Mental Health Month “I can deal with it / why can’t you?”

Want to hear a horrible truth? Some of the worst judges of the mentally ill are former mentally ill (or current!) people!

How can that be? Think of ex-smokers and it will become apparent.

There is something in the human psyche in some people, where if ‘WE’ have conquered something, we become intolerant of those who do not.

Why? Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, maybe it’s a feeling that if you’re able to, others are weak for not being able to, maybe it’s just the euphoria of knowing you have, or perhaps it’s denial, you think you have, you say you have, you condemn those who have not, because you’re trying to believe it yourself.

Whatever the reason (and it is important, but it’s very complex) the outcome is if you are mentally ill and another mentally ill person or someone who ‘was’ tells you that you need to get over it, that hurts twice as bad, because you know they know! Or you think well they must do, right?

Wrong.

Just like women will sometimes tell you they cannot recall the extent of the pain they experienced in child-birth because we have hormones that specifically block some of those memories so that women will not be put off having children again, this can be the case for the ‘formerly’ mentally ill. They forget how they felt, they forget how bad it was, they are over it now, they have moved on!

Except, if they have moved on, then why are they so keen to judge?

The truth is, it is too close to home, and a part of them knows they could feel it again, maybe even already does, and so, they lash out because .. they’re frightened.

And that’s why most people do bad things, out of fear.

The man who is in the closet for being gay may tell others it’s wrong to be gay.

The person who is abusing children may be one of the loudest condemnor of sexual predators.

Humans can be hypocrites, never more so than when fear or fear of judgement is involved. We will deny our very selves and turn on those who have the most in common with us, just to save ourselves.

There are of course, other reasons, but fear is a big motivator. Denial is another. And fear and denial can, as we all know, be a great breeding ground for extremist thinking.

Think of those who join extremist cults and their stories and this will be painfully apparent.

So one of the worst things to happen to mentally ill people is … other mentally ill people.

Sad but true. When you think the one person who will ‘get it’ doesn’t, that can really leave you floundering. You may be able to ignore someone who doesn’t get it, but if someone who ‘should’ get it, still doesn’t, that can leave you thinking it really is my fault, it really is something wrong with me.

A bad recipe.

So if you have ever experienced a mental illness and you feel better now – good on you – but spare a thought and better still spare some mercy and empathy for someone who isn’t there yet and may never be.

After all, there are degrees of mental illness, and how bad it gets. There are biological reasons. There are physical reasons. There are emotional and literal reasons. No two people are the same. Some of us by our very DNA are more likely to be addicts, others are more likely to be suicidal. Studies show time and time again, we are not simply bound by the same rules, but our biological legacies. It is literally true that if you have not walked in that person’s shoes you cannot know what they are going through.

If you feel you are stronger than others because you once had a mental illness and now you do not, if you believe you ‘cured’ yourself by sheer will power and effort, and you are ready to condemn and criticise others and tell them that they need to get with the program, consider the above, and hold your tongue. It is one thing to support and encourage, it is quite another to make someone feel that if they just tried as hard as you have, they will not have whatever is wrong with them any longer.

Sadly for many with mental illness it is a recurring, cyclical or intermittent disease that will return. For others it goes away and never comes back. Much of this has to do with the type of mental illness and why it occurred. For example if someone has PTSD from witnessing a brutal attack, the prognosis for them long-term is good, if they did not have a pre-existing condition.

But for someone else with life-long anxiety or depression, being told they should be able to get over it, by someone else who has, but for differing reasons, is counter productive and damaging. It can act as a disincentive, just like the focus on being happy all of the time in our society, can be a thorn in the side of those, who are attempting to just cope with getting out of bed.

We come at things from a myriad of differing directions, lest we forget this, consider long and hard before ever judging, every single time and maybe you’ll find, there is never a good reason (to judge).

Mental Health Month “Unipolar v. Bipolar & the great error”

After a school shooting or shopping mall attack, we nod and say; “Oh the perp was Bipolar (or schizophrenic).”

For those who are Bipolar (or Schizophrenic, discussed in a later post) this is the worst kind of association and thus, stigma imaginable.

Ironically throughout my life, I have been friends with a great number of Bipolar people and can attest that assuming all Bipolar people are gun-toting and ready to blow you away is a little like thinking all feminists want to castrate men.

Sure, mental illness can exacerbate another condition such as anger, and be part of the impetus that leads to an unacceptable outcome. However, this alone doesn’t logically mean all people with certain mental illnesses ARE going to do that. Just as the vast majority of those who are Islam would NEVER be a terrorist, the same is true of those with Bipolar (or other mental disorders)

But try telling that to the media who irresponsibly fuel this stigma.

It’s like the whisper game, you whisper to a friend and by the time you’re at the end of 20 people meaning has changed.

Ask most people and they will say that they think the majority of shooters of that kind are mentally ill and typically Bipolar or Schizophrenic. How could that not impact how they see those people?

As discussed before, stigma is the worst element of any ‘label’ and is carried even when you dismiss it, as a permanent stain in our society so fond of judging others.

Bipolar, previously known as ‘Manic Depression/Manic Depressive’ is a disorder of two parts. Typically you are either Bipolar 1 or ll or mixed-effect meaning not clearly defined by either category. The problem with categorizing is obvious, the benefit is for those trying to establish treatment protocols but like anything else, mental disorders go in swings and roundabouts of popularity, and at times, it’s almost the illness-du-jour to label a higher number of people Bipolar.

I question diagnosis for the simple reason that having seen it implemented I have seen a great many mistakes in those diagnosis. At times it can seem comforting to be ‘told’ what you ‘are’ and ‘treated’ and has saved lives. I don’t dispute that. I do however, worry that the tools by which we diagnose are faulty.

A diagnosis of Bipolar is based upon several criteria, one being that you must have had a manic episode. Bipolar ll requires a manic episode of less severity. A manic episode can be characterized by many behaviors, typically including, insomnia/wakefulness for several days, excessive impulse behavior such as spending money, making rapid and interchangeable big life changes, impulsivity and promiscuity.

Of the MANY bipolar people I know intimately, and have met throughout the years, I have yet to meet two who are alike. What that tells me is labels are usually as counter-productive as over medicating can be and Bipolars are often over-medicated. However unlike Uni-Polar (Depression and/or Dysthymia) Bipolars really respond to medication and are perhaps most likely to benefit from medication of all mental illnesses. As one who doesn’t believe in the ‘magic pill’ I would stand by anyone who has Bipolar taking medication but caution against over-medication and/or not considering other options in tangent, such as diet-change and therapy.

Many people who become Bipolar do so during puberty/late teenage years. It comes on usually as an extreme manic or depressive episode that can lead to hospitalization, suicide attempts or dangerous behavior. In the past Bipolars were characterized from depressives as being ‘delusional’ and thus, ‘clinically insane’ during manic episodes, and thus, their diagnosis was higher up on the ‘illness’ scale of mental illnesses and it was easier to declare them legally unfit.

In this I would agree. Uni-polar depression is basically that, depression. Bi-polar is a mixed cycle (of varying length, degree and frequency) of mania versus depressive symptoms. As such during the manic-period of Bi-polar, individuals can be clinically delusional and suffer delusions of grandeur, extreme expansive thinking and other exaggerated and not literal feelings. One could argue when someone is depressed they are delusional also, but ask a depressed person they will tell you they know it’s depression. Ask someone in a manic episode, they don’t know it until they ‘come down’ and thus, it’s hard to reason with someone during a manic episode. Consequently they can unintentionally do a great deal of harm to others and themselves.

What it takes to push ANYONE to the edge where they choose to shoot people, is more than any mental illness alone. It takes a CHOICE. If you are delusional you don’t have the same kind of choice system as someone sane, so to some extent you can appreciate the diagnosis of clinical insanity when a very ill person shoots other people BUT despite this, Bipolar has more consciousness than say, a full on Schizophrenic delusional episode, and as such, I would argue, most people with Bipolar can choose (not to shoot people) and are more likely to hurt themselves than others (explaining the very high rate of suicide comparatively).

Does that mean they are not capable of making some VERY bad choices? Of course not, they often will, but it is often rooted in self-destruction than destroying others. Some exceptions exist but that is true of everyone. You cannot say someone with Bipolar is more likely to kill than anyone else, because statistically more murders are committed by people without Bipolar than with. As with anything, there is a tendency to push someone over the edge if they are ostracized, shamed, judged, stigmatized and bullied. At that juncture they may act out of their norm because that’s how far they have gone down the rabbit hole.

Bipolar is a very painful disease to live with because on the one hand it can produce the highest elation and feelings of wellness, ability, skill, intellect, foresight, emotion and productivity, followed by a massive crash and the exact reverse. It is the rollercoaster of emotions that cause the higher risk of suicide, imagine feeling on top of the world followed by feeling like you want to die? How is anyone supposed to live with that? This is why medication does work because it can suppress the extent of mania and the extent of depression and level off that individual to a safer plato. But of course ask any Bipolar they will tell you it also curbs the intensity and feels a lot like castration of the mind and emotional pallet which is why periodically Bipolars will ‘go off’ their medication in an attempt to ‘feel’ authentic.

In my own experience, the vast majority of people with Bipolar are considerably above-average in intelligence, and can produce in short periods of time literally incredible outcomes be it artistic or another form. They often have an addictive intensity and are highly likable in those moods, and then quite a different person when crashed. It can be challenging being friends because even when medicated there are up and downs and these medicated shifts, are often characterized by irritability, argumentive(ness) and ‘bitchiness’ which can be difficult.

But all in all Bipolars are given an unfair ‘rap’ by society and struggle every day to achieve an equilibrium that is false to their very natures. In some ways their lives are more interesting than a uni-polar depressive who fights to ever feel that euphoria or happiness, but on the other hand, the swing and mercurial dive into darkness can be more life-threatening. Stupidly I used to envy my more manic friends who seemed to have endless energy and enthusiasm, but there is definitely a high price for this.

Diagnosis is an imperfect science and it is worth noting that more and more people are being diagnosed as suffering from Bipolar 1 or ll and I find this highly suspect. If you are diagnosed you may want to double-check by getting a second-opinion. If you asked anyone if they had a manic episode, chances are they have, be it in a fever-dream or otherwise. People can be promiscuous or manic for other reasons than Bipolar and given that the medication is often strong and has serious side-effects it’s dangerous to accept a diagnosis without being absolutely sure.

Additionally, Bipolars are often diagnosed in their 60’s and beyond which I believe is a misnomer and incorrect. Bipolar disease is a manifestation of the young, and it can worsen as you age, but rarely if ever occurs in older age. If it does this could be the result of something else and that should be treated before the symptoms of Bipolar. Bipolar without a co-morbid primary causality does not just ‘suddenly’ strike a 60-year-old or I would argue, even a 40-year-old. Yes you can go many years ‘un-diagnosed’ but to suddenly start exhibiting symptoms? That’s something else and you should not accept a doctor fobbing you off.

Some Bipolars can function without medication and if you are in that category that may save you the long-term side-effects of medication and the tendency of over-medication by medical professionals, but there is no shame if you are not able to function without some medication and many Bipolars find it helps so much to get on a regiment of medication that works for them, like anything, Bipolar is a disease of extremes and can be ‘mild’ or ‘severe’ just like depression can.

I cannot tell you the number of people I have known who were let-go, fired or forced to leave their jobs when their diagnosis was found out. Equally there are examples that concern me, of Bipolar Psychotherapists hiding their diagnosis and treating patients. I have a lot of compassion for this but from my own experience I think it’s best not to hide a diagnosis even if it means not being able to be a therapist. The same is not true of other jobs, we cannot expect most bosses to understand and we’re only increasing the likelihood of stigmatization to reveal it to them. That said, in some instances with healthcare insurance tied to employment it’s impossible not to.

Contrary to Bipolar stereotypes most with Bipolar are functioning pretty well all things considered and can be supportive to others, and often leaders in innovative, creative expression. But for every success story there are many who suffer so extremely and do not respond to medication and those people are often left feeling they have ‘failed’ where others have succeeded which only makes them feel worse. This is not the case. There is no failure there are degrees of illness. For some, Bipolar can be managed, for others, it cannot just as with varying degrees of depression. If you are not able to function ‘normally’ (whatever that is!) that’s not a personal weakness or indictment of YOU.

Try convincing someone of that … not easy especially when they are bombarded with stories of over-coming Bipolar. Bipolar cannot be eliminated but it can be dealt with. The extent to how much it can be dealt with depends entirely upon the severity of Bipolar and NOT the personal weakness/strength of the individual. It’s imperative never to compare those suffering from Bipolar unfavorably and make someone feel they are failing or not trying.

Typically Bipolars are more at risk for co-morbid diseases such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Anxiety, Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder (ADHD), alcohol and substance abuse. Again, this is not because they are ‘choosing’ these co-morbidities but because of the interrelationship between some mental diseases. Consequently Bipolars also report higher rates of sexual assault, and injury.

Our understanding of the facets of any mental illness is our way of being an inclusive and supportive society for those among us who suffer. What does it take to read this and learn more about a disorder that affects so many people in our society today? What does it take to become more aware of the pitfalls in hope that you could help someone in crisis in the future?

Finally, it is worthwhile considering holding off on a diagnosis of Bipolar in children unless ABSOLUTELY certain because many manifestations that ‘look like’ Bipolar are in fact not, and medication has a deleterious effect on growing-brains that is little understood. Therapy and treatment for the effects is a less dangerous way of dealing with symptoms that resemble Bipolar in children. It is uncommon to manifest as Bipolar before puberty and I personally though not a Psychiatrist, caution against diagnosis until late teen age years (17+).

Mental Health Month “Borderline”

This may offend some people.

I truly do not mean to offend but I must be honest. At this juncture I will not consciously be close friends with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.

I realize that goes against almost EVERYTHING I have ever said about accepting people for who they are. It’s a giant screw-you to a group of people who have done nothing wrong and do not deserve exclusion of any kind.

But I’m being honest. I cannot.

I truly believe we should embrace and not judge people with mental illnesses. I believed this before I knew I had one. I believe that STIGMA is the single-most damaging phenomenon in the world virtually.

So why am I such a hypocrite?

Because I tried and tried, or maybe I just knew quite a few people who happened to be Borderline. I didn’t judge. I didn’t condemn. I didn’t ostracize. To me, a person with a mental illness is NORMAL and EQUAL to anyone else.

But I couldn’t do it. I admit this. I couldn’t hack it.

Why?

For me, people who are severely Borderline to the point where the symptoms show (some may be mildly) have messed me up too many times. I end up realizing this. If I keep on doing something – whatever it is – again and again with the hope of the outcome being different but every time I do it, the outcome is EXACTLY THE SAME then it’s my fault and my duty to myself to stop the behavior.

Unfortunately the behavior was befriending people with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have it, and are reading this, you can say fuck you right now.

I’m sorry. It is not a happy choice. I don’t believe it’s right but I have to. Why?

Whilst training I kept hearing about Borderline patients. Most therapists dreaded them. That’s not an exaggeration. Truthfully I didn’t know much about Borderline. I only heard about it around that time, it wasn’t properly understood. I learned Borderline is a personality disorder often characterized by the “I love you / I hate you” extremes in behavior. It is often caused by some severe trauma in childhood and is hard to treat as with any personality disorder. Often times Borderlines will turn on a person not because they are evil or wicked but out of a ‘bites the hand that feeds’ set of responses, or because they perceive the other person to be betraying them.

They are not ‘bad’ or wicked or evil people. They are hurting. They are crushed by the things that caused them to develop this disorder. It is not their fault.

So according to how I live my life, I should be inclusive and welcoming and I was. The only problem was the same thing kept happening. It went like this;

A Borderline person befriends me or I befriend them. We get on well. We are friends nothing more. At first, the Borderline friend really likes me and I really like them. We have a good friendship and things are great. At some point the Borderline perceives that I either do not mean what I say, or I am ingenuous or I am a liar or I am fickle. It could be for a perceived reason or paranoia. It could be based on some degree of reality and then amplified by 1000 percent. The outcome is they switch, they turn on me, I become the ‘enemy’ the perceived reason for bad feelings they have. The bad things that have happened in their life become my fault because I am here, and their past is not. Their response to this is extreme. It can involve a great deal of abuse verbally. We end up not being friends anymore. I am hurt, they are hurt.

If I let this keep happening, though I no longer get hurt anymore, I would be exhausted! I cannot do this. Nobody could. That doesn’t mean Borderline sufferers could never have friends. I believe certain friendships are impossible and that includes me.

I am not blaming myself. If I did I would be buying into the most common accusation a Borderline will throw at me THIS IS YOUR FAULT ENTIRELY YOU DID THIS. I know that is not true.

But .. I accept that I am a certain ‘kind’ of person just as a Borderline is a certain ‘kind’ of person and we – do – not – work.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m too high on the sensitive scale, or the intensity scale, or the closeness scale, maybe I’m too affectionate, maybe I’m too effusive, maybe I’m not effusive enough. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

One thing I know. I can’t do it. And they can’t do it. So unfortunately, contrary to anything else I believe in, I shy away from making friends with someone who admits they are Borderline and that is very sad and I feel very badly about that. But there is no choice. Just as many therapists refuse to see or are reluctant to see, Borderline patients, I am basically avoiding a problem I cannot solve. I realize that is wrong on many levels I just don’t know what alternative exists besides me being a punching bag and I will not let that happen.

Classic Borderline symptoms include; Too much intensity, an extreme adoration of a person that is over-kill and too sudden, the opposite response of extreme dislike/rejection/hate of a person that is sudden also. Many times someone with Borderline is a survivor of childhood sexual or physical or emotional abuse of the worst kind. Borderline is more common among those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder 1.

I feel Borderline people have a really hard time of living in this world. They almost didn’t have a chance, and I admire them for surviving. I would like to help them, befriend them, support them. I do support them in believing them equal to every dignity and right anyone else has. They are not bad people. But the hardest part of being Borderline is that you drive people away. You don’t mean to but you do it. You end up isolating yourself when you least want to. You are lonely but cannot keep lasting relationships. You don’t want to be angry or hateful but you end up being because you perceive that’s what is being done to you.

It’s incredibly unfair.

A friend of mine who was Borderline told me a very valuable lesson. She said, when you are friends with a Borderline person you had better have immaculate boundaries. By that she meant – don’t send mixed-messages of any kind. Do not contradict yourself. Do not say one thing to a Borderline and the opposite to someone else. Do not act like a lover if you are a friend. Do not say you are a friend if you are an acquaintance. Borderline people are very literal. They will take you at your word and if you diverge from your word they will hold you to it.

That might sound like a good thing and in theory it is. Sometimes we have awful boundaries and can be real teases or send mixed-messages. So having healthy and well stated boundaries can really help any friendship. But in the case of Borderline sufferers, people who do not have well-defined boundaries or are very needy, very insecure, very anxious, may inadvertently clash with a Borderline and cause their symptoms to be exacerbated or triggered. In other words not everyone is a good match to be friends with a Borderline. This is not just on them. It’s on us.

I recognize I am not a good match for a Borderline. When I look at my friends they actually do fall into distinct categories. They are either; Very secure and confident. Very sincere, stable and compassionate or very messed up and mentally ill and lonely. The latter is the group I have struggled with the most. If I’m depressed and my friend is depressed it can often work because we can mutually support the other, and understand. A Bipolar friend may get exasperated with me because I’m never manic. A Borderline friend will find me to be imperfect.

I am. I’m imperfect and I’m not super-secure and confident.

So – note to self and note to any Borderline people – we don’t mix well.

This is the first time in my life I have actually realized a good boundary is not being friends with or their being friends with me, a certain group of people. It feels wrong. It feels discriminatory. But it isn’t. It is the setting of those boundaries and the accepting that not everyone gets on and if we know we don’t get on with a certain kind of person then be respectful, we kind, be good, but don’t go the full hog and befriend them with the expectation your friendship will work.

That is growing up. That is experience. That is logic and ultimately, it’s more merciful than keep on doing the same thing expecting a different result.

As for those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I won’t be the one to write about you because that would be insulting and insensitive. But I will say this, in this Mental Health Month period I hope much is written about BPD people to help them and help others not stigmatize or judge them. A personality disorder is a mental disorder and requires the same level of compassion and treatment as any other.

Mental Health Month “Dying in secret”

Body Dysmorphia / Anorexia / Bulimia / Dieting / Shame / Overweight / Underweight / Orthorexic

For many, dealing with ‘real world problems’ an eating disorder or unhealthy relationship with food or self-image, is going to seem vain, unnecessary, small-minded and petty. If you’re one of those people, reading this won’t be interesting.

For the rest of us who at some point or another have experienced one or more of the above and/or been close to someone who has, this has a real world relevance and to dismiss it as a ‘rich white girls disease’ is to ignore the many people who die indirectly or directly or get sicker, every year. What good is shaming someone if you perceive their ‘problem’ not to be worthy enough for inclusion?

Let’s assume for a moment, any eating disorder or body-image issue, IS taken seriously and isn’t derided, insulted, demeaned and made fun of. Let’s assume people feel they CAN talk about it without pretending they have no idea what it is, because of fear of being judged and told; ‘Get a REAL problem rather than a made-up one!’ Tell that to the kids who die in hospital EVERY DAY from issues related to body-image.

It’s easy isn’t it? To condemn someone and say they’re petty and vain for having any type of body image disorder. Do you imagine they chose that life? That they want to be held hostage by a strange madness that seizes their otherwise rational faculties and enslaves them?

I’m not going to say vanity cannot play a part, but the vast majority of kids and adults who experience this of both genders because it affects men and trans also, feel this way because of a build up of reasons not just self-consciousness about the way they physically look. We can prove this though we should not have to, by showing the relationship between parents with eating disorders and their off-spring and the increase in likelihood their off-spring will go on to develop some kind of eating disorder. Likewise this is true even when that off-spring is adopted away from their family. In other words, it’s not just socially learned – some of it is inherited/biological.

The most recent body-issue out there is Orthorexia, and it’s trending because it has formed around a phobic over-response to the ideals of health and the fears of ‘bad’ food that dominate our society. Orthorexics will literally fear eating certain types of food because of everything written about them. For example if we took the various guidance of health gurus we would not eat; Any gluten, any fried food, any sugar, any non-organic produce, any alcohol, any dairy. We’d be left with rice-crackers, seaweed, vegetables and apple puree. Yum.

It may seem absurd, or an over-reaction but if you take health seriously it is easy to develop without intending to, a phobia of eating most foods because of this. You feel everything you eat is bad for you, so why eat it? You only want to eat things that are good for you and if you cannot then you skip eating. You may not be able to afford to eat what you want to eat and that presents problems as well as finding it hard to socialize because of your restricted diet.

More people than ever before have ‘restricted’ diets. Maybe they are gluten-intolerant, allergic to dairy, celiac, have a peanut allergy, are on a diet, have diabetes etc. Many menus calorie count, some break down the fats and ingredients. It is easy to obsess more than ever, and social media fuels this. There are sites devoted to this and other extremes as well as an increase in hard-core fitness programs that exclude many foods.

When someone has a tendency toward obsessing over this, maybe due to a pre-existing condition like body-dysmorphia, it’s not hard to become Orthorexic and fear eating a lot of food. The hard part is because it’s based upon health, it’s hard to find a healthy way of quitting being Orthorexic. How can you tell someone, eat less healthy food sometimes! The jury is still out on the ‘cure’ for this, but usually it comes to a crisis point and the sufferer realizes they are being controlled and they either embrace that and continue or let it go a bit and become less fanatical about how and what they eat. But it is not easy.

Anorexia is the fear of eating and the equating of food with weight-gain and negative feelings/experiences. Anorexics may eat but they often avoid it and limit their intake. Some purge afterward. They usually lose weight sufficiently that people will begin to notice. At first they are praised for being so ‘beach body ready’ and later on when they begin to grow hair on their skin as an extreme response to starvation they are made fun of. Anorexics have the highest risk of dying due to the lower rates of a ‘cure’ and they are often hospitalized.

Bulimia is characterized by bingeing and purging or even simply throwing up after eating. Typically a bulimic has many of the attributes of an anorexic and may starve themselves also or be an anorexic who purges. Other times they may purge but not necessarily lose sufficient weight to be seen to be anorexic although health-wise they are at great risk because of the strain throwing up does to our heart. Combined with inadequate nutrition and the strain of throwing up typical side-effects include broken veins in the face and hands, digestive disease and scarring, tooth decay and stomach problems.

Many people with eating disorders are on a ‘spectrum’ that doesn’t fit the absolute diagnosis of one specific disease, they are considered to have an eating disorder and then it is characterized individually.

Over eaters / binge eaters – an eating disorder characterized by over-eating to cope with stress much like anorexia that is heightened by anxiety and stress. Over-eating can include periods of extreme denial and starvation, it can also include purging. Over-eating can cause fluctuations of weight that put pressure on vital organs, and also can be a very isolating disease with a higher risk for suicide for all types of eating disorders. Sufferers may also gain extreme amounts of weight and suffer the judgement and ridicule that many over-weight or large people suffer because of our societies obsession with lower weights and their stigmatization of ‘fat’

Working out – Sometimes people who work out to lose weight or become fit can become obsessed with it. Whilst not always connected to an eating disorder, this can relate closely to body dysmorphia and shares the ‘control’ factor crucial in all eating and body disorders because it is thought, they all seek to control their surroundings because they do not feel they are in control in other ways.

Body dysmorphia is not an eating disorder but it can lead to, cause or exacerbate an eating disorder. Body dysmorphia is the incorrect transmission of an image of oneself. You can see a photograph, a mirror reflection, a film, of your body and you will not see your body the way others do.

How is that possible?

I have no idea. It seems absolutely impossible. I would NEVER believe it IF I had not A. Experienced it directly and personally B. Known so many others who did C. Professionally worked with many who did. Just like those who are not raped cannot always understand how life-changing rape can be, we seem to struggle to empathize and understand unless we have directly experienced it, which is sad.

To some extent it seems like a delusional disorder, or type of madness. I mean if you think you look a certain way but do not, how can you see yourself physically that way? And yet you do.

People suffering from any of the above, often have other conditions such as anxiety, low self-esteem, they may be survivors of sexual abuse, they may have been raped, they may be being bullied. Depression Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar are other co-morbid conditions that often occur simultaneously. The secretive life of someone with this can be so secretive nobody ever knows they suffered.

Any type of eating disorder is pretty hard to ‘cure’ it was once thought Anorexia could never be cured it could be lived with. Nowadays anorexics and others, have access to treatment if they have the money for the often expensive treatment centers or if they are insured. Treatment can include hypnosis, group therapy, aversion and its opposite ‘exposure’ therapy, cognitive-behavioral and many other methods. Nobody knows the exact ‘cure’ rate but many go on to live healthy lives.

Then again like any addiction or disease, it is possible to switch one for the other. When someone who was say, formerly bulimic is ‘cured’ they may simply take their need for control and place it elsewhere. They may become obsessive-compulsive, they may generate more anxiety, they may take up smoking. It is important to look closely at this because some of the alternatives are as if not more dangerous.

Please note, this is the first time I have ever talked about my own experience in relation to eating disorders or body dysmorphia and my teeth are clenched because it’s like standing naked in public and goes against a history of being expert at hiding these things when they existed.

In my own case, I met a girl I thought was so beautiful around 14 years of age, she was bulimic and anorexic. I recall clearly that I wanted to be like her so I copied her, stupid, immature, but that’s what I did. At first it didn’t mean anything I was just copying her, until my grandmother said one day that I was thick around the waist and would never look good in 1950’s dresses (I was 14) and in the same week my dad told me I was ‘chunky’. Sometimes words have no effect, other times they do. When you are already insecure, and have had a rotten time, sometimes they have too much of an effect and it doesn’t go away.

My friend and I had a secret group where we would binge, purge, starve. Eventually we stuck with starving because we felt badly for wasting food. At 16 a gym teacher said I needed to drop a few pounds, a dance teacher said the same thing and so I entered the world of starving for the sport, which many can relate to. At 17 I began swimming four times a week and during this time of a year, I didn’t starve myself, I was simply too hungry to! It felt great, I was free of the demon.

Except that’s never what happens. The reason we know such things are mental disorders is because they are inherited (children of anorexics have a higher risk) they exist irrespective of culture or income (yes, Hispanics and Blacks have eating disorders too, they were just ignored by the main-stream who believed it to be an Anglo middle-class disease, likewise with boys and men) and it’s usually deeply hidden and never talked about and is a form of delusion-disorder, you SEE things that are NOT there. IE: You are skinny and you see fat.

I can remember being in a dance class and watching all the tan girls in their leotards with their long legs and necks, so graceful and then looking down and seeing my inner thighs all flabby and squishy. It wasn’t true, they weren’t, but that is what I SAW. I remember being at a dinner party and suddenly running to the bathroom and throwing up everything I ate, and covering it expertly with a breath mint, nobody knew and it seemed like a super-power, in fact it was a sickness, an invisible and terribly destructive sickness invading my every thought.

At 18 after my boyfriend had left me, the old demon returned (a need to control) and I began to throw up whenever I ate until I was a dangerous weight. Few people knew, including my parents because I was excellent at hiding things related to my eating disorder. I went to college and in that first year it was the worst it was ever. I realized I was going out of my mind and it controlled me completely, I sought help. I went to a therapist about it and how it related to being abused as a child and other things that had happened in my life. This helped.

The main ‘cure’ of my eating disorder though was not what the magazines would like me to say. It wasn’t that I saw the light, I got better, I’m a shining example. Oh no.

I was ‘cured’ because I was in a relationship and I had nowhere to purge, or throw up after eating and I couldn’t not eat because I lived with four people and they would have noticed. there was only one bathroom, the house was small the walls paper-thin. After a while I realized I just couldn’t hide my disorder and as I was also sharing my bed and happy in my relationship I stopped.

That seems a pretty pathetic reason huh? I thought so.

It also wasn’t true, it was another layer of the delusion.That’s like an alcoholic not drinking in public, doesn’t mean they are not an alcoholic. People say, if it’s a disease you cannot control it, but who said that? Of course you can! You think you can anyway, but really it controls you. When I was alone, even for one night, I would stuff things in my mouth until I nearly burst and then throw up, or I would eat absolutely nothing or I would stare at myself and see something hideous. I didn’t and couldn’t talk about it because we all know what others would say. You are vain. You are shallow. You are pathetic. You cause this. You waste food. You deserve what you get. But it wasn’t vanity it was self-hatred and self-loathing, a desire to be that eight year old again, free of everything. I didn’t know why, I didn’t connect it to sexual abuse and other things that so often are the triggers and markers for at-risk youth to develop eating disorders.

But years later when I was single again I began to starve off and on. I saw that the ONLY thing keeping me from having a full-blown eating disorder again was circumstance! I wasn’t cured at all! I was simply living with the secrecy like a double-agent, patting myself on the back for my success when really it was underneath the surface controlling me. For someone who was so open and honest I was a huge liar, nobody knew, and the more they didn’t know, the more I couldn’t say.

HOW can we have so much control that if we live with someone else it may help and if we are alone we immediately fall back to it? How serious and real can it be then? I think it’s very serious and very real, imagine looking in the mirror and seeing someone who isn’t there! I still do. I cannot see the ‘real’ me in the mirror but what I try to do is surround myself with people who eat healthily but normally, and ensure that I don’t let ‘the voices’ lure me back into bad habits.

I have slipped a few times, notably in times of high stress. I realize for some it is impossible to live with the disease relatively well, for some they are so sick they really do benefit from more intensive treatment and/or hospitalization. I was never as sick as some of the girls (and one boy) whom I knew with eating disorders but that doesn’t mean I was well either. After a very serious bad experience I fell back into starving myself the denial felt redemptive, in my twenties I felt I was far too old to be doing this, and yet I was (many anorexics are over forty, everyone assumes they are 18, the age-bias means many do not ever get treatment). That year I went to visit school friends back in Europe, they all told me how unhealthy I looked, how I had no chest, no flesh, and I felt like I lived with a chimera inside of me, dictating this awful tendency to reduce everything to controlling how much I ate.

In our society if we perceive a disease to be ‘chosen’ or ‘self-selected’ and the person had a choice, then we blame the person who has that disease. We say “I’m not going to understand this disease or empathize because I blame you for causing it, therefore it’s not like a disease you didn’t cause.” What we fail to understand is, while we judge, we judge a far wider number of people who witness that judgement and thus, never seek help, we also instill a sense in the disease-sufferer that their disease is a choice, a bad habit, and their fault. In other words we compound the problem all because we condemn people for something we don’t understand. How many times have you heard someone say; “Those damn anorexic models I have no sympathy for them” We believe that kind of illness is essentially a weakness of character or worse, enviable and thus, we resent them. Would we say that if someone disclosed they had ovarian cancer?

I use my own example because I have NEVER publically talked about having an eating disorder before. I would say it’s a lot like being an alcoholic, you are ALWAYS an alcoholic just like you are always someone with a potential for eating disorders. I did go down the road of Orthorexia and left to my own devices would be merrily heading down it now (except it’s not merry, it’s ridiculous and it’s crazy) and equally I still have body dysmorphia. I can only believe that by admitting this as I have here, I encourage others to get treatment. I personally found therapy very helpful and the other thing that helped was ensuring I took the right vitamins and minerals to balance myself and become less unhinged which I was exacerbating by poor nutrition. It is a vicious circle.

It is very hard for me to recount this, I have tried to delete this several times, feeling that if it gets ‘out there’ I will lose control and I realize, that’s what I have to do and what we all have to do if we experience these feelings. For a long time I could not hang out with people with eating disorders, they triggered me. I am such an independent person ask anyone but when it comes to eating I’m not at all I’m a complete follower and that baffles me. I still struggle to eat when I’m alone or at dinner parties, there are things I will always have and need to always remind myself I have, to face them and not deny them, because then they win.

The grand irony is, I have always been genetically thin, so even if I never had this, I would have been picked on for being underweight, and that’s the farce of it, you can look any way and nobody really knows what’s going on for you, they accuse you of being anorexic when you’re not, and commend you for having a good figure when you’re starving yourself, the mixed-messages of our society increase our propensity to be sick. For some they are genetically wired to not respond to those triggers, whilst others are genetically engineered to respond to them, recent studies show there is a definitive link between DNA and the development of any type of eating disorder. Therefore it’s not all in your head and it is all in your head. But for years we were told it was the spoilt princess syndrome, would that make anyone want to admit it?

It is a form of madness I am certain of it, and as such it belongs in the mental health category almost more than anything else. Society does not help, the continual bombardment of thin bodies really doesn’t help. I have been told I was thin my entire life, and I realize, thin doesn’t even MATTER it’s not IMPORTANT and I don’t even find really thin women attractive! Sometimes it’s not about wanting to be thin, in my case it never was, it was about seeking control and having a really bad relationship with food that was very love-hate. Personally I think bigger women are far more beautiful, proof that an eating disorder or body dysmorphia is not always about weight or thinness, although for some it is.

I had a fear of letting go of being a child, of growing up, of intimacy, of body-shame due to sexual abuse, of self-hate due to low-self-esteem. Those were my triggers, those were my things that led me to develop eating and body disorders. For others it may be the same or different. The thing we all share is a need to control what we feel we do not control – a feeling of being out of control. Sometimes people cut themselves, sometimes people do drugs, sometimes people control what they eat. Equally, if you do not see yourself accurately in the mirror this can be a manifestation of self-hate that was inculcated or indoctrinated and it can lead to a skewed self-image which is at the root of body dysmorphia.

I feel an intense embarrassment and shame at admitting this about myself. I know when I press ‘publish’ I will immediately regret this. And that’s why I’m doing it, because it’s time. Time to end the shame. If you read this and think I’m another white-middle-class-whiner who invents a disease, good day to you, but for those of you who ‘get’ what I’m saying here, I say to you, let’s talk about it, let’s get the monster out of the closet and get to the bottom of it, because the one thing that we hate most of all is admitting it and coming clean, that’s what we avoid at any cost, and that’s exactly why we must.

I’m sorry this is all about me, it was the only way I could find to truthfully tell the story.

 

Mental Health Month “Military secrets”

It struck me during a normal day working at a Rape Crisis Center when I got a call from a young woman who was a recent recruit stationed at a local military base. She told me she had reported being raped by her supervisor, it was dismissed and she was told to drop it or lose her military standing and be dishonorably discharged. She didn’t know where to turn.

I ended up seeing her for over a year, during which time we tried to find out how she could circumvent the military ‘establishment’ and obtain some fair treatment with regards to her sexual assault. Sadly we were not successful and her only recourse was to come see me privately and in secret for fear of people finding out in the military. Her rapist was never prosecuted. Some years later a large national scandal erupted concerning the number of new recruits who were being raped and sexually assaulted en mass on US military training bases and how they were being covered up.

This is one way joining the military can provoke a mental health crisis.

A friend’s brother signed up for the Army at 18 and was deployed overseas to Afghanistan. He came back the only survivor of his platoon, injured but relatively physically well, with crushing PTSD. He developed chronic insomnia, anxiety, clinical depression and had a host of issues that had never existed before, among them, survivors guilt. When he sought help through his local VA he was told he had not served long enough to qualify for many things and his only option was a crowded PTSD group for men, he went a couple of times, there was never enough time to talk about things individually and the anger and tension in the room was overwhelming. He never went back and his VA psychiatrist loaded him up on five medications instead. A couple of years ago another scandal rocked the VA for the over-dosing of soldiers and military personnel of medication for mental health issues, with little therapy or other options being given.

I read about a young man who committed suicide after returning from his deployment upon finding his wife had left him for someone else, and being isolated and unable to re-adjust back into society after being ‘in’ so long. He felt he had nothing to live for, and whilst he did have some old buddies from the tours he did, they were scattered. His isolation and PTSD was untreated and eventually he took his own life. Afterward everyone lamented that more had not been done but nobody thought about that when he was alive. The paltry mental health resources through his local VA which was miles away, were insufficient and outdated. Again, excessive quantities of medication was the norm.

This is the reality of mental health for so many of our soldiers and military who return from dangerous tours and find little by way of mental health support in their communities. The bottom line being, we can’t afford it. Yet, the VA manages to afford many other things, so it is more likely that the priority as is the case world-wide, is not on mental health, despite every published known statistic pointing to the relationship between suicide, illness of all kinds and violence and an inadequate treatment of PTSD and other mental health concerns.

Why don’t we fund mental health?

For those in the military this is crucial because they are being used up and spat out only to be over-medicated and forgotten. Young men who have lost limbs and vigor, get extensive physical rehab but next to none by way of mental rehab. Who doesn’t know that if you lose a limb you will need as much mental as physical ‘work’ to get better? What of the VA and their priorities? Happy to dispense medication or operate, but when it’s a malady of the mind, unable to offer further options? Whilst the VA can be a life-saver it is woefully inadequate as a mental health provider.

The chain reaction of this neglect trickles down. Higher rates of divorce, poverty, disability, inability to work, drug-use, alcoholism, spouse abuse, violence, crime, the list goes on.

If we worked at the source of the issue we would not have to spend most of our time trying to chase the consequences. If you solve the problem to begin with, things would not escalate. How much does it really take to offer better mental health services to our returning forces? Apparently this is not a priority, for counselors regularly apply and are turned away, either because they do not fit the narrow qualifications set out by the VA or they are not hiring, despite a burgeoning need! Psychiatrists see so many VA patients in a day they are overwhelmed and unable to be truly responsive (and responsible!) for each individual. Many times they are done via a satellite link and are not even present in the room.

If you had PTSD would you open up and be candid with a person on a screen?

We exult the bravery of those who join up, and we sing the praises of having a VA system, all well and good, but we need to reinforce this when military return from tours or are impacted by issues that lead to mental health just as much as physical health. Equally, the fears people have when raped, of not getting adequate justice through the military system must change, so that anyone no matter their position and the position of their attacker, can seek justice.

If left unchecked, mental health consequences of rape, PTSD and other mental impacts from working in this field, will go on to have a life-long effect on both the affected individual and their family. Many times we do not realize the family bears the brunt of that person’s return to normalcy. How easy is it to return to normalacy after seeing your platoon shot down and die in front of you? Support for the entire system prevents that system from fracturing, causing a myriad of cracks to appear in a previously sound foundation and this ripple effect can be carried through generations. It goes without saying this applies to both genders, and all law-enforcement as well. More, not less, mental health funding could fix this, but we allocate money elsewhere, thinking mental health is ‘optional’ – try telling that to someone who just saw their friends blown up in front of them.

Mental Health Month “the stigma-ism’s”

You can get rid of mental illness by …

believing in God more

working harder

socializing more

going to the gym regularly

quitting bad habits and making good ones

replacing negativity for positive thinking

sucking it up

reducing how often you ruminate

and so the list goes on

The problem with all of the above, whilst absolutely good habits for most of us (bar sucking it up) are, they imply therefore, the sufferer of mental illness is not doing enough to help themselves and ultimately they leave the after taste of judgement.

So how do you strike a balance between helping someone or seeking to help someone with a mental illness and coming across like ‘if only you did this, you would be well’ and thus, not understanding mental illness isn’t a lamp, it doesn’t get switched on and off easily, mental illness isn’t a fad (though it isn’t always life-long either) and (some) mental illness isn’t easy to dismiss with will power alone.

Why do we judge?

Why do we stigmatize?

Have you ever thought about that? What is within most of us that causes us to judge others?

If you really think you have NEVER judged someone unfairly or harshly award yourself the “unlikely” prize!

If you really think you have a right to judge someone else regularly, it’s probably best to stop reading now.

Judging has its place. If someone kills your entire family in front of you, chances are at some point you will judge them and find them guilty. Those who have lost family members to these examples of violence, typically say they have to forgive the perpetrator to some extent to prevent it consuming them, or they have to work through the hate and get to a better place. It is not ‘necessary’ to try to understand why someone would do something so evil, but usually in our effort to understand, our first port of call is judgement.

Why did you do this wrong thing? Why are you the way you are? What is wrong with you?

In the case of the murderer of an entire family I doubt many of us would have an issue with their being judged. That’s where judgement comes in handy. Law and order. Justice.

But what about every day life? Why do we go around judging things all the time thinking we are the judge and jury and even executioner (figuratively speaking) what is it about human beings that makes them relish judging or attracted to judging others?

Is it as simple as being insecure? Putting someone lower than ourselves helps us feel better in a twisted way?

Is it as simple as egocentricism? I know I’m right, therefore if you do the opposite of what I believe, you are wrong?

Is it blind faith? This is my faith and belief, anything you do to contradict it or throw it into doubt, means I will turn on you and condemn you.

Is it a knee-jerk reaction out of not understanding? Condemning what we do not understand?

Is it fear? Fearing we are more alike this person whom we judge than not, and thus, pushing them away by judging them, making it clear we are different so nobody will consider we are also guilty?

I don’t know the answers. What do you think?

What I do know is nobody likes being judged. Sometimes it’s useful or necessary in extreme cases like the one about the murderer, or in small incidences where we help someone learn or grow as a person – but this is more advice-giving than actual outright judgement. Outright judgement tends to have no benefit other than to shame that person. If they are guilty of rape, child abuse, murder, swindling, theft, I don’t have an issue with judging someone guilty and then giving them a consequence depending on the seriousness of the ‘crime’ that’s law and order, but in our society we judge continually in casual ways that we may believe have no lasting impact.

And yet … they often have a life long impact.

Cruelty goes hand in hand with judgement. Often the two are nearly indistinguishable. Mental health can be affected by bullying, judging, condemnation, shame, humiliation, etc. Ask yourself, do you feel judging will help anyone? Will it make anything better? Or is it just your desire?

Ever heard the phrase, you can think it but don’t say it? Sure you have. I’m one who is all for the truth, I would rather someone said something to my face than thought it and kept it quiet, but I’m in the minority, most people seem content to be ignorant of the truth of what someone thinks of them, preferring that they not share the negative assessments/judgements they may have.

Next time you find yourself tempted to say something judging, ask yourself, are you judging because you want to make something better and will that judgement achieve that goal? Or are you judging because YOU CAN AND YOU WANT TO.

Then put yourself in the shoes of the person you are judging.

Sometimes its soooo tempting to want to bring someone down a peg or two. You’ve all met one of those, the people with huge inflated egos who boast and seem unbreakable. Haven’t you been tempted to give them a piece of your mind? Or dent their parachute? At the same time do you really know the egocentrism they display is real? Could it be an elaborate construct and underneath an insecure person hides?

If you have to judge, consider judging those who judge others. If there is anyone ‘deserving’ of being judged it is someone who does it for a living. Next time you hear someone being torn apart, defend them, stand up for them, shame the judger. That’s the best way to use our proclivity for judging, for the benefit of the underdog and others who are picked apart.

Words stay forever. You only have to be told once that you are ugly, worthless, a failure, stupid, to believe it. If that seems weak, look at a childs face when they’re told that by a parent or someone who matters.

Mental Health Month “Rape”

Rape isn’t a subject people talk about very often. Sadly it’s a subject people joke about quite a bit.

The first time I heard a rape-joke I didn’t get it. It was too disgusting to ‘get’ and I am glad I didn’t. Everyone else did though and they all laughed. At the time I didn’t think how someone sitting there who had been raped would feel, but statistics tell us, that likelihood is quite high considering that 80 percent of rape goes unreported and even the reported numbers are staggering.

How a rape joke could hope to be funny, baffles me, but it maybe is more telling of our society as a whole, that we can laugh at true misfortune and tragedy. That’s not gallows humor, that’s just sick.

Rape is never funny. Rape is never something that doesn’t matter. Perhaps if we acted like it mattered more, those who were rape survivors would not be more subject to a plethora of mental illness.

That’s why rape is a subject this Mental Health Month. Because the link between rape and mental illness exists. Rape can among other things, be a cause or contributing cause or exacerbation of; PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Depression, Phobias, Suicidality and Suicide, Cutting/Self-Harm and many other conditions.

We’ve talked in earlier posts about how that doesn’t diminish the very real and medical ‘illness’ of mental disorders, and just because an act pushes someone toward feeling a certain way, does not decrease the legitimacy of the illness part of any mental disease. Illness can and is caused by trauma, and there are few things more traumatic to a girl or woman (or boy or man) than rape.

Perhaps though there is one thing worse and that is not being believed, or the act of rape being diminished or ignored.

I hope most of you have watched The Hunting Ground, a documentary on Campus rapes here in America, but if you have not yet, and you have children, know college age kids, or people who work on campuses, it is compulsory viewing not to be missed.

Ultimately the numbers of rapes committed in any situation are underreported, under prosecuted, and not punished. Some judges do not believe a rapist should go to jail. It is often said ‘but he’s such a good boy and he has his entire life ahead of him’ and this stands as a perfectly reasonable explanation for not giving a rapist a harsher sentence.

The other big let-down as far as rape in the legal system goes, is that rape has a statute of limitations and thus, if five years pass and you do not report your rape you are not protected under the law anymore and cannot prosecute your rapist. This is not true for many other crimes including murder, and financial embezzlement. In other words, you can prosecute someone for stealing from you years later, but you cannot prosecute someone for raping you after a certain time period. Great message you’re giving the survivor!

In the interest of fairness, it should be pointed out this exists because the likelihood of having proof after five years is diminished and it is to protect those falsely accused many years later. But that relies upon a significant swath of false accusations and assumes that proof must exist to punish a rape rather than taking the word of the survivor. Therein lies the rub. It is a difficult subject to prosecute when it’s one person’s word against another and historically women have not been believed over men who were upstanding and respected in the community. So if you’re a prostitute and you are raped by a politician, don’t expect anyone to believe you.

Maybe we cannot do enough about this to change it entirely, but speeding up the rate of prosecution cases, ensuring all rape kits are tested (when so many lie untested due to lack of funding) ensuring the survivors are not ‘blamed’ during their legal ordeal, and educating everyone about the low figures of false reporting, may make some difference.

As with anything we can find examples of those who cried wolf, but that is literally true of anything human. It is singular to rape survivors that they are accused of ‘making it up’ as if everyone involved knows of 1000 x cases of liars who pretended they were raped for whatever gain. We should as we do with ‘innocent until proven guilty’ assume someone is likely to be telling the truth when they pluck up the courage and report being raped. If nothing else, something is wrong.

No more so than on campuses across America today, where so many young people are raped and do not report it knowing it will not go anywhere, or do report it and find those who raped them are not penalized sufficiently because they are a star football player. This inequality of punishment needs to be eliminated because what you are effectively saying is, you are not worth as much as the rapist or we do not believe your rape mattered enough to punish this person.

Sometimes I have heard people say ‘she’s too ugly to be raped she must be lying’ and awful things like that. I had one person told by a police officer that because she admitted she was gay, she had obviously chosen to ‘try the other side’ for the night when she was dragged along the street at night and raped by a stranger in an abandoned warehouse. Sure. She wanted it.

Seeing why people who survive rape, are at high risk for some kind of short-term mental illness or at high risk for exacerbating a pre-existing one, is obvious when you look at the details of what someone really goes through. The aftermath of rape is nearly always the worst part. We need to bring our ability to empathize and our compassion to the table and treat all rape cries seriously.

I have worked in two Rape Crisis Centers and the second one I worked in, only prosecuted a handful of cases via the authorities, due to the enormous back-log of DNA testing (rape kits) and the desire of the authorities to plea deal rather than prosecute. Let us not forget a plea deal is often a free pass for a rapist and his offense is often knocked down to a smaller crime that will not indicate to someone looking at his record, that he is a serial rapist. Typically those who rape do so again and again, so if we do not incarcerate them, reeducate them and rehabilitate them if possible they will go out and do it again.

Likewise those who are beyond our help are still let out onto the streets along with paedophiles whom they know will re-offend it’s just a matter of time. How does this happen? How can we justify this?

For those survivors who tell others that they were raped, it is on our shoulders to be as supportive and gentle as possible with someone who confides in us. So often rape is a subject of humor and fun making and there is literally, nothing funny about rape.SAAMP2017 (SM)7

https://merrildsmith.wordpress.com/

https://www.rainn.org/

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 800-656-HOPE

How to respond to a survivor: https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-respond-survivor

 

Mental Health Month “Friends without benefits”

Friendship.

Watching TV shows, reading books, the influence of an ideal, ‘friends forever’ the friends who are there when you need them, friends for life, friends through thick and thin.

Probably should preface this with “unless you are mentally ill”

Why?

Mentally ill people struggle to maintain life-long friendships and connections. An unkind soul may say “can you blame anyone for not being able to put up with THAT?”

Yes.

One reason mentally ill people struggle is the sense of isolation, loss, abandonment, and judgement, all discussed before. Friendship and ties to the community is the basis for survival for most people. Isolation and rejection can lead to suicide and worsening illness. It is not the duty of anyone to befriend a mentally ill person but equally as a society if we put our rapid judgement aside and turned from only seeking ‘fun happy people’ to socialize with, and gave a little thought to those suffering, our empathy would go a long way.

We are selfish on the whole when it comes to friendships. We don’t want to ‘bother’ too much, we don’t want to make an effort. We want something easy and fun. If it’s not we’re likely to drop it.

But the effort we put into our children, our families, our marriages, should equally be considered when looking at friends in need. If we cannot be a good friend are we even a friend? Or are we just a fair-weather friend?

Many people I have spoken with have talked about how much it hurt to be ‘friend dumped’ and how often this occurs when they are going through a hard time. The worst being, it can compound the already existing feelings of worthlessness and self-blame.

It is not the responsibility of others to take care of mentally ill people but it begs the question … if you are only friends with someone when the going is good, are you really friends? If you only want to be friends with someone without any strings attached and no difficult times, how invested are you? In short, are you even a friend?

Friendship is perhaps an art that is lost on us these days, with our increasingly ‘busy’ lives and selfish preoccupations. But remember, society functions well when all of us care about those in our society. If we simply live for ourselves and give no regard to others and their well-being, are we really the good and giving people we envision ourselves to be?

If we are Christian is this the Christian way? If we are Buddhist is this the way of the Buddha? If we are aiming for empathy and treating others as we would hope we would be treated, are we acting accordingly? What would happen if we suffered from a mental illness? What would we expect?

It is worthwhile considering this. A close friend of mine became incredibly ill with a brain tumor and she observed that she lost many friends, including those who went to her church. It showed her the time observed adage that you know who your friends are in your moments of crisis and need. This is where physical and mental health share something in common, in both instances, people flee the individual like rats from a sinking ship.

Finally we can say this is something both mentally ill and physically ill people experience. But why?

People are afraid of illness. They see someone with a brain tumor and act like it’s contagious. They know it’s not logically but this is an instinctive fear. They want to avoid sadness at any cost, they want to avoid reality at any cost, nobody wants to dwell on the possibility of death. It takes a very strong soul to want to go there.

Consequently at your time of need, the very hour you really need people there, you are deserted. Before I began visiting the hospital regularly I was completely unaware of this, I had no idea how many hospital rooms were emptied of visitors and support systems, how many go without any friends to comfort them in their hour of need.

I recall as a kid going to see a friend who was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the state hospital and how he talked about losing all of his friends. It seems like not much has changed.

And ask yourself this … how much would it take to care?

Recently another acquaintance developed Terminal Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, when asked, her colleagues, who had worked with her for TWENTY YEARS put off going to visit, until someone posted on Facebook ‘she’s going to die! Go see her before she does!’ and then, the herd mentality took over and everyone went to visit. It was ingenuous and false, and I came to see, these people who had worked with this woman for two decades, really didn’t care, they wanted it over with.

I understand the knee jerk response to death and all things unpleasant, but we’re all going to die, is this how we would wish others to react to us? Empathy means, consideration of how we treat others, as much as how others treat us, and the two are connected by an understanding that it cannot be a one way street. As painful as it may be, supporting those in their hour of need is what makes the world a better place. If we are too busy to attend to that, what does it say about our priorities?

The same applies to the mentally ill. This can literally be a life saver, a life line, a much-needed support network. Suicide often occurs because of isolation and a feeling that the world would be a better place if I were not in it. Surely losing friends and being ignored, adds to that feeling and thus, the reverse is true if loyalty and constancy exist.

Obviously some friendships have an expiry date and that’s okay, that’s the nature of the beast, but if you’ve stopped calling someone because you are fed-up with their mental illness and it’s not ‘fun anymore’ consider this, what would you want if you were going through the same thing? Should friendship simply be about benefits?