Final chance to submit to: “We will not be silenced” Anthology

Midnight, Monday 15th October is the deadline for submitting art/writing/poetry, this is an important, very timely project at a critical stage in history, your voices need to be heard! Previously published work you hold the copyright permissions on, are acceptable.

Please add your voice.

The story: Bruised But Not Broken, Whisper and the Roar, Indie Blu(e), and Blood Into Ink are joining forces to publish an anthology about the lived experience of sexual harassment and assault. We believe that it is more important than ever before that more voices speak out and reclaim their strength by owning their survival stories. All contributors, female and male, can submit up to three pieces of creative work- these can include; Poetry, Prose, Essay, Short Fiction, Prose, or original Artwork, but should be limited in length (under 1,000 words) considering that this is an anthology. You will be notified if your work is accepted. Please do not consider nonacceptance as any diminishment of your experience, but as with any publishing venture, we must try to fit the individual pieces together into a strong whole.

  • Submission of previously published pieces is acceptable if you still own the rights to your work.
  • Artwork can be submitted in black and white OR color but all artwork should be black and white compatible.
  • Using a pen name or publishing anonymously is acceptable.
  • All submissions should be sent to bloodintoink2017@gmail.com by midnight, Monday, October 15, 2018.

Writers and artists will retain the publishing rights to their individual submitted pieces. Indie Blu(e) will retain the rights to the collection We Will Not Be Silenced.

Pieces accepted for the Anthology may be used in whole or in part to promote the Anthology. All writers and artists will be appropriately credited in all promotional materials.

Should the royalties from sales of the Anthology exceed the costs of publishing and promoting the Collection, 70% of the royalties above these costs will be donated to organizations that support survivors of sexual harassment and sexual assault.

 

Move

travis-bozeman-396018-unsplashWhen you broke my heart

It wasn’t you who broke it

I had to give permission

All the days leading up to that fall

And the nightmares moving behind my eyes like greyscale film

In someways I’d always ended at this sharpened point

I did this to myself

It took that finality to break me apart

I held the chisel to ice

A distant memory of two people filled with joy

Was like a sore on my skin unable to heal

But I want to close my torn chest of its gape

Not see the stain of you separating me from the strength that comes from letting go

I know in time you won’t be a memory

Or even a regret

You’ll be the nothing I wish you’d always been

A cool blank space where all potential pain

Dissolves as salt on snow will leave barely trace

I don’t even wish you didn’t exist

I want to stop wishing for anything in your name

You’ve been a rot in my soul too long

It’s time to move on

Mental Health Month “You have everything going for you! Why are you still sad?”

One of the most common issues with people suffering from a mental illness that produces depression of some kind (and many do, as well as many diseases whose byproduct can be depression, such as Parkinson’s Disease) is; My life is good, I know that, and everyone else knows it and often they ask me – you have everything going for you, Why are you still sad?

Does the problem seem obvious?

And yet … given how many people are routinely told this BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM there is some disconnect.

Why?

I will tell you, someone I was close to used to say this all the time about ‘other’ depressed people but never myself. It became obvious if I were not me, they would be saying it about me, and not saying it, doesn’t mean not thinking it. The rush to judgement expressed by those looking in from the outside can be as damming as any mental illness symptom. It can leave you feeling worthless, ungrateful, evil, wrong-headed, greedy and crazy.

But ask yourself this …

If depression were cured by ‘having everything’ many people who are depressed would not be depressed. After all, whilst we know certain economic factors can exacerbate depression (money worries, chronic health issues, chronic poverty) there is nothing to say the rich suffer less than the poor. But if the commonly held belief that ‘having everything’ should prevent depression why is anyone with a good life depressed?

Quite simply because depression doesn’t owe its existence to circumstance. Circumstance can trigger, evoke, worsen, any mental illness (or physical one for that matter) but it doesn’t always cause it. Again, we have to be mindful that there are varying degrees for everything. You can be temporarily depressed about the loss of a job, you can be medium-term depressed about the loss of a parent, or you can be Dysthymic meaning you have long-term-unremitting depression. Otherwise known as Clinical Depression.

Assuming depression or other mental illness, is not fleeting and circumstance based, then it’s fair to assume, circumstance would have little effect on its ‘cure’

That’s like saying I got cancer from smoking if I quit my cancer will go into remission. Not so easy.

Most people don’t ‘get’ depression, most people develop depression over time, for a multitude of reasons and non-reasons. It doesn’t occur over-night (except in the circumstantial kind) but it can rear its ugly head over night once established. Hence why depressed people are often considered ‘flaky’ because with the best will in the world, the next day you just can’t.

So … why are you still sad? Because if you could do anything to stop being you would and you probably have (done nearly everything) and (clearly) it hasn’t worked sufficiently to ‘cure’ what ails you and turn you into Pippi Longstocking.

Next time someone effectively accuses you of ‘not being happy enough’ (read: Not grateful enough) for your ‘wonderful life’ remind them, depression is not a choice, anxiety is not a choice, doing yoga and appreciating a tree is not going to turn you into a different person over night.

That doesn’t mean change cannot be a positive thing – it goes almost without saying that we know certain life-choices make HUGE impacts on depression/anxiety et al. I could fill a blog JUST on those choices and that’s why I’m not, because there are tons of blogs out there, just google ‘how to cure depression’ and you will find them.

But after you have done all that IF you still feel the way you did before or some semblance of it, do not let others bring you down further by feeling you are an ingrate.

An ingrate is someone who has a fabulous life and doesn’t appreciate it.

A depressed person is someone who (might have a fabulous) life and is unable to fully appreciate it because of their mental illness (but boy do they try!)

Keep trying! One step at a time. We break the stigma by sharing our voices.

Between

ring1Good day then

fais de beaux rêves

between the spectacle

shut your eyes tight

always keep them open

conviction

affliction

conducting weather veins

bristling they ebb

pointing into heavens

would they could talk

up there up there

they look and mock our drama

what we believe ourselves to be

quietly observant at the pew

head down knees knocking

Forgive me Father for I have sinned

the day I turned on others and rubbed in

the same welt

gory and open for flies

to lay their magnitude

little children

little liars

come hold hands by the roses

learn a thorn can prick but words are mightier

wielding penchant for harm

like a crystal ball

hear the soft foot fall of night

clothe us in redeeming disguise

fingers behind our backs twix crossed

one for ourselves, one for luck

nothing left to add to the stew

all poison all venom all malice is

but easy fitting shoes on lusty urge

stay your hand my girl

spend time among the rich of heart

they hold less in their pockets

more in their eyes

as first rays of morning

broker subsuming clouds

of darkness

breaking past

releasing

light

Female friendship

Before I answer the question of what I value most in friendship let me make a few points about the nature of female based friendships that I have noticed.

Madonna wasn’t wrong to say women hate other women. She wasn’t wrong to say the greatest pain in her life has been betrayal by her own gender, or that Hillary Clinton’s defeat (I wouldn’t have wished her to win anymore than the man who did) was in part owing to women hating other women. She also said that as a woman if you make a mistake you pay a higher price, and other women are the first to turn on you.

Madonna said the way she survived was to believe in herself, without this she would have not been able to. My entire life I have struggled with self-belief and confidence, mostly for the obvious reasons (highly critical family, no emotional support, lots of negatives blah blah) and much as I’m of an age where childhood things should NOT still influence me today, they do.

I’ve been lucky enough to be blessed with some wonderful friendships throughout my life. Equally male and female though most of my closest have been with women. Yes I’m a feminist but no man hater, and yes I find it hard being a feminist when so much of the bad things that happen to women are sanctioned or caused by other women. Have I envied men and their simpler lives? Hell yeah. They seem to be more trustworthy as friends, more stable emotionally and more loyal (in friendships) and they play fewer games. That’s my take on things thus far.

Whether you hate or love Madonna she has a point. We screw ourselves.

Many women I talk to say the same thing, “I don’t have many female friends” and when explaining why they point to games, bad experiences and competition as leading causes.

As a woman who believes in championing other women for no other reason than because I believe it helps them, I am dismayed that there is truth to this trait of not being able to lean upon other women as much as we should be able to.

The friend who told me to go to hell the other week, she wasn’t a real friend, more of an acquaintance, but one whom foolishly I had told a few of my vulnerabilities to. Thinking that she would never use them against me as I would never dream of doing this to someone else. She did use them against me, stating “the reason you have lost so many friends is your fault it’s something in YOU” This was said deliberately to undermine my faith in my ability to have good friendships. Briefly it worked. Then I realized that all of what she said came from her own sadness and insecurity and jealousy. Despite knowing this I felt sad that anyone would attempt to treat another person this way.

Call me naive but I believe in treating people well. It is true I have had a few lost and broken friendships along the way like most of us. The woman in question implied my quota was beyond ‘normal’ and it is this stigmatizing and finger-pointing that erodes female’s faith in themselves (this can apply to all genders actually and does). I know she didn’t even mean what she said as days before she was showering me with over-the-top praise, so this was more a mercurial lashing-out as much about her as about anything else.

Despite this the harm was done and whilst I can rationalize it, feel sorry for her and move on perhaps happier to know someone capable of that is no longer in my life, it lingers like a hang-nail in my subconscious. Just as she hoped it would.

That level of deliberate infliction of hurt, is something I have noticed women do especially well, hence the term ‘a woman scorned’ is the most fierce. In the instance of this situation, the girl may have had emotional reasons for her over-reaction, and as I look at all my ‘lost’ friendships they have that in common.

A friend told me shortly after it happened, that I needed to trust my gut more. I couldn’t agree more strongly on this. I had a gut instinct this person was messed up emotionally and being someone who believes in giving second-chances and caring about those who are not always neatly well and normal, I ignored that and the possibility she’d eventually turn it on me. Unfortunately as with the other two women who did similar things, mental problems can turn on those who are caring. It is the price an empathic person pays for not putting up guards or protecting themselves.

That said, I would not wish to stop caring about those people because at times I need help and am not always in perfect shape and I would hate to think someone would side-step me on that basis. So how to care for someone without being burned? Listening to your gut is crucial. I felt in my gut she was playing games and I dismissed that. In hindsight I should have walked away. Cold? Maybe? Self-preserving? You betcha.

I have learned from this. I feel glad to have learned from this. I have turned it into a positive and I feel a relief for the toxic removal of someone who wishes to hurt others. But how as women can we stop being this way? I would say that we need to stop competing with each other. Stop treating every other woman as a possible rival, stop thinking someone who is prettier, richer, more intelligent, etc, is someone we should resent and hate.

In my last job two women joined who were really beautiful. Immediately they were ignored and hated by the other women in the job. I see people as people, I liked them because they were nice people. Shortly afterward I heard rumors circulated that ‘Candy probably fancies them’ which was a pathetic way the haters explained why I was not intimidated or hateful to the new girls. I didn’t fancy them, any more than you fancy every single person you come into contact with, life doesn’t work that way, and it saddened me that this was the extent of their comprehension.

I don’t hate another woman for ANY reason. I dislike a woman if she is cruel or malicious. Other than that, I admire, appreciate and respect women. I truly believe if we all tried harder not to resent other women as females, we’d have a MUCH better world and some really terrific friendships. That does not obviate the value of men by any means, but we’re stronger TOGETHER and hate? Hate is always going to poison the hater the most. We ought to stop treating men as being ‘better’ than we are, or a valuable commodity and treat everyone equally. That means, if a woman you meet wants to be friends and you are suspicious, ask yourself why, rather than wondering why she would wish to be your friend.

So what do I value most in a friendship?

Honesty.

Integrity.

Loyalty.

Soap-box, over and out 😉

Portraiture

f801918ca3883a4898de8530a0e88a98It is true if I could I would claim you through time

circle your coiled hair and patent smile

did the photographer pose

or you just know

how to swan your neck and hide your pain

in thrice mended sweater a size too small

our boiled wool and best kept stockings

sweating out youth

if now you lived I’d show you what came after

austerity and lit eyes of hazel

wishing into the future

is it better now? or then when

the greatest harm an unmarried pin

sticking your freedom to the quick

you laced yourself in and breathed out

coal dust and fisherman’s hands

chaffed and reddened by toil

ancestors enriching highland soil

would we have been friends?

my lack of Godhead your penchant

for John Bunion and his sermon

who can say? only the field mouse’

small and mauve in death

brought in by cat laid carefully by farm-house mat

beyond a sewing room where you cobbled looks from Paris

on muslin form, breathing life

I was clumsy and wide waisted in compare

climbing trees watching for the worm

as magpie attracted to beauty

is not capable of wearing his fine theft

he is a creature of the outdoors

looking in from cleft of oak

like I summon you through time

spend a moment here

lend me strength

show me how

you endured the fallow path and

hard winter of turning twenty

as light leaches from heathered hills

and tired men return for their supper

only the fair-headed girl lingers

until last golden arc presses against

violet hour and she too must

return her gaze to humbler pasture

Quiet sincerity

575d3e8450d2b93d9ae583716b569a05I learned

long after I should

friendship comes not

in fizz and pour

nor the brightness of

shower and radiance

nor promise and its papery craft of bows

but more often unexpected slow

hesitant over years

water leaving her tears on

marble rock

stalwart and less demonstrative

a cat who watches food put out

does not immediately approach

I fell for the fireworks

the hot kiss on lost ego

glittering words

feathered protests to believe

those party animals in their tinsel crowns

pushing me toward celebration

in those days I did not mind

the quiet soul who hung back

someone you could call upon

when deserters ran out of festivity

turned their backs on former animation

I was suckered by their demands to believe

their loudest call was truth, hear me!

now I know quiet love is the steadiest

those who may seem cold or aloof

often outlast town crier

hawking themselves for fancy

I’m sorry it took me so long to

understand silence and softness

are more often truth

much like the piper who

sung children through the mountain

bewitching their longing for loud

merriment

before they grew and knew

the sweetness of sincerity

whispered

For Jane – Pretty things

“Oh you pretty things

don’t you know you’re driving your mama’s and papa’s insane?” – David Bowie

thumbelina.jpgtake a leaf out of this book

fold it into a veined ship

let it sail the hazel brook

dried through fleet summer

now brackened with steam liquor

intoxicating swaying blackbird to

fly close to glassy reverie

their glossy ebony wing

hinting blue and green against

dappled light won with coffee grain

we didn’t rise with the lark nor

make nesting bed for a penny to bounce

high and glittering

we ate buttered toast with frozen fingertips

leaving crumbs of ourselves beneath

pillows indented by dream

for who knows how long

any river has?

then warm days shall absolve this tender

frost blinking in iridescent snow fall

drying out magic divination

cupped in saucers of captive water

the little girl thinks fairies must

look out at her as she peers down

through velvet moss and snail sheen

carving runes

what worlds of worlds of worlds

beneath our flat-footed certainty

stir against shy bramble

our fruit ever sweeter on tongue

as thimbled nectar

for children still believe

amid our pastures creatures swim

in silver netting like gowns of

spider silk and berries redder than

earnest lover

shush, if you stay your curious hand

turn not the faucet nor start the washer

in Thumbelina’s kingdom music stirs

as old as life

holding up the unseen world

 

For Jane. Put another log on the fire for me.