Be the friend you would like to have

On the surface I may not seem like much but I have always held this truth;

“Be the change you want to see” (Gandhi)

That means be the friend you would like to have.

I used to be the typical teenager, self-involved, over-sensitive. I thought I was being a good friend but looking back I can see some easy mistakes I made such as always putting my feelings first and not being able to empathize enough with others.

Now that I’m a bit more empathetic I really try, but I must admit it has been hard to make friends as an ‘adult’ because so often people lie and let you down.

More than anything I wish I had friends where I live now, when I moved to America I really lost the ones I left behind, as distance tends to do that, and I didn’t make new ones. I know I should ‘join a club’ but I’m an introvert and that’s really hard for me to do.

Friendship is so underestimated and one reason adults can be lonely especially if like me they don’t have kids.

I would never treat a friend badly and I really don’t understand those who do. Even on WP I have had some people mistreat me, those days are over, I’m too guarded now, which really if you think about it, is a shame.

If we all treated others as we would wish to be treated and we were HONEST the world would be so much better. Period.

Mental Health Month “Borderline”

This may offend some people.

I truly do not mean to offend but I must be honest. At this juncture I will not consciously be close friends with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.

I realize that goes against almost EVERYTHING I have ever said about accepting people for who they are. It’s a giant screw-you to a group of people who have done nothing wrong and do not deserve exclusion of any kind.

But I’m being honest. I cannot.

I truly believe we should embrace and not judge people with mental illnesses. I believed this before I knew I had one. I believe that STIGMA is the single-most damaging phenomenon in the world virtually.

So why am I such a hypocrite?

Because I tried and tried, or maybe I just knew quite a few people who happened to be Borderline. I didn’t judge. I didn’t condemn. I didn’t ostracize. To me, a person with a mental illness is NORMAL and EQUAL to anyone else.

But I couldn’t do it. I admit this. I couldn’t hack it.

Why?

For me, people who are severely Borderline to the point where the symptoms show (some may be mildly) have messed me up too many times. I end up realizing this. If I keep on doing something – whatever it is – again and again with the hope of the outcome being different but every time I do it, the outcome is EXACTLY THE SAME then it’s my fault and my duty to myself to stop the behavior.

Unfortunately the behavior was befriending people with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have it, and are reading this, you can say fuck you right now.

I’m sorry. It is not a happy choice. I don’t believe it’s right but I have to. Why?

Whilst training I kept hearing about Borderline patients. Most therapists dreaded them. That’s not an exaggeration. Truthfully I didn’t know much about Borderline. I only heard about it around that time, it wasn’t properly understood. I learned Borderline is a personality disorder often characterized by the “I love you / I hate you” extremes in behavior. It is often caused by some severe trauma in childhood and is hard to treat as with any personality disorder. Often times Borderlines will turn on a person not because they are evil or wicked but out of a ‘bites the hand that feeds’ set of responses, or because they perceive the other person to be betraying them.

They are not ‘bad’ or wicked or evil people. They are hurting. They are crushed by the things that caused them to develop this disorder. It is not their fault.

So according to how I live my life, I should be inclusive and welcoming and I was. The only problem was the same thing kept happening. It went like this;

A Borderline person befriends me or I befriend them. We get on well. We are friends nothing more. At first, the Borderline friend really likes me and I really like them. We have a good friendship and things are great. At some point the Borderline perceives that I either do not mean what I say, or I am ingenuous or I am a liar or I am fickle. It could be for a perceived reason or paranoia. It could be based on some degree of reality and then amplified by 1000 percent. The outcome is they switch, they turn on me, I become the ‘enemy’ the perceived reason for bad feelings they have. The bad things that have happened in their life become my fault because I am here, and their past is not. Their response to this is extreme. It can involve a great deal of abuse verbally. We end up not being friends anymore. I am hurt, they are hurt.

If I let this keep happening, though I no longer get hurt anymore, I would be exhausted! I cannot do this. Nobody could. That doesn’t mean Borderline sufferers could never have friends. I believe certain friendships are impossible and that includes me.

I am not blaming myself. If I did I would be buying into the most common accusation a Borderline will throw at me THIS IS YOUR FAULT ENTIRELY YOU DID THIS. I know that is not true.

But .. I accept that I am a certain ‘kind’ of person just as a Borderline is a certain ‘kind’ of person and we – do – not – work.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m too high on the sensitive scale, or the intensity scale, or the closeness scale, maybe I’m too affectionate, maybe I’m too effusive, maybe I’m not effusive enough. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

One thing I know. I can’t do it. And they can’t do it. So unfortunately, contrary to anything else I believe in, I shy away from making friends with someone who admits they are Borderline and that is very sad and I feel very badly about that. But there is no choice. Just as many therapists refuse to see or are reluctant to see, Borderline patients, I am basically avoiding a problem I cannot solve. I realize that is wrong on many levels I just don’t know what alternative exists besides me being a punching bag and I will not let that happen.

Classic Borderline symptoms include; Too much intensity, an extreme adoration of a person that is over-kill and too sudden, the opposite response of extreme dislike/rejection/hate of a person that is sudden also. Many times someone with Borderline is a survivor of childhood sexual or physical or emotional abuse of the worst kind. Borderline is more common among those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder 1.

I feel Borderline people have a really hard time of living in this world. They almost didn’t have a chance, and I admire them for surviving. I would like to help them, befriend them, support them. I do support them in believing them equal to every dignity and right anyone else has. They are not bad people. But the hardest part of being Borderline is that you drive people away. You don’t mean to but you do it. You end up isolating yourself when you least want to. You are lonely but cannot keep lasting relationships. You don’t want to be angry or hateful but you end up being because you perceive that’s what is being done to you.

It’s incredibly unfair.

A friend of mine who was Borderline told me a very valuable lesson. She said, when you are friends with a Borderline person you had better have immaculate boundaries. By that she meant – don’t send mixed-messages of any kind. Do not contradict yourself. Do not say one thing to a Borderline and the opposite to someone else. Do not act like a lover if you are a friend. Do not say you are a friend if you are an acquaintance. Borderline people are very literal. They will take you at your word and if you diverge from your word they will hold you to it.

That might sound like a good thing and in theory it is. Sometimes we have awful boundaries and can be real teases or send mixed-messages. So having healthy and well stated boundaries can really help any friendship. But in the case of Borderline sufferers, people who do not have well-defined boundaries or are very needy, very insecure, very anxious, may inadvertently clash with a Borderline and cause their symptoms to be exacerbated or triggered. In other words not everyone is a good match to be friends with a Borderline. This is not just on them. It’s on us.

I recognize I am not a good match for a Borderline. When I look at my friends they actually do fall into distinct categories. They are either; Very secure and confident. Very sincere, stable and compassionate or very messed up and mentally ill and lonely. The latter is the group I have struggled with the most. If I’m depressed and my friend is depressed it can often work because we can mutually support the other, and understand. A Bipolar friend may get exasperated with me because I’m never manic. A Borderline friend will find me to be imperfect.

I am. I’m imperfect and I’m not super-secure and confident.

So – note to self and note to any Borderline people – we don’t mix well.

This is the first time in my life I have actually realized a good boundary is not being friends with or their being friends with me, a certain group of people. It feels wrong. It feels discriminatory. But it isn’t. It is the setting of those boundaries and the accepting that not everyone gets on and if we know we don’t get on with a certain kind of person then be respectful, we kind, be good, but don’t go the full hog and befriend them with the expectation your friendship will work.

That is growing up. That is experience. That is logic and ultimately, it’s more merciful than keep on doing the same thing expecting a different result.

As for those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I won’t be the one to write about you because that would be insulting and insensitive. But I will say this, in this Mental Health Month period I hope much is written about BPD people to help them and help others not stigmatize or judge them. A personality disorder is a mental disorder and requires the same level of compassion and treatment as any other.

Mental Health Month “Dying in secret”

Body Dysmorphia / Anorexia / Bulimia / Dieting / Shame / Overweight / Underweight / Orthorexic

For many, dealing with ‘real world problems’ an eating disorder or unhealthy relationship with food or self-image, is going to seem vain, unnecessary, small-minded and petty. If you’re one of those people, reading this won’t be interesting.

For the rest of us who at some point or another have experienced one or more of the above and/or been close to someone who has, this has a real world relevance and to dismiss it as a ‘rich white girls disease’ is to ignore the many people who die indirectly or directly or get sicker, every year. What good is shaming someone if you perceive their ‘problem’ not to be worthy enough for inclusion?

Let’s assume for a moment, any eating disorder or body-image issue, IS taken seriously and isn’t derided, insulted, demeaned and made fun of. Let’s assume people feel they CAN talk about it without pretending they have no idea what it is, because of fear of being judged and told; ‘Get a REAL problem rather than a made-up one!’ Tell that to the kids who die in hospital EVERY DAY from issues related to body-image.

It’s easy isn’t it? To condemn someone and say they’re petty and vain for having any type of body image disorder. Do you imagine they chose that life? That they want to be held hostage by a strange madness that seizes their otherwise rational faculties and enslaves them?

I’m not going to say vanity cannot play a part, but the vast majority of kids and adults who experience this of both genders because it affects men and trans also, feel this way because of a build up of reasons not just self-consciousness about the way they physically look. We can prove this though we should not have to, by showing the relationship between parents with eating disorders and their off-spring and the increase in likelihood their off-spring will go on to develop some kind of eating disorder. Likewise this is true even when that off-spring is adopted away from their family. In other words, it’s not just socially learned – some of it is inherited/biological.

The most recent body-issue out there is Orthorexia, and it’s trending because it has formed around a phobic over-response to the ideals of health and the fears of ‘bad’ food that dominate our society. Orthorexics will literally fear eating certain types of food because of everything written about them. For example if we took the various guidance of health gurus we would not eat; Any gluten, any fried food, any sugar, any non-organic produce, any alcohol, any dairy. We’d be left with rice-crackers, seaweed, vegetables and apple puree. Yum.

It may seem absurd, or an over-reaction but if you take health seriously it is easy to develop without intending to, a phobia of eating most foods because of this. You feel everything you eat is bad for you, so why eat it? You only want to eat things that are good for you and if you cannot then you skip eating. You may not be able to afford to eat what you want to eat and that presents problems as well as finding it hard to socialize because of your restricted diet.

More people than ever before have ‘restricted’ diets. Maybe they are gluten-intolerant, allergic to dairy, celiac, have a peanut allergy, are on a diet, have diabetes etc. Many menus calorie count, some break down the fats and ingredients. It is easy to obsess more than ever, and social media fuels this. There are sites devoted to this and other extremes as well as an increase in hard-core fitness programs that exclude many foods.

When someone has a tendency toward obsessing over this, maybe due to a pre-existing condition like body-dysmorphia, it’s not hard to become Orthorexic and fear eating a lot of food. The hard part is because it’s based upon health, it’s hard to find a healthy way of quitting being Orthorexic. How can you tell someone, eat less healthy food sometimes! The jury is still out on the ‘cure’ for this, but usually it comes to a crisis point and the sufferer realizes they are being controlled and they either embrace that and continue or let it go a bit and become less fanatical about how and what they eat. But it is not easy.

Anorexia is the fear of eating and the equating of food with weight-gain and negative feelings/experiences. Anorexics may eat but they often avoid it and limit their intake. Some purge afterward. They usually lose weight sufficiently that people will begin to notice. At first they are praised for being so ‘beach body ready’ and later on when they begin to grow hair on their skin as an extreme response to starvation they are made fun of. Anorexics have the highest risk of dying due to the lower rates of a ‘cure’ and they are often hospitalized.

Bulimia is characterized by bingeing and purging or even simply throwing up after eating. Typically a bulimic has many of the attributes of an anorexic and may starve themselves also or be an anorexic who purges. Other times they may purge but not necessarily lose sufficient weight to be seen to be anorexic although health-wise they are at great risk because of the strain throwing up does to our heart. Combined with inadequate nutrition and the strain of throwing up typical side-effects include broken veins in the face and hands, digestive disease and scarring, tooth decay and stomach problems.

Many people with eating disorders are on a ‘spectrum’ that doesn’t fit the absolute diagnosis of one specific disease, they are considered to have an eating disorder and then it is characterized individually.

Over eaters / binge eaters – an eating disorder characterized by over-eating to cope with stress much like anorexia that is heightened by anxiety and stress. Over-eating can include periods of extreme denial and starvation, it can also include purging. Over-eating can cause fluctuations of weight that put pressure on vital organs, and also can be a very isolating disease with a higher risk for suicide for all types of eating disorders. Sufferers may also gain extreme amounts of weight and suffer the judgement and ridicule that many over-weight or large people suffer because of our societies obsession with lower weights and their stigmatization of ‘fat’

Working out – Sometimes people who work out to lose weight or become fit can become obsessed with it. Whilst not always connected to an eating disorder, this can relate closely to body dysmorphia and shares the ‘control’ factor crucial in all eating and body disorders because it is thought, they all seek to control their surroundings because they do not feel they are in control in other ways.

Body dysmorphia is not an eating disorder but it can lead to, cause or exacerbate an eating disorder. Body dysmorphia is the incorrect transmission of an image of oneself. You can see a photograph, a mirror reflection, a film, of your body and you will not see your body the way others do.

How is that possible?

I have no idea. It seems absolutely impossible. I would NEVER believe it IF I had not A. Experienced it directly and personally B. Known so many others who did C. Professionally worked with many who did. Just like those who are not raped cannot always understand how life-changing rape can be, we seem to struggle to empathize and understand unless we have directly experienced it, which is sad.

To some extent it seems like a delusional disorder, or type of madness. I mean if you think you look a certain way but do not, how can you see yourself physically that way? And yet you do.

People suffering from any of the above, often have other conditions such as anxiety, low self-esteem, they may be survivors of sexual abuse, they may have been raped, they may be being bullied. Depression Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar are other co-morbid conditions that often occur simultaneously. The secretive life of someone with this can be so secretive nobody ever knows they suffered.

Any type of eating disorder is pretty hard to ‘cure’ it was once thought Anorexia could never be cured it could be lived with. Nowadays anorexics and others, have access to treatment if they have the money for the often expensive treatment centers or if they are insured. Treatment can include hypnosis, group therapy, aversion and its opposite ‘exposure’ therapy, cognitive-behavioral and many other methods. Nobody knows the exact ‘cure’ rate but many go on to live healthy lives.

Then again like any addiction or disease, it is possible to switch one for the other. When someone who was say, formerly bulimic is ‘cured’ they may simply take their need for control and place it elsewhere. They may become obsessive-compulsive, they may generate more anxiety, they may take up smoking. It is important to look closely at this because some of the alternatives are as if not more dangerous.

Please note, this is the first time I have ever talked about my own experience in relation to eating disorders or body dysmorphia and my teeth are clenched because it’s like standing naked in public and goes against a history of being expert at hiding these things when they existed.

In my own case, I met a girl I thought was so beautiful around 14 years of age, she was bulimic and anorexic. I recall clearly that I wanted to be like her so I copied her, stupid, immature, but that’s what I did. At first it didn’t mean anything I was just copying her, until my grandmother said one day that I was thick around the waist and would never look good in 1950’s dresses (I was 14) and in the same week my dad told me I was ‘chunky’. Sometimes words have no effect, other times they do. When you are already insecure, and have had a rotten time, sometimes they have too much of an effect and it doesn’t go away.

My friend and I had a secret group where we would binge, purge, starve. Eventually we stuck with starving because we felt badly for wasting food. At 16 a gym teacher said I needed to drop a few pounds, a dance teacher said the same thing and so I entered the world of starving for the sport, which many can relate to. At 17 I began swimming four times a week and during this time of a year, I didn’t starve myself, I was simply too hungry to! It felt great, I was free of the demon.

Except that’s never what happens. The reason we know such things are mental disorders is because they are inherited (children of anorexics have a higher risk) they exist irrespective of culture or income (yes, Hispanics and Blacks have eating disorders too, they were just ignored by the main-stream who believed it to be an Anglo middle-class disease, likewise with boys and men) and it’s usually deeply hidden and never talked about and is a form of delusion-disorder, you SEE things that are NOT there. IE: You are skinny and you see fat.

I can remember being in a dance class and watching all the tan girls in their leotards with their long legs and necks, so graceful and then looking down and seeing my inner thighs all flabby and squishy. It wasn’t true, they weren’t, but that is what I SAW. I remember being at a dinner party and suddenly running to the bathroom and throwing up everything I ate, and covering it expertly with a breath mint, nobody knew and it seemed like a super-power, in fact it was a sickness, an invisible and terribly destructive sickness invading my every thought.

At 18 after my boyfriend had left me, the old demon returned (a need to control) and I began to throw up whenever I ate until I was a dangerous weight. Few people knew, including my parents because I was excellent at hiding things related to my eating disorder. I went to college and in that first year it was the worst it was ever. I realized I was going out of my mind and it controlled me completely, I sought help. I went to a therapist about it and how it related to being abused as a child and other things that had happened in my life. This helped.

The main ‘cure’ of my eating disorder though was not what the magazines would like me to say. It wasn’t that I saw the light, I got better, I’m a shining example. Oh no.

I was ‘cured’ because I was in a relationship and I had nowhere to purge, or throw up after eating and I couldn’t not eat because I lived with four people and they would have noticed. there was only one bathroom, the house was small the walls paper-thin. After a while I realized I just couldn’t hide my disorder and as I was also sharing my bed and happy in my relationship I stopped.

That seems a pretty pathetic reason huh? I thought so.

It also wasn’t true, it was another layer of the delusion.That’s like an alcoholic not drinking in public, doesn’t mean they are not an alcoholic. People say, if it’s a disease you cannot control it, but who said that? Of course you can! You think you can anyway, but really it controls you. When I was alone, even for one night, I would stuff things in my mouth until I nearly burst and then throw up, or I would eat absolutely nothing or I would stare at myself and see something hideous. I didn’t and couldn’t talk about it because we all know what others would say. You are vain. You are shallow. You are pathetic. You cause this. You waste food. You deserve what you get. But it wasn’t vanity it was self-hatred and self-loathing, a desire to be that eight year old again, free of everything. I didn’t know why, I didn’t connect it to sexual abuse and other things that so often are the triggers and markers for at-risk youth to develop eating disorders.

But years later when I was single again I began to starve off and on. I saw that the ONLY thing keeping me from having a full-blown eating disorder again was circumstance! I wasn’t cured at all! I was simply living with the secrecy like a double-agent, patting myself on the back for my success when really it was underneath the surface controlling me. For someone who was so open and honest I was a huge liar, nobody knew, and the more they didn’t know, the more I couldn’t say.

HOW can we have so much control that if we live with someone else it may help and if we are alone we immediately fall back to it? How serious and real can it be then? I think it’s very serious and very real, imagine looking in the mirror and seeing someone who isn’t there! I still do. I cannot see the ‘real’ me in the mirror but what I try to do is surround myself with people who eat healthily but normally, and ensure that I don’t let ‘the voices’ lure me back into bad habits.

I have slipped a few times, notably in times of high stress. I realize for some it is impossible to live with the disease relatively well, for some they are so sick they really do benefit from more intensive treatment and/or hospitalization. I was never as sick as some of the girls (and one boy) whom I knew with eating disorders but that doesn’t mean I was well either. After a very serious bad experience I fell back into starving myself the denial felt redemptive, in my twenties I felt I was far too old to be doing this, and yet I was (many anorexics are over forty, everyone assumes they are 18, the age-bias means many do not ever get treatment). That year I went to visit school friends back in Europe, they all told me how unhealthy I looked, how I had no chest, no flesh, and I felt like I lived with a chimera inside of me, dictating this awful tendency to reduce everything to controlling how much I ate.

In our society if we perceive a disease to be ‘chosen’ or ‘self-selected’ and the person had a choice, then we blame the person who has that disease. We say “I’m not going to understand this disease or empathize because I blame you for causing it, therefore it’s not like a disease you didn’t cause.” What we fail to understand is, while we judge, we judge a far wider number of people who witness that judgement and thus, never seek help, we also instill a sense in the disease-sufferer that their disease is a choice, a bad habit, and their fault. In other words we compound the problem all because we condemn people for something we don’t understand. How many times have you heard someone say; “Those damn anorexic models I have no sympathy for them” We believe that kind of illness is essentially a weakness of character or worse, enviable and thus, we resent them. Would we say that if someone disclosed they had ovarian cancer?

I use my own example because I have NEVER publically talked about having an eating disorder before. I would say it’s a lot like being an alcoholic, you are ALWAYS an alcoholic just like you are always someone with a potential for eating disorders. I did go down the road of Orthorexia and left to my own devices would be merrily heading down it now (except it’s not merry, it’s ridiculous and it’s crazy) and equally I still have body dysmorphia. I can only believe that by admitting this as I have here, I encourage others to get treatment. I personally found therapy very helpful and the other thing that helped was ensuring I took the right vitamins and minerals to balance myself and become less unhinged which I was exacerbating by poor nutrition. It is a vicious circle.

It is very hard for me to recount this, I have tried to delete this several times, feeling that if it gets ‘out there’ I will lose control and I realize, that’s what I have to do and what we all have to do if we experience these feelings. For a long time I could not hang out with people with eating disorders, they triggered me. I am such an independent person ask anyone but when it comes to eating I’m not at all I’m a complete follower and that baffles me. I still struggle to eat when I’m alone or at dinner parties, there are things I will always have and need to always remind myself I have, to face them and not deny them, because then they win.

The grand irony is, I have always been genetically thin, so even if I never had this, I would have been picked on for being underweight, and that’s the farce of it, you can look any way and nobody really knows what’s going on for you, they accuse you of being anorexic when you’re not, and commend you for having a good figure when you’re starving yourself, the mixed-messages of our society increase our propensity to be sick. For some they are genetically wired to not respond to those triggers, whilst others are genetically engineered to respond to them, recent studies show there is a definitive link between DNA and the development of any type of eating disorder. Therefore it’s not all in your head and it is all in your head. But for years we were told it was the spoilt princess syndrome, would that make anyone want to admit it?

It is a form of madness I am certain of it, and as such it belongs in the mental health category almost more than anything else. Society does not help, the continual bombardment of thin bodies really doesn’t help. I have been told I was thin my entire life, and I realize, thin doesn’t even MATTER it’s not IMPORTANT and I don’t even find really thin women attractive! Sometimes it’s not about wanting to be thin, in my case it never was, it was about seeking control and having a really bad relationship with food that was very love-hate. Personally I think bigger women are far more beautiful, proof that an eating disorder or body dysmorphia is not always about weight or thinness, although for some it is.

I had a fear of letting go of being a child, of growing up, of intimacy, of body-shame due to sexual abuse, of self-hate due to low-self-esteem. Those were my triggers, those were my things that led me to develop eating and body disorders. For others it may be the same or different. The thing we all share is a need to control what we feel we do not control – a feeling of being out of control. Sometimes people cut themselves, sometimes people do drugs, sometimes people control what they eat. Equally, if you do not see yourself accurately in the mirror this can be a manifestation of self-hate that was inculcated or indoctrinated and it can lead to a skewed self-image which is at the root of body dysmorphia.

I feel an intense embarrassment and shame at admitting this about myself. I know when I press ‘publish’ I will immediately regret this. And that’s why I’m doing it, because it’s time. Time to end the shame. If you read this and think I’m another white-middle-class-whiner who invents a disease, good day to you, but for those of you who ‘get’ what I’m saying here, I say to you, let’s talk about it, let’s get the monster out of the closet and get to the bottom of it, because the one thing that we hate most of all is admitting it and coming clean, that’s what we avoid at any cost, and that’s exactly why we must.

I’m sorry this is all about me, it was the only way I could find to truthfully tell the story.

 

Mental Health Month “Separating Depressive symptoms from realistic opinions on humanity”

That’s a long title isn’t it? What does it mean?

Philosophers have long quipped that (wo)man’s search for meaning often consists of some degree of navel-gazing and introspection as well as consideration of the greater-meaning of life, including what is positive, negative, realistic and objective versus subjective.

The nuances of each of those, are complex within themselves, can we ever just give a straight and easy answer? Probably not. And because of that, it’s not easy to simply say, someone who has depressive symptoms is not equally influenced by, their world-view which is not always ‘tainted’ by the depression.

In other words, you may be depressed but even if you were not, you may naturally hold or possess some perspectives that could be considered more on the scale of depression than say, the reverse. In other words (lost yet?!) some of our personality is shaped by how we view the world and this can shape how mental illness influences and impacts us.

See it mathematically. If Subject A has a negative world view and also gets depression, which came first, the chicken (world view) or the egg (depression)?

Equally, if Subject A has a realistic world view and also gets depression does that mean being realistic can lead to more likelihood of depression than being say, optimistic?

The reason this matters is – many times those who depression are told the ‘cure’ lies in their perspective. Irrespective of any other considerations such as biological depression, DNA tendencies towards depression, situational depression, etc, the way they perceive the world influences the degree to which they experience depression.

This is true.

But doesn’t that translate into; It’s a choice. It is thus your choice if you do not ‘choose’ to avoid things that may exacerbate or fuel your depression.

This is also true.

So in effect am I supporting the idea depression is a choice and thus, someone’s ‘fault’ if they are depressed?

No.

But isn’t that a contradiction?

It’s not a contradiction because whilst we ARE responsible for what we do with our symptoms and how we perceive things and we know how we perceive things has a knock-on-effect, this is but one element of a larger picture. The larger picture is depression is not simply based upon our perspective of the world nor is our perspective the only cause or effect.

Additionally it is a misnomer to believe positive people never experience depression, negative people always experience depression and realistic people should be less realistic if they want to alleviate their depression symptoms. Whilst there is a relationship between personal perspective and outlook the two are not mutually exclusive, and play only one part in a more complex series of developments leading to depression. It also as stated in earlier posts, depends upon the degree of your depression, the type and the causal factors that vary from person to person, situation to situation.

THAT is why when the media talks about depression they get it so wrong, because they generalize! It’s like trying to talk for every person of color by lumping them all in together! Doesn’t work!

Typically positive thinking is beneficial. But sometimes if you push yourself to be more positive you end up becoming more depressed because you are being ingenious to how you really see the world and you are putting a guilt and pressure on yourself to be someone you are not. One side does not fit all. The way we see the world varies greatly and there is not universal ‘fix’ for depression and that includes positive thinking.

IF positive thinking helps you – emphasis it. IF realistic thinking helps you – go with that instead. For some being too positive feels ingenuous.

Negative thinking is natural but not terribly useful, we all know that. To deny it ever exists puts a lot of pressure upon us to avoid it, sometimes leading to anxiety and feelings of failure. Better to be realistic and admit, if you feel negative, work through it, try to see the other side, and re-balance yourself. Accept that sometimes no matter what you do you may not feel as positive as you would like and you may succumb to negativity for a while. Just so long as you know, there is nowhere to go but down with continual negativity.

That said, sometimes things happen that are negative and not admitting this can be almost like trying believe something you know is not true.

Realistic thinking means accepting bad things happen, not everything is good, you cannot be optimistic all the time and it’s okay if you are not.

Realistic thinking also means you balance the FACTS and you may at times seem negative whereupon you are actually being honest and realistic. Having lived in societies where this was du rigor I was used to that, but moving to America I noticed an emphasis on positive thinking and almost a SHAMING of those who were either realistic or negative. In my humble estimate this may play a part in the increase of depression.

If you live in a society that is intolerant of realistic or negative thinking at almost any cost, and emphasizes and highlights positive thinking you may feel there is something very wrong with you if you do not share that perspective.

I would argue, there is nothing wrong with you and realism should be your first point of call because you are being honest. Lying to yourself either by being too negative or conversely too positive, can have unintended consequences, and whilst aiming high and being positive has its benefits, it does not apply to everyone in every situation.

Case in point, kids today are all given high grades because nobody is allowed to fail. Yet as we know, failure teaches us some valuable lessons. We can take things to extremes and miss the truth of a situation by trying to avoid anything that doesn’t feel ‘good’ yet we learn just as much by trial and error as by positive affirmation and encouragement.

Balance is all.

Next time someone says you are a ‘Debbie Downer’ for being realistic, remind them of this.

Equally, be aware when your negativity sends you into a tail-spin and pull yourself out and re-balance to a more realistic perspective by writing out a list of how you feel versus what you know to be the truth. The key is to try to get how you feel as close to the truth as possible.

Example:

Truth – I am not a loser.

Feeling – I feel like a loser.

Outcome – We can feel like something but without proof it is true, and with evidence to the contrary, this is a feeling stemming from low-self-esteem and maybe an off mood, that can be remedied by realizing how we feel is not always what we are. Equally, define ‘loser’ and critique the ‘need’ to be more than we feel we are.

Living in today’s world with knowledge of history and current events, it’s hard not to at times feel despairing, afraid, frustrated, beyond hope, etc. That is REALISTIC. When we let that bring us down to the abyss that is when negativity has us by the throat. When we dismiss it and look to only enjoy life, that may be dismissing the truth. Sometimes we do have a responsibility to be truthful EVEN if we are going to consider things that do not make us happy. Living hedonistically without care to the world, isn’t realistic, isn’t an answer to depression and does mean we are denying our responsibility to the world at large.

For someone who suffers from depression it can be a natural desire to ‘self-comfort’ by avoiding hard things. Who can blame anyone who has been depressed from wishing to avoid hard things? To ‘not go there’ anymore? But that’s taking things to an extreme. We all must face hard things, in doing so, we learn we can cope, and we also contribute and make things better for others. Running away from that, doesn’t help us evolve and learn coping methods and it means eventually it will catch up with us. Next time you want to run away from something hard, this is worthwhile considering, as a practice run whereby you learn you can handle more than you realize and help others in the process.

Mental Health Month “the stigma-ism’s”

You can get rid of mental illness by …

believing in God more

working harder

socializing more

going to the gym regularly

quitting bad habits and making good ones

replacing negativity for positive thinking

sucking it up

reducing how often you ruminate

and so the list goes on

The problem with all of the above, whilst absolutely good habits for most of us (bar sucking it up) are, they imply therefore, the sufferer of mental illness is not doing enough to help themselves and ultimately they leave the after taste of judgement.

So how do you strike a balance between helping someone or seeking to help someone with a mental illness and coming across like ‘if only you did this, you would be well’ and thus, not understanding mental illness isn’t a lamp, it doesn’t get switched on and off easily, mental illness isn’t a fad (though it isn’t always life-long either) and (some) mental illness isn’t easy to dismiss with will power alone.

Why do we judge?

Why do we stigmatize?

Have you ever thought about that? What is within most of us that causes us to judge others?

If you really think you have NEVER judged someone unfairly or harshly award yourself the “unlikely” prize!

If you really think you have a right to judge someone else regularly, it’s probably best to stop reading now.

Judging has its place. If someone kills your entire family in front of you, chances are at some point you will judge them and find them guilty. Those who have lost family members to these examples of violence, typically say they have to forgive the perpetrator to some extent to prevent it consuming them, or they have to work through the hate and get to a better place. It is not ‘necessary’ to try to understand why someone would do something so evil, but usually in our effort to understand, our first port of call is judgement.

Why did you do this wrong thing? Why are you the way you are? What is wrong with you?

In the case of the murderer of an entire family I doubt many of us would have an issue with their being judged. That’s where judgement comes in handy. Law and order. Justice.

But what about every day life? Why do we go around judging things all the time thinking we are the judge and jury and even executioner (figuratively speaking) what is it about human beings that makes them relish judging or attracted to judging others?

Is it as simple as being insecure? Putting someone lower than ourselves helps us feel better in a twisted way?

Is it as simple as egocentricism? I know I’m right, therefore if you do the opposite of what I believe, you are wrong?

Is it blind faith? This is my faith and belief, anything you do to contradict it or throw it into doubt, means I will turn on you and condemn you.

Is it a knee-jerk reaction out of not understanding? Condemning what we do not understand?

Is it fear? Fearing we are more alike this person whom we judge than not, and thus, pushing them away by judging them, making it clear we are different so nobody will consider we are also guilty?

I don’t know the answers. What do you think?

What I do know is nobody likes being judged. Sometimes it’s useful or necessary in extreme cases like the one about the murderer, or in small incidences where we help someone learn or grow as a person – but this is more advice-giving than actual outright judgement. Outright judgement tends to have no benefit other than to shame that person. If they are guilty of rape, child abuse, murder, swindling, theft, I don’t have an issue with judging someone guilty and then giving them a consequence depending on the seriousness of the ‘crime’ that’s law and order, but in our society we judge continually in casual ways that we may believe have no lasting impact.

And yet … they often have a life long impact.

Cruelty goes hand in hand with judgement. Often the two are nearly indistinguishable. Mental health can be affected by bullying, judging, condemnation, shame, humiliation, etc. Ask yourself, do you feel judging will help anyone? Will it make anything better? Or is it just your desire?

Ever heard the phrase, you can think it but don’t say it? Sure you have. I’m one who is all for the truth, I would rather someone said something to my face than thought it and kept it quiet, but I’m in the minority, most people seem content to be ignorant of the truth of what someone thinks of them, preferring that they not share the negative assessments/judgements they may have.

Next time you find yourself tempted to say something judging, ask yourself, are you judging because you want to make something better and will that judgement achieve that goal? Or are you judging because YOU CAN AND YOU WANT TO.

Then put yourself in the shoes of the person you are judging.

Sometimes its soooo tempting to want to bring someone down a peg or two. You’ve all met one of those, the people with huge inflated egos who boast and seem unbreakable. Haven’t you been tempted to give them a piece of your mind? Or dent their parachute? At the same time do you really know the egocentrism they display is real? Could it be an elaborate construct and underneath an insecure person hides?

If you have to judge, consider judging those who judge others. If there is anyone ‘deserving’ of being judged it is someone who does it for a living. Next time you hear someone being torn apart, defend them, stand up for them, shame the judger. That’s the best way to use our proclivity for judging, for the benefit of the underdog and others who are picked apart.

Words stay forever. You only have to be told once that you are ugly, worthless, a failure, stupid, to believe it. If that seems weak, look at a childs face when they’re told that by a parent or someone who matters.

Mental Health Month “Rape”

Rape isn’t a subject people talk about very often. Sadly it’s a subject people joke about quite a bit.

The first time I heard a rape-joke I didn’t get it. It was too disgusting to ‘get’ and I am glad I didn’t. Everyone else did though and they all laughed. At the time I didn’t think how someone sitting there who had been raped would feel, but statistics tell us, that likelihood is quite high considering that 80 percent of rape goes unreported and even the reported numbers are staggering.

How a rape joke could hope to be funny, baffles me, but it maybe is more telling of our society as a whole, that we can laugh at true misfortune and tragedy. That’s not gallows humor, that’s just sick.

Rape is never funny. Rape is never something that doesn’t matter. Perhaps if we acted like it mattered more, those who were rape survivors would not be more subject to a plethora of mental illness.

That’s why rape is a subject this Mental Health Month. Because the link between rape and mental illness exists. Rape can among other things, be a cause or contributing cause or exacerbation of; PTSD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Depression, Phobias, Suicidality and Suicide, Cutting/Self-Harm and many other conditions.

We’ve talked in earlier posts about how that doesn’t diminish the very real and medical ‘illness’ of mental disorders, and just because an act pushes someone toward feeling a certain way, does not decrease the legitimacy of the illness part of any mental disease. Illness can and is caused by trauma, and there are few things more traumatic to a girl or woman (or boy or man) than rape.

Perhaps though there is one thing worse and that is not being believed, or the act of rape being diminished or ignored.

I hope most of you have watched The Hunting Ground, a documentary on Campus rapes here in America, but if you have not yet, and you have children, know college age kids, or people who work on campuses, it is compulsory viewing not to be missed.

Ultimately the numbers of rapes committed in any situation are underreported, under prosecuted, and not punished. Some judges do not believe a rapist should go to jail. It is often said ‘but he’s such a good boy and he has his entire life ahead of him’ and this stands as a perfectly reasonable explanation for not giving a rapist a harsher sentence.

The other big let-down as far as rape in the legal system goes, is that rape has a statute of limitations and thus, if five years pass and you do not report your rape you are not protected under the law anymore and cannot prosecute your rapist. This is not true for many other crimes including murder, and financial embezzlement. In other words, you can prosecute someone for stealing from you years later, but you cannot prosecute someone for raping you after a certain time period. Great message you’re giving the survivor!

In the interest of fairness, it should be pointed out this exists because the likelihood of having proof after five years is diminished and it is to protect those falsely accused many years later. But that relies upon a significant swath of false accusations and assumes that proof must exist to punish a rape rather than taking the word of the survivor. Therein lies the rub. It is a difficult subject to prosecute when it’s one person’s word against another and historically women have not been believed over men who were upstanding and respected in the community. So if you’re a prostitute and you are raped by a politician, don’t expect anyone to believe you.

Maybe we cannot do enough about this to change it entirely, but speeding up the rate of prosecution cases, ensuring all rape kits are tested (when so many lie untested due to lack of funding) ensuring the survivors are not ‘blamed’ during their legal ordeal, and educating everyone about the low figures of false reporting, may make some difference.

As with anything we can find examples of those who cried wolf, but that is literally true of anything human. It is singular to rape survivors that they are accused of ‘making it up’ as if everyone involved knows of 1000 x cases of liars who pretended they were raped for whatever gain. We should as we do with ‘innocent until proven guilty’ assume someone is likely to be telling the truth when they pluck up the courage and report being raped. If nothing else, something is wrong.

No more so than on campuses across America today, where so many young people are raped and do not report it knowing it will not go anywhere, or do report it and find those who raped them are not penalized sufficiently because they are a star football player. This inequality of punishment needs to be eliminated because what you are effectively saying is, you are not worth as much as the rapist or we do not believe your rape mattered enough to punish this person.

Sometimes I have heard people say ‘she’s too ugly to be raped she must be lying’ and awful things like that. I had one person told by a police officer that because she admitted she was gay, she had obviously chosen to ‘try the other side’ for the night when she was dragged along the street at night and raped by a stranger in an abandoned warehouse. Sure. She wanted it.

Seeing why people who survive rape, are at high risk for some kind of short-term mental illness or at high risk for exacerbating a pre-existing one, is obvious when you look at the details of what someone really goes through. The aftermath of rape is nearly always the worst part. We need to bring our ability to empathize and our compassion to the table and treat all rape cries seriously.

I have worked in two Rape Crisis Centers and the second one I worked in, only prosecuted a handful of cases via the authorities, due to the enormous back-log of DNA testing (rape kits) and the desire of the authorities to plea deal rather than prosecute. Let us not forget a plea deal is often a free pass for a rapist and his offense is often knocked down to a smaller crime that will not indicate to someone looking at his record, that he is a serial rapist. Typically those who rape do so again and again, so if we do not incarcerate them, reeducate them and rehabilitate them if possible they will go out and do it again.

Likewise those who are beyond our help are still let out onto the streets along with paedophiles whom they know will re-offend it’s just a matter of time. How does this happen? How can we justify this?

For those survivors who tell others that they were raped, it is on our shoulders to be as supportive and gentle as possible with someone who confides in us. So often rape is a subject of humor and fun making and there is literally, nothing funny about rape.SAAMP2017 (SM)7

https://merrildsmith.wordpress.com/

https://www.rainn.org/

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: 800-656-HOPE

How to respond to a survivor: https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-respond-survivor

 

Mental Health Month “If you weren’t so lazy!”

We’ve all heard the mom of a teen accuse them of being lazy. If you just did more, you could accomplish xyz.

For a teen who prefers bed to getting up going to school it’s not a big deal. When it’s a depressed person or anxious person who is told this, it’s tantamount to character assassination but how can we tell the difference between laziness and the inertia that is one of the side-effects of prolonged depression?

Laziness is where you don’t want to do something enough to do it.

Inertia is where you may wish to do something but cannot summon what it takes to do it.

And if you are able to get up and do something, then does that mean you’re lazy when you cannot? If you have the strength to achieve one day but not the next, is that saying something about your will power?

With the best will in the world anyone who has had anxiety/depression or some other mental illnesses, will attest, they’d like nothing better than to wake up feeling like they want to go jogging with their friends along the river side, or take a boat ride out on the lake, or read a book they’ve been dying to read, or start fixing up that DIY home-project of replacing the windows.

A lazy person chooses not to do these things, they may not even want to and prefer to have someone else do them.

It isn’t a choice if you simply cannot do it despite every desire to.

But surely if you put more effort in?

The impact those kinds of statements can have is dangerous. What’s the implication? Someone who doesn’t (fill in the blank) is not pushing themselves, making enough effort. Bottom line – failure.

If you are feeling depressed or anxious, chances are you are quite aware already of how disappointing it is, not to be able to do what you want to do. Being reminded of it, doesn’t motivate a person. It is not the same as pulling the teen out of bed because they are sleeping in and wasting the day, and we do a disservice to those who are depressed by thinking they can snap out of it ‘if only they do this’

But like anything it’s a fine line, because on the other hand, allowing someone we care about to be depressed and ‘wallow’ is not the answer either. Numerous studies attest to the benefits of not locking yourself away from others, avoiding the world and stimulation, when depressed. It may feel bad to get out and do things but guaranteed, it is worse to stay home and dwell. The distinction is in how we use language, avoiding blame phrases to ensure we’re not condemning someone inadvertently.

Depression like any disease can lead people to feel ‘half-alive’ and the last thing you want to do when you are half alive is go swimming or BBQ or socialize. Sometimes if it’s really bad there is nothing for it but call in a mental health day and spend it doing something comforting, hoping the crisis will pass. But if you find yourself in a rut, the loathed things may be the very things you do need to try to do.

If someone in your life makes you feel badly for not ‘trying hard enough’ explain to them depression is a consistent effort, of trying to do things others don’t even have to try to do. Help them understand the analogy of trying to push a bolder up a hill single-handed each and every day. Then next time they imply you’re just too lazy, maybe they’ll catch themselves.

Equally, take responsibility, if history proves that getting out even if it seems impossible, may be beneficial in some ways if only to get your blood flowing, try your hardest to make it happen and if you cannot do it today, aim for tomorrow. Never give up.

If the people who are in the lives of those suffering from depression and anxiety stand in solidarity and do not give up on them, there will be less feelings of hopelessness and isolation. Patience really can be a virtue, as well as considering that how and when we say things impacts a vulnerable person far more than we might be aware of.

Lastly, if you’re not able to move from the sofa today, don’t berate yourself, you tried, you did your best for today and tomorrow you’ll try again. If you see life as a series of efforts, you will soon see that some of those efforts pay off and you do keep moving, maybe at your own pace but nonetheless a pace. Don’t try to be like others who are not going through what you are going through, it doesn’t mean you are less than it means you are listening to yourself and your needs and being realistic about things. Motivating yourself as much as you can does work, but holding yourself to impossible standards, usually sets up feelings of failure.

We live in a society that reveres being ‘too busy’ and condemns ‘not being busy enough’ but if we see this as shallow advice and find a balance that works for us, instead of guilting ourselves over not being enough we can stop and appreciate our own rhythm. We are after all supposed to be living, not just running through life. Finding our own pace and avoiding the stigma of being judged for being at a different pace, means less guilt all round.

Mental Health Month “You have everything going for you! Why are you still sad?”

One of the most common issues with people suffering from a mental illness that produces depression of some kind (and many do, as well as many diseases whose byproduct can be depression, such as Parkinson’s Disease) is; My life is good, I know that, and everyone else knows it and often they ask me – you have everything going for you, Why are you still sad?

Does the problem seem obvious?

And yet … given how many people are routinely told this BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM there is some disconnect.

Why?

I will tell you, someone I was close to used to say this all the time about ‘other’ depressed people but never myself. It became obvious if I were not me, they would be saying it about me, and not saying it, doesn’t mean not thinking it. The rush to judgement expressed by those looking in from the outside can be as damming as any mental illness symptom. It can leave you feeling worthless, ungrateful, evil, wrong-headed, greedy and crazy.

But ask yourself this …

If depression were cured by ‘having everything’ many people who are depressed would not be depressed. After all, whilst we know certain economic factors can exacerbate depression (money worries, chronic health issues, chronic poverty) there is nothing to say the rich suffer less than the poor. But if the commonly held belief that ‘having everything’ should prevent depression why is anyone with a good life depressed?

Quite simply because depression doesn’t owe its existence to circumstance. Circumstance can trigger, evoke, worsen, any mental illness (or physical one for that matter) but it doesn’t always cause it. Again, we have to be mindful that there are varying degrees for everything. You can be temporarily depressed about the loss of a job, you can be medium-term depressed about the loss of a parent, or you can be Dysthymic meaning you have long-term-unremitting depression. Otherwise known as Clinical Depression.

Assuming depression or other mental illness, is not fleeting and circumstance based, then it’s fair to assume, circumstance would have little effect on its ‘cure’

That’s like saying I got cancer from smoking if I quit my cancer will go into remission. Not so easy.

Most people don’t ‘get’ depression, most people develop depression over time, for a multitude of reasons and non-reasons. It doesn’t occur over-night (except in the circumstantial kind) but it can rear its ugly head over night once established. Hence why depressed people are often considered ‘flaky’ because with the best will in the world, the next day you just can’t.

So … why are you still sad? Because if you could do anything to stop being you would and you probably have (done nearly everything) and (clearly) it hasn’t worked sufficiently to ‘cure’ what ails you and turn you into Pippi Longstocking.

Next time someone effectively accuses you of ‘not being happy enough’ (read: Not grateful enough) for your ‘wonderful life’ remind them, depression is not a choice, anxiety is not a choice, doing yoga and appreciating a tree is not going to turn you into a different person over night.

That doesn’t mean change cannot be a positive thing – it goes almost without saying that we know certain life-choices make HUGE impacts on depression/anxiety et al. I could fill a blog JUST on those choices and that’s why I’m not, because there are tons of blogs out there, just google ‘how to cure depression’ and you will find them.

But after you have done all that IF you still feel the way you did before or some semblance of it, do not let others bring you down further by feeling you are an ingrate.

An ingrate is someone who has a fabulous life and doesn’t appreciate it.

A depressed person is someone who (might have a fabulous) life and is unable to fully appreciate it because of their mental illness (but boy do they try!)

Keep trying! One step at a time. We break the stigma by sharing our voices.

Between

ring1Good day then

fais de beaux rêves

between the spectacle

shut your eyes tight

always keep them open

conviction

affliction

conducting weather veins

bristling they ebb

pointing into heavens

would they could talk

up there up there

they look and mock our drama

what we believe ourselves to be

quietly observant at the pew

head down knees knocking

Forgive me Father for I have sinned

the day I turned on others and rubbed in

the same welt

gory and open for flies

to lay their magnitude

little children

little liars

come hold hands by the roses

learn a thorn can prick but words are mightier

wielding penchant for harm

like a crystal ball

hear the soft foot fall of night

clothe us in redeeming disguise

fingers behind our backs twix crossed

one for ourselves, one for luck

nothing left to add to the stew

all poison all venom all malice is

but easy fitting shoes on lusty urge

stay your hand my girl

spend time among the rich of heart

they hold less in their pockets

more in their eyes

as first rays of morning

broker subsuming clouds

of darkness

breaking past

releasing

light

Female friendship

Before I answer the question of what I value most in friendship let me make a few points about the nature of female based friendships that I have noticed.

Madonna wasn’t wrong to say women hate other women. She wasn’t wrong to say the greatest pain in her life has been betrayal by her own gender, or that Hillary Clinton’s defeat (I wouldn’t have wished her to win anymore than the man who did) was in part owing to women hating other women. She also said that as a woman if you make a mistake you pay a higher price, and other women are the first to turn on you.

Madonna said the way she survived was to believe in herself, without this she would have not been able to. My entire life I have struggled with self-belief and confidence, mostly for the obvious reasons (highly critical family, no emotional support, lots of negatives blah blah) and much as I’m of an age where childhood things should NOT still influence me today, they do.

I’ve been lucky enough to be blessed with some wonderful friendships throughout my life. Equally male and female though most of my closest have been with women. Yes I’m a feminist but no man hater, and yes I find it hard being a feminist when so much of the bad things that happen to women are sanctioned or caused by other women. Have I envied men and their simpler lives? Hell yeah. They seem to be more trustworthy as friends, more stable emotionally and more loyal (in friendships) and they play fewer games. That’s my take on things thus far.

Whether you hate or love Madonna she has a point. We screw ourselves.

Many women I talk to say the same thing, “I don’t have many female friends” and when explaining why they point to games, bad experiences and competition as leading causes.

As a woman who believes in championing other women for no other reason than because I believe it helps them, I am dismayed that there is truth to this trait of not being able to lean upon other women as much as we should be able to.

The friend who told me to go to hell the other week, she wasn’t a real friend, more of an acquaintance, but one whom foolishly I had told a few of my vulnerabilities to. Thinking that she would never use them against me as I would never dream of doing this to someone else. She did use them against me, stating “the reason you have lost so many friends is your fault it’s something in YOU” This was said deliberately to undermine my faith in my ability to have good friendships. Briefly it worked. Then I realized that all of what she said came from her own sadness and insecurity and jealousy. Despite knowing this I felt sad that anyone would attempt to treat another person this way.

Call me naive but I believe in treating people well. It is true I have had a few lost and broken friendships along the way like most of us. The woman in question implied my quota was beyond ‘normal’ and it is this stigmatizing and finger-pointing that erodes female’s faith in themselves (this can apply to all genders actually and does). I know she didn’t even mean what she said as days before she was showering me with over-the-top praise, so this was more a mercurial lashing-out as much about her as about anything else.

Despite this the harm was done and whilst I can rationalize it, feel sorry for her and move on perhaps happier to know someone capable of that is no longer in my life, it lingers like a hang-nail in my subconscious. Just as she hoped it would.

That level of deliberate infliction of hurt, is something I have noticed women do especially well, hence the term ‘a woman scorned’ is the most fierce. In the instance of this situation, the girl may have had emotional reasons for her over-reaction, and as I look at all my ‘lost’ friendships they have that in common.

A friend told me shortly after it happened, that I needed to trust my gut more. I couldn’t agree more strongly on this. I had a gut instinct this person was messed up emotionally and being someone who believes in giving second-chances and caring about those who are not always neatly well and normal, I ignored that and the possibility she’d eventually turn it on me. Unfortunately as with the other two women who did similar things, mental problems can turn on those who are caring. It is the price an empathic person pays for not putting up guards or protecting themselves.

That said, I would not wish to stop caring about those people because at times I need help and am not always in perfect shape and I would hate to think someone would side-step me on that basis. So how to care for someone without being burned? Listening to your gut is crucial. I felt in my gut she was playing games and I dismissed that. In hindsight I should have walked away. Cold? Maybe? Self-preserving? You betcha.

I have learned from this. I feel glad to have learned from this. I have turned it into a positive and I feel a relief for the toxic removal of someone who wishes to hurt others. But how as women can we stop being this way? I would say that we need to stop competing with each other. Stop treating every other woman as a possible rival, stop thinking someone who is prettier, richer, more intelligent, etc, is someone we should resent and hate.

In my last job two women joined who were really beautiful. Immediately they were ignored and hated by the other women in the job. I see people as people, I liked them because they were nice people. Shortly afterward I heard rumors circulated that ‘Candy probably fancies them’ which was a pathetic way the haters explained why I was not intimidated or hateful to the new girls. I didn’t fancy them, any more than you fancy every single person you come into contact with, life doesn’t work that way, and it saddened me that this was the extent of their comprehension.

I don’t hate another woman for ANY reason. I dislike a woman if she is cruel or malicious. Other than that, I admire, appreciate and respect women. I truly believe if we all tried harder not to resent other women as females, we’d have a MUCH better world and some really terrific friendships. That does not obviate the value of men by any means, but we’re stronger TOGETHER and hate? Hate is always going to poison the hater the most. We ought to stop treating men as being ‘better’ than we are, or a valuable commodity and treat everyone equally. That means, if a woman you meet wants to be friends and you are suspicious, ask yourself why, rather than wondering why she would wish to be your friend.

So what do I value most in a friendship?

Honesty.

Integrity.

Loyalty.

Soap-box, over and out 😉