming them, or they have to work through the hate and get to a better place. It is not ‘necessary’ to try to understand why someone would do something so evil, but usually in our effort to understand, our first port of call is judgement.

Why did you do this wrong thing? Why are you the way you are? What is wrong with you?

In the case of the murderer of an entire family I doubt many of us would have an issue with their being judged. That’s where judgement comes in handy. Law and order. Justice.

But what about every day life? Why do we go around judging things all the time thinking we are the judge and jury and even executioner (figuratively speaking) what is it about human beings that makes them relish judging or attracted to judging others?

Is it as simple as being insecure? Putting someone lower than ourselves helps us feel better in a twisted way?

Is it as simple as egocentricism? I know I’m right, therefore if you do the opposite of what I believe, you are wrong?

Is it blind faith? This is my faith and belief, anything you do to contradict it or throw it into doubt, means I will turn on you and condemn you.

Is it a knee-jerk reaction out of not understanding? Condemning what we do not understand?

Is it fear? Fearing we are more alike this person whom we judge than not, and thus, pushing them away by judging them, making it clear we are different so nobody will consider we are also guilty?

I don’t know the answers. What do you think?

What I do know is nobody likes being judged. Sometimes it’s useful or necessary in extreme cases like the one about the murderer, or in small incidences where we help someone learn or grow as a person – but this is more advice-giving than actual outright judgement. Outright judgement tends to have no benefit other than to shame that person. If they are guilty of rape, child abuse, murder, swindling, theft, I don’t have an issue with judging someone guilty and then giving them a consequence depending on the seriousness of the ‘crime’ that’s law and order, but in our society we judge continually in casual ways that we may believe have no lasting impact.

And yet … they often have a life long impact.

Cruelty goes hand in hand with judgement. Often the two are nearly indistinguishable. Mental health can be affected by bullying, judging, condemnation, shame, humiliation, etc. Ask yourself, do you feel judging will help anyone? Will it make anything better? Or is it just your desire?

Ever heard the phrase, you can think it but don’t say it? Sure you have. I’m one who is all for the truth, I would rather someone said something to my face than thought it and kept it quiet, but I’m in the minority, most people seem content to be ignorant of the truth of what someone thinks of them, preferring that they not share the negative assessments/judgements they may have.

Next time you find yourself tempted to say something judging, ask yourself, are you judging because you want to make something better and will that judgement achieve that goal? Or are you judging because YOU CAN AND YOU WANT TO.

Then put yourself in the shoes of the person you are judging.

Sometimes its soooo tempting to want to bring someone down a peg or two. You’ve all met one of those, the people with huge inflated egos who boast and seem unbreakable. Haven’t you been tempted to give them a piece of your mind? Or dent their parachute? At the same time do you really know the egocentrism they display is real? Could it be an elaborate construct and underneath an insecure person hides?

If you have to judge, consider judging those who judge others. If there is anyone ‘deserving’ of being judged it is someone who does it for a living. Next time you hear someone being torn apart, defend them, stand up for them, shame the judger. That’s the best way to use our proclivity for judging, for the benefit of the underdog and others who are picked apart.

Words stay forever. You only have to be told once that you are ugly, worthless, a failure, stupid, to believe it. If that seems weak, look at a childs face when they’re told that by a parent or someone who matters.

Mental Health Month “Suicide”

The first time I was personally touched by suicide, a friend’s mom took her own life, her kids found her in the bath, I heard about it second-hand around the age of eight. I remember thinking how I would feel if I found a family member dead, and I tried to be nicer to my friend whose mom had died. I remember other kids said things about how the mom was selfish for doing it, I didn’t join in, there was even then, a part of me that didn’t see it that way.

The second time I was personally touched by suicide, my grandfather took his own life. He overdosed on Valium and was found the next morning when he hadn’t come down for breakfast. He was an artist and a long time Depressive, but despite that, everyone was shocked that a man still in his prime would consider death a better option. I remember people saying; “What a waste, he was so talented” and “How selfish, he had two children and a wife.” Although I didn’t think it at the time, I now wonder, does that mean it’s not selfish if you have no one? Is it more understandable or acceptable if you are not talented? Again, how things are phrased can stick with you.

At the time I saw my grandmother trying to come to terms with it. She ended up drinking the pain away, and developed an addiction to drinking for many years before she joined a cult and through this new-found sense of belonging quit drinking and became happy once more. Whilst we didn’t particularly like her being part of a cult we were glad for her restored peace of mind, but when I think back on it now, I also think we were relieved, we didn’t have to look in the face of grief anymore, everyone wanted to get on with things.

And that’s the hardest part of suicide, how people cope or do not cope after the fact.

Who is left behind, what fall-out carries on sometimes for generations.

One of the first questions a therapist asks is if anyone in your family has committed suicide, there is a reason for that. People whose family members commit suicide have a far higher risk of committing suicide themselves. Some have postulated whether this is ‘learned behavior’ or ‘permission granted’ or biological/in our DNA.

I can definitely see why people who have relatives who commit suicide would go one of two extremes. They are either going to be the last person to commit suicide, because they know first-hand its fall-out, or they may feel that because someone close to them did, it gives permission for them to follow suit. I can also see how some people are genetically at higher risk because something within their DNA makes it more favorable than for others. This doesn’t seem so very different from say, the God Gene.

There definitely are, as with addicts, two camps, the person who just won’t kill themselves under any circumstances and those who will. We may never quite know why, there may be many factors that go into that, but the people who are ‘at risk’ versus those who are not, are often hard to distinguish because in many ways they may both exhibit the same symptoms.

Many times I hear people say that those who commit suicide are ‘weak’ and ‘selfish.’ I have never thought they were. I see no good coming from condemning someone who was sad enough to take their own life. If we do it to discourage others, well it’s not really working, and whilst I would never advocating encouraging anyone to commit suicide or over-justifying those who do, I see no good in criticizing them after the fact. They made a decision, they chose to do it, who are we to say they are weak?

At the same time, we all hope someone will find the ‘strength’ or conviction to keep living. Nobody really approves of suicide except in extreme cases such as euthanasia for those who are suffering and in agonizing pain. Even then, in America, this is a very divided subject with those against, believing no murder is justified including the taking of ones own life, whilst others, often those who have seen it personally, can attest, some terminally ill people have the right to end their suffering.

So if we look at suicide of ‘healthy’ individuals, where do we place the depressed and the mentally ill on that scale? In some Scandinavian countries there have been people who have petitioned the Government to be euthanized based upon mental-illness. This has sparked outrage among those who believe this is tantamount to murder, and in no way qualifies as a terminal illness. Technically mental illness is rarely terminal although many ways, mental illness accompanies terminal diseases and exacerbates their symptomatology.

But even without being terminal, can mental illness ever be ‘bad’ enough to warrant or justify the taking of ones own life? And if we open that flood gate, how do we close it again?

I don’t claim to know the answer, I’m not sure anyone knows the answer yet but the side of suicide we don’t consider as often, isn’t just prevention or reason(s) behind suicide, but the aftermath.

Another friend of mine lost her mother to suicide. If I had to say, without hesitation I would say she became a more responsible, compassionate person as a result. But that doesn’t negate the extreme pain she still feels with the loss of her mom. Given a choice, every day she would wish for her mom’s return over any compassion she may have. The positives cannot outweigh the negative reality of losing someone you love.

If her mom had been deathly ill maybe she would have held a different view, I have never asked her, but either way, it is hard to imagine being ‘okay’ with someone’s suicide. That said, when Brittany Maynard committed suicide (euthanasia) in Oregon a while back I was profoundly moved by her videos and writing on the subject prior to her choice to end her life. Still very young and with a beautiful family, Brittany was terminally ill and knew in a matter of months she would be in excruciating pain and there was no cure and only awful suffering.

Many people condemned her for ‘taking the easy way out’ or ‘going against the will of God’ but I recall admiring her so much for her resolve and strength. I simply could not imagine making that choice, let alone going through with it. Her family moved to another State where Euthanasia is legal in order to be eligible and she made her plight and story public in an effort to educate people on the right to die. I believe in the right to die in part because of her efforts to show it is not the same as suicide.

With depression and other mental illnesses that are not responsive to treatment, it is not hard to imagine why people can be pushed to the brink and wish to end their lives. Should we consider euthanasia for severe cases of mental illness? Currently I don’t think we should but I recognize I may change my mind as more information becomes available. When I stop and think about living with say, Schizophrenia and other illnesses your entire life, in misery, without respite, and medications not working, I can definitely see why someone may wish to end their life. So why do I hesitate in condoning suicide or euthanasia in those cases?

Maybe because whilst we see mental illness as a disease, it’s not terminal and until something is actually ‘definitely’ going to take your life, we have this belief that there is hope, and we should not end our life based on feeling badly. Is this dismissive? I would say in some instances, yes, because there are chronic pain conditions that may include mental disease, that it could be argued, are as devastating to someone as a terminal illness. Perhaps we should give everyone the ‘right’ to choose if they live or die, and I would agree with this except for a worry that sometimes in certain mind-sets we don’t have the right objectivity to ‘choose’ without bias.

Mental illness is one of those biases. When you are mentally ill you can really see the world through a different lens. If you have not ever experienced that, believe me when I say, one day you can feel hopeful, the next it’s like the color was sucked out of the world and the pain you feel inside is unbearable and often without any cause. When that goes on for a prolonged period of time each day can be agonizing. It is definitely understandable that when people feel this way they may contemplate suicide.

The argument against this is – people typically commit suicide or attempt suicide when they are panicking or have calmly given up (the two extremes) they either panic that they will never feel differently and ‘stop the pain! stop it now! stop it any way you can!’ or they feel reconciled to their fate, they do not believe it will ever change, and so they give themselves permission to let go.

Perhaps that is why the very young and the very old are the two groups most likely to take their own lives.

As mentioned earlier, there are many who no matter how bad it got, would never commit suicide. That isn’t necessarily anything to do with personal fortitude or strength, it may be a genetic proclivity, or several factors, but they often perceive those who take their lives as inexplicable. They cannot and will not understand, and they feel understanding is condoning. I would argue, understanding is NOT condoning it’s understanding. We need more understanding.

Mental illness is not always visible, so we often do not know someone is suffering from it until it’s too late. Signs to look for include giving away what we own, a sudden sense of peace and feeling good, high anxiety and stress and the bequeathing of things previously withheld. Of course that’s not going to ensure you accurately predict whom among us is at risk, because just like in the film 13 Reasons, so many people exhibit signs and so many do not, and that’s no guarantee of anything. Additionally suicide can be a sudden choice, you literally realize in a moment and bam, it’s too late.

One population aside teenagers that I believe will increasingly be at risk for suicide is the elderly. More so because our grandparents social security and pensions were more robust than ours will be with some exceptions. It is simply more expensive to live nowadays and the money we will need to live even relatively well in old age, is often more than we can save and invest. Poverty and loneliness are two of the main reasons the elderly choose to take their lives. The third is illness. This can include mental illness. We sometimes believe the value of a person’s life diminishes with increasing age, but every life should have the same value.

The elderly have less resources than teens and in a way, less hope, because they are ageing toward death, whereas a teen has their entire life ahead of them. Sometimes hastening ones death can seem a good choice, to end suffering, loneliness, worry, financial concerns. The elderly can feel they are a burden, they can feel they are not wanted in our ever busy society that highlights youth. Additionally, are we ready as a society to take care of the many who will devleop dementia, which often carries alongside it, chronic depression? Is loading an eighty year old with heavy duty medications and antidepressants all we can to do help them?

Caregivers of the elderly will also experience mental health issues as a result of the hard work they do. Presently elderly patients are over medicated and have less resources for talk-therapy or other treatments. It is deemed simply easier to stick them on a lot of medications and hope they’ll die than treat their suffering compassionately and with an understanding their lives, however long, still hold value. Is it any wonder then that so many elderly are at risk of suicide and premature death? As long as we judge people based on their economic ‘worth’ and believe the elderly ‘had their time’ we will never improve this and rates of elder-abuse will grow.

So whilst we can do more to look out for people, we will never prevent someone from committing suicide if they are absolutely set on doing so. What we can do is save the ones who do not wish to and need a reason not to. It may seem absurd that anyone should really want to die, but there will always be people who do, they find different ways, they take risks, they drive their cars too fast, they may join a terrorist group. Often very unhappy people choose suicide by proxy, by putting themselves in danger and waiting to see if it will take them.

Suicide and mental health are always going to be interrelated and there is a lot the people around those people can do to prevent a successful suicide, but ultimately the best we can do is not judge those who die, for what possible good comes from that? Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to try to understand why someone did what they did. Sometimes there is nothing to understand. But with understanding we can learn, whereas if we simply condemn, we learn absolutely nothing.

Mental Health Month “Rape”

Rape isn’t a subject people talk about very often. Sadly it’s a subject people joke about quite a bit.

The first time I heard a rape-joke I didn’t get it. It was too disgusting to ‘get’ and I am glad I didn’t. Everyone else did though and they all laughed. At the time I didn’t think how someone sitting there who had been raped would feel, but statistics tell us, that likelihood is quite high considering that 80 percent of rape goes unreported and even the reported numbers are staggering.

How a rape joke could hope to be funny, baffles me, but it maybe is more telling of our society as a whole, that we can laugh at true misfortune and tragedy. That’s not gallows humor, that’s just sick.

Rape is never funny. Rape is never something that doesn’t matter. Perhaps if we acted like it mattered more, those who were rape survivors would not be more subject to a plethora of mental illness.

That’s why rape is a subject this Mental Health Month. Because the link between rape and mental illness exists. Rape can among other things, be a cause or contributing cause or exacerbation of; PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Depression, Phobias, Suicidality and Suicide, Cutting/Self-Harm and many other conditions.

We’ve talked in earlier posts about how that doesn’t diminish the very real and medical ‘illness’ of mental disorders, and just because an act pushes someone toward feeling a certain way, does not decrease the legitimacy of the illness part of any mental disease. Illness can and is caused by trauma, and there are few things more traumatic to a girl or woman (or boy or man) than rape.

Perhaps though there is one thing worse and that is not being believed, or the act of rape being diminished or ignored.

I hope most of you have watched The Hunting Ground, a documentary on Campus rapes here in America, but if you have not yet, and you have children, know college age kids, or people who work on campuses, it is compulsory viewing not to be missed.

Ultimately the numbers of rapes committed in any situation are underreported, under prosecuted, and not punished. Some judges do not believe a rapist should go to jail. It is often said ‘but he’s such a good boy and he has his entire life ahead of him’ and this stands as a perfectly reasonable explanation for not giving a rapist a harsher sentence.

The other big let-down as far as rape in the legal system goes, is that rape has a statute of limitations and thus, if five years pass and you do not report your rape you are not protected under the law anymore and cannot prosecute your rapist. This is not true for many other crimes including murder, and financial embezzlement. In other words, you can prosecute someone for stealing from you years later, but you cannot prosecute someone for raping you after a certain time period. Great message you’re giving the survivor!

In the interest of fairness, it should be pointed out this exists because the likelihood of having proof after five years is diminished and it is to protect those falsely accused many years later. But that relies upon a significant swath of false accusations and assumes that proof must exist to punish a rape rather than taking the word of the survivor. Therein lies the rub. It is a difficult subject to prosecute when it’s one person’s word against another and historically women have not been believed over men who were upstanding and respected in the community. So if you’re a prostitute and you are raped by a politician, don’t expect anyone to believe you.

Maybe we cannot do enough about this to change it entirely, but speeding up the rate of prosecution cases, ensuring all rape kits are tested (when so many lie untested due to lack of funding) ensuring the survivors are not ‘blamed’ during their legal ordeal, and educating everyone about the low figures of false reporting, may make some difference.

As with anything we can find examples of those who cried wolf, but that is literally true of anything human. It is singular to rape survivors that they are accused of ‘making it up’ as if everyone involved knows of 1000 x cases of liars who pretended they were raped for whatever gain. We should as we do with ‘innocent until proven guilty’ assume someone is likely to be telling the truth when they pluck up the courage and report being raped. If nothing else, something is wrong.

No more so than on campuses across America today, where so many young people are raped and do not report it knowing it will not go anywhere, or do report it and find those who raped them are not penalized sufficiently because they are a star football player. This inequality of punishment needs to be eliminated because what you are effectively saying is, you are not worth as much as the rapist or we do not believe your rape mattered enough to punish this person.

Sometimes I have heard people say ‘she’s too ugly to be raped she must be lying’ and awful things like that. I had one person told by a police officer that because she admitted she was gay, she had obviously chosen to ‘try the other side’ for the night when she was dragged along the street at night and raped by a stranger in an abandoned warehouse. Sure. She wanted it.

Seeing why people who survive rape, are at high risk for some kind of short-term mental illness or at high risk for exacerbating a pre-existing one, is obvious when you look at the details of what someone really goes through. The aftermath of rape is nearly always the worst part. We need to bring our ability to empathize and our compassion to the table and treat all rape cries seriously.

I have worked in two Rape Crisis Centers and the second one I worked in, only prosecuted a handful of cases via the authorities, due to the enormous back-log of DNA testing (rape kits) and the desire of the authorities to plea deal rather than prosecute. Let us not forget a plea deal is often a free pass for a rapist and his offense is often knocked down to a smaller crime that will not indicate to someone looking at his record, that he is a serial rapist. Typically those who rape do so again and again, so if we do not incarcerate them, reeducate them and rehabilitate them if possible they will go out and do it again.

Likewise those who are beyond our help are still let out onto the streets along with paedophiles whom they know will re-offend it’s just a matter of time. How does this happen? How can we justify this?

For those survivors who tell others that they were raped, it is on our shoulders to be as supportive and gentle as possible with someone who confides in us. So often rape is a subject of humor and fun making and there is literally, nothing funny about rape.SAAMP2017 (SM)7

https://merrildsmith.wordpress.com/

https://www.rainn.org/

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 800-656-HOPE

How to respond to a survivor: https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-respond-survivor

 

Mental Health Month “Inferiority”

The next time you come across someone who has a mental illness, consider the following…

We poke fun at people calling them mentally ill (Trump) without really considering the effect such labeling may have on someone who IS mentally ill. In poking fun we are looking to someone we do not respect and saying ‘they’re mentally ill’ by implication, someone we do not respect is mentally ill – this is all bad.

Just like saying ‘he’s so gay’ or ‘that’s so gay’ you may mean nothing by it, (good grief who hasn’t said it at least once?) but it is implying a negative connotion.

White people cannot and rightfully so, use the N word, but black people can because they own the rights to that word over anyone else. Likewise if you are gay, you could say to another gay person ‘you are so gay’ and it wouldn’t be offensive because it’s about who is saying it to who. So the same applies to derogatory statements about mental health. If two people are sitting in a psych ward and say “Trump is mentally ill” that doesn’t have the same emotional fall out as if someone who is not mentally ill makes the claim.

That may be hard to undesrtand but it’s about sensisitivity and it’s just like any category of people. A Native American can make jokes about Native Americans but an Anglo person cannot. Is that Political Correctness run amock? Not really, when you consider the history behind this.

Much as I have heard some awful sexist jokes and the only person who could tell them should be a woman, and not even then. Bottom line; Don’t go there, it’s not worth it.

I would argue, black people are better off NOT using the N word, and the same applies to any group who may use derogatory jokes/statements about their group in jest, it’s probably not very funny. If that’s too PC then so be it, I don’t see it as a detriment to world humor if we reduce how many off-color jokes we tell.

Ultimately what we relate things to says a lot about what we think of them. If we compare mentally ill people to someone they know we despise, then it’s a criticism whether wrapped up in a joke or not. Next time you are tempted to joke about mental illness consider whether it’s really worth the punch line and the laughs, and whether it’s really funny or just a means of exploiting an already stigmatized group of people. If that seems too serious, so be it, mental illness IS serious just like racism is, sexism is, prejudice is.

What does the mentally ill person feel when they hear jokes and put downs related to mental illness? Inferior.

One may say, a person who suffers from a mental illness is already subject to feeling of inferiority and this is probably the case, therefore they are vulnerable to begin with, and every subsequent insult and attack adds to that feeling.

Again, I have heard people lament the ‘weakness’ and over-sensitivity, of mentally ill people. The typical taunt being; “Why do you have to be SO over-sensitive?”

I would argue, what does it take to be a little sensitive around someone you know is going through a hard time? What does it actually TAKE?

There are many people who identify or are HSP (Highly Sensitive People) and this is not always related to mental illness but the two have a relationship because of the difficulty  of being an HSP in a world of mostly harder-nosed types, proud of their ability to not be sensitive, who see any sensitivity as a weakness and are not afraid of saying so.

I’m not going to labor the point about the value of having sensitivity or the obvious detriment to compassion if we do not have any, because I know there are two sides to this, and with such extremes it is unlikely they will agree. I would only ask that less judgement and condemnation exist, permitting those who are sensitive to go about their lives unmolested.

If you are a HSP and have a mental illness, your struggle is often magnified by the accute awareness of your situation and others reactions and responses to you. If someone makes a joke at your expense that wounds you on a deeper level than those who are able to shrug it off. For some, sensitivity is perceived as a weakness of character and their attitude is one of a bully who takes pleasure in seeing the sensitive person react. If you know someone like that, maybe now is the time to call them on that.

The TV show Thirteen Reasons Why may not be a good example of mental illness, and is lacking in many ways, but one truism is the development of hurt in the main character by the insensitivity around her. This can be a determining factor that leads to the taking of your own life, as in her case. I would argue that she also hurt others, and this was not explored in the show sufficiently, nor was mental illness really examined which it should have been. But irrespective, it highlights the progression of hurt to someone with presumably a pre-existing mental condition, that acts as a trigger to take her own life.

We can be part of a reason why someone is crushed. We may not realize we have that power, and maybe knowing we do, will make us a worse tormenter, but if we want to avoid hurting others, which I hope most of you do, then considering what our words do to those who are more sensitive, doesn’t take very long, doesn’t cost anything and can literally make such a difference. It can stop someone who already is feeling inferior from feeling so inferior that they see no purpose in going on.

Everyone is equal. Nobody is inferior to someone else until they act badly and show their true colors.

 

Mental Health Month “If you weren’t so lazy!”

We’ve all heard the mom of a teen accuse them of being lazy. If you just did more, you could accomplish xyz.

For a teen who prefers bed to getting up going to school it’s not a big deal. When it’s a depressed person or anxious person who is told this, it’s tantamount to character assassination but how can we tell the difference between laziness and the inertia that is one of the side-effects of prolonged depression?

Laziness is where you don’t want to do something enough to do it.

Inertia is where you may wish to do something but cannot summon what it takes to do it.

And if you are able to get up and do something, then does that mean you’re lazy when you cannot? If you have the strength to achieve one day but not the next, is that saying something about your will power?

With the best will in the world anyone who has had anxiety/depression or some other mental illnesses, will attest, they’d like nothing better than to wake up feeling like they want to go jogging with their friends along the river side, or take a boat ride out on the lake, or read a book they’ve been dying to read, or start fixing up that DIY home-project of replacing the windows.

A lazy person chooses not to do these things, they may not even want to and prefer to have someone else do them.

It isn’t a choice if you simply cannot do it despite every desire to.

But surely if you put more effort in?

The impact those kinds of statements can have is dangerous. What’s the implication? Someone who doesn’t (fill in the blank) is not pushing themselves, making enough effort. Bottom line – failure.

If you are feeling depressed or anxious, chances are you are quite aware already of how disappointing it is, not to be able to do what you want to do. Being reminded of it, doesn’t motivate a person. It is not the same as pulling the teen out of bed because they are sleeping in and wasting the day, and we do a disservice to those who are depressed by thinking they can snap out of it ‘if only they do this’

But like anything it’s a fine line, because on the other hand, allowing someone we care about to be depressed and ‘wallow’ is not the answer either. Numerous studies attest to the benefits of not locking yourself away from others, avoiding the world and stimulation, when depressed. It may feel bad to get out and do things but guaranteed, it is worse to stay home and dwell. The distinction is in how we use language, avoiding blame phrases to ensure we’re not condemning someone inadvertently.

Depression like any disease can lead people to feel ‘half-alive’ and the last thing you want to do when you are half alive is go swimming or BBQ or socialize. Sometimes if it’s really bad there is nothing for it but call in a mental health day and spend it doing something comforting, hoping the crisis will pass. But if you find yourself in a rut, the loathed things may be the very things you do need to try to do.

If someone in your life makes you feel badly for not ‘trying hard enough’ explain to them depression is a consistent effort, of trying to do things others don’t even have to try to do. Help them understand the analogy of trying to push a bolder up a hill single-handed each and every day. Then next time they imply you’re just too lazy, maybe they’ll catch themselves.

Equally, take responsibility, if history proves that getting out even if it seems impossible, may be beneficial in some ways if only to get your blood flowing, try your hardest to make it happen and if you cannot do it today, aim for tomorrow. Never give up.

If the people who are in the lives of those suffering from depression and anxiety stand in solidarity and do not give up on them, there will be less feelings of hopelessness and isolation. Patience really can be a virtue, as well as considering that how and when we say things impacts a vulnerable person far more than we might be aware of.

Lastly, if you’re not able to move from the sofa today, don’t berate yourself, you tried, you did your best for today and tomorrow you’ll try again. If you see life as a series of efforts, you will soon see that some of those efforts pay off and you do keep moving, maybe at your own pace but nonetheless a pace. Don’t try to be like others who are not going through what you are going through, it doesn’t mean you are less than it means you are listening to yourself and your needs and being realistic about things. Motivating yourself as much as you can does work, but holding yourself to impossible standards, usually sets up feelings of failure.

We live in a society that reveres being ‘too busy’ and condemns ‘not being busy enough’ but if we see this as shallow advice and find a balance that works for us, instead of guilting ourselves over not being enough we can stop and appreciate our own rhythm. We are after all supposed to be living, not just running through life. Finding our own pace and avoiding the stigma of being judged for being at a different pace, means less guilt all round.

Mental Health Month “Shame”

SHAME

“Shame on anyone who provokes unnecessary shame.”

For those who have never experienced mental health issues, it may be possible to consider a mentally ill person as wallowing lazily in their feelings of elected sadness. This may provoke a feeling of ‘isn’t it a shame?’ a sense that they are wasting their life choosing to act and behave this way.

Many times the mentally ill person will be quizzed;

Do you work out?

Do you eat right?

Do you sleep enough?

Sometimes those quizzes are not kind queries but have the double-headed effect of sounding like criticisms. The implication being; If you worked out (better or more often) if you ate better (your fault) if you slept well (rather than badly, by choice) you’d not be sick.

I go back to my earlier point, barring cigarette smokers, would we say this to someone who told us they suffered from cancer? (And is it even morally right to condemn a cigarette smoker for his/her part in their disease?).

Who the hell do we think we are?

Well … we think we are the well ones, the ones who have the answers to the malady of elected depression and/or mental-illness. We think this because we have no ability to empathize with a different way of feeling, because we have no experience of it ourselves or we do and we ‘got over it’ so we assume everyone else can.

It’s worth noting, there are differing types of mental illness (no shit Sherlock!) and of those, differing degrees and/or cause/effects. By this I mean the following;

If you are raped, you may suffer depression, anxiety, flash-backs and PTSD afterward. If you don’t that doesn’t make you stronger. If you do that doesn’t make you weaker. Those symptoms may go in a short time, they may persist, they may last ages. It will depend upon a myriad of factors, mainly, whether you had a pre-existing mental illness or not.

If you are already anxious and depressed and you are raped, then it stands to reason, it will exacerbate pre-existing symptoms. If you are not anxious and depressed and you are raped, you may have fewer symptoms because you are not adding to an existing list of symptoms. Again, taht doesn’t reflect how strong you are.

See it this way … if you have an auto immune disease like thyroid, you are at higher risk of getting another auto immune disease. That’s because whatever propensity predisposes you to the development of the auto immune disease, makes you vulnerable to others because they work similarly as they have ‘auto immune’ in common.

With mental illness, people with bipolar often experience Borderline Personality Disorder at the same time, and ADHD. People with Depression often experience Anxiety at the same time.

Sounds bad?

The propensity is by no means a death sentence, it’s just like saying if you have red hair you are more likely to get skin cancer than if you have dark skin, but dark skinned people CAN get skin cancer and not every red head does. Propensity is not a certainty as there are other (epigenetic) factors at play as well as our friend CHANCE.

And chance, almost rhymes with choice – bringing us back to the point. Shame is a choice. It’s a choice we as people who experience mental illness can make, to avoid as much as possible, and it’s a choice people who know mentally ill people can make when they deal with them.

You can choose to treat others as you would wish to be treated. The law of karma let’s call it.

Or you can choose to satisify some blood lust within you and make someone else feel very, very bad. Yeah you have that power, you are almost a super hero – not.

Shame is inextricorbly linked with sexual abuse in childhood, rape, molestation, illness, rejection, certain religions, gender, sexuality and other societal conventions that often it appears, seek to remind us we are not good.

As women we are told, we are dirty if we sleep around.

As children we are told, we are perverted if we masturbate.

As loners we are told, we’re weird because we prefer a book to company.

The list goes on. It’s safe to say, it appears a fond past-time of humanity to judge and to shame. And we don’t have to be in 1600’s Salem!

Just because it’s 2017 don’t think this practice has stopped. We can find it in bullying, which incidentally, is the number one cause of teen suicide. We can find it in work-place bullying which owes a distinction because it affects older people and is growing in prevelency world-wide. We can find it in older populations who are ignored, neglected, considered less important and ‘past it’ to be contributors. We can find it in minority groups and ethnic groups, same-sex relationships, gender roles and identity or lack of, and all the shades inbetween.

My grandmother used to say; People don’t like what they can’t understand and they don’t like difference.

So I guess, if you’re left-handed, queer, red-haired, freckled, hazel-eyed and autistic you might feel left out.

Okay so that’s an extreme but how many of us don’t entirely fit in some way?

You only need to be into one thing others aren’t, or not like wearing dresses, or burn instead of tan, or have darker pigment than your other family members, to experience the feeling of shame imposed upon you by a bizzare set of ideals and rules.

In other words it’s modern society or as I like to call it, torture.

Except this didn’t start just recently, it started when we began to communicate with each other (read Vanity Fair the novel if in doubt) we use shame and shaming as a coping mechanism (attack other before we are attacked) a weapon (divide and conquer) and a tool (defeat the others first, win). Society is a battle-field. For the mentally ill they are easy targets, who among us who struggles to get out of bed in the morning can handle much more?

Even when someone doesn’t know it, they can shame others. It is very common place to say things without meaning them in a bad way. Perfectly ‘good’ and kind people can inadvertantly say something that can be taken the wrong way ‘I wish you felt better!’ and pain ensues.

Obviously you don’t want to walk around on tiptoe when talking to someone who is suffering, but at the same time, just as we should be aware of the sensitivity of other subjects we should consider the sensitivity of how we address depression and other mental diseases.

Not everyone who is bipolar is a mass murderer or school shooter

Not everyone who is schizophrenic will kill their parents

Not everyone who is depressed will jump off Golden Gate Bridge

But some may and those tiny minorities are but the extremes. Beneath those few extremes lie shades of grey. The depressed person who cuts themselves, the anorexic who develops heart problems, the BPD who alienates people and ends up alone, the bipolar or cannot read a book, and so it goes on.

Everyone has something. If we remember that, then we can treat mental disease the way it should be treated, as a disease, an illness, but not the sum of a person, only an element of their whole. Something to be conscious of, aware of, sensitive to, without stereotyping the whole.

The best technique in the world? Listen to what a person has to say. You can learn a lot. And by doing this, you afford an opportunity for your friend to speak about things without a feeling of shame or judgement. In the long run this acts much like talk therapy and can be incredibly cathartic as well as a really good way of realizing, mental illness doesn’t define you.